Dannysheaven

This is a weird city to live in. I was born here so I really had no choice. It’s not like I could walk out of Queens at 12 and go to the country. So I guess it may be different for people who aren’t from the city but travelled here. It’s also a little different because I never lived in Manhattan, but the outer boroughs. In a favorite movie of mine, Sidewalks of New Yorks, one character says to Heather Graham that the people in the outer boroughs don’t take the city for granted, they grow up feeling the draw of the city but never fully experiencing it. Well, something like that, i’m a horrible paraphraser.

So I picked a high school in the city to get the full experience and I have. I’ve been everywhere. I’m sure there are little alcoves I haven’t discovered, but i’ve covered all the bases. If there’s one place you can never stop exploring, i’m sure it’s NYC, but that’s not the reason I want to leave.

I feel like i’m at heart, a country boy. I love nature and the envoirnment and all that jazz, am amazed at small towns and endless forests. The city doesn’t interest me all that much. So I applied to a college in Maine, was accepted, and will attend in less than a week.

Therein lies the love-hate relationship. Even though I feel like I am ready to leave, ready to explore and grow in my true element, i’m going to miss a lot about the city. The endless amounts of merchants, bums and crowds are offset by the beautiful city lights, the constant sense of life. I have my pride of being a New Yorker, my accent(that I swear I don’t have, but my outside friends say I do), my love for pizza and bagels, my brisk walking pace, and deep down a love for the concrete, skyscrapers, hipsters, subway cars and hoodlums.

Kinda makes it bittersweet.

I was sitting at Union Square, just pondering life. I’ve been pretty unhappy this year, mainly because of a somewhat unrequited love that was complicated with a fling. A certain person was constantly on my mind, while I was never on theirs and it drove me crazy. I felt insane always going through these highs and lows with this person(eh i’ll keep it anonymous for a variety of reasons) and they didn’t even notice it.

So yeah, the epiphany(spelling?). I realized that all of these problems, my crumbling friendships, screwed up love life and unhappiness was due to my low self-confidence. I let people devalue myself and I never loved me, it was always for someone else. It’s still a new thing to do, but I want to be more confident so that I am not trapped in these unfulfilling relationships, and bound by people that are not worth my time. I honestly feel like I am an intelligent, handsome, funny and compassionate guy and that I didn’t deserve all of this.