And looking back it’s because I’ve moved into a phase of much more active daily pursuit of a number of these and other goals, and implicit downgrading of others.
The result has been that I’m rarely taking the time to update this, and am moving on from a lot of the statements and updates I’ve recorded over 2-3 years of really helpful time on 43things.
The trouble with all that is that there’s a very public record of lots of personal detail on the web, and while I believe that it’s currently still anonymous, I’ve had painful experience in the past of intrusive partners reading personal information that was no longer relevant and coming back at me with it in very damanging and destructive ways that wrecked my life at one point.
So, in a few days I’m closing this account down, and continuing my goal making and tracking in a rather less public spreadsheet!
I really appreciate everyone’s encouragement, help and support on here over the last 2-3 years and wish everyone well with their goals and successful progress down life’s path.
Dawn Treader
New Idea: Organise my goals using Maslow's hierarchy of needsI’ve created a whole action plan for me since Christmas that has probably over-scheduled my life for the whole year already. Changing yachts, dinghy racing, getting fit & losing weight, work goals, music goals, joined a new choir…
...but still at the heart of it have felt lonely without re-opening explorations to find a possible date / prospective partner. Going out with an interesting-sounding lady tomorrow night.
Maslow’s depiction of human needs seems basic to all societies. However, local societal programming and personal egos have a lot to do with how much we feel is personally required of each need before we feel motivated to reach for the next higher level need.
In Western societies, we tend to feel we require much more of the lower level needs (food, shelter, clothing, objects, safety, love, accomplishments, status, etc.) to be satisfied with those levels than individuals in Eastern societies. Consequently, our Western egos and desires for more objects and status often slow our progress toward self-actualization and transcendence over our Eastern counterparts who do not place such high premiums on lower level needs once those basics are provided. In fact, being overly prosperous and status oriented are often inhibitors to seeking and achieving self-actualization and transcendence.
That rather academic explanation summarises quite well the awareness that has been coming to me over the last few weeks that if I spent less time working to protect myself financially, simplified my life to be affordable with less income, then I could have a much happier life with healthy use of all the time that I would free up to do stuff that genuinely reflected the best that I can be.
Transcendence is a desire to help others self-actualize. In doing so, we connect with something beyond the ego and we experience states beyond normal human consciousness and take things to another level of being.
Our instinctual need as humans to make the most of our abilities and to strive to be the best we can be. Quoting Maslow “What a man can be, he must be.”
It is also at this level that individuals experience extraordinary moments called Peak Experiences which include transpersonal and ecstatic states tinged with themes of euphoria, harmonization and interconnectedness.
Cognitive Needs – At this point, we feel a need to increase our intelligence and we chase knowledge to gain a better understanding of the world around us. We now feel a need to explore and desire new experiences.
Aesthetic Needs – With the previous needs satisfied, we now find we need to refresh ourselves with the presence of beauty, nature, art, music and the other aesthetically beautiful things the world has to offer. This leads to a beautiful feeling of intimacy and oneness with nature and everything beautiful.
Those needs that are necessary for basic human survival. e.g. Food, air, drink, warmth and sleep without which the human body cannot continue to function.
Clearly this is a primary goal set for any human being!
That I am unable to deliver what she wants and hopes for in a relationship, but massive relief that I have been able to be honest about that and avoid leading her into massive later disappointment through pretending it could be some other way.
We just talked & I explained that I didn’t feel that exploring a relationship further was right, and that’s why I’ve been more distant over the last 4 weeks.
So, decision taken and I’ve been feeling awkward about it through that period. While I don’t like the sense of her being dissapointed, I’m relieved to have things straight and just be able to concentrate on living my life as best as I can.
...they’re largely the legacy of former phases of life, and so are scattered around the country and not frequently seen. A natural result of the nomadic life I’ve lived over this last 16 years.
I need good local friends, and it’s not helped by the fact that my work continues to take me away from the area I’ve chosen to live in every day.
More soon…
I’ve been working for 5-6 weeks now to adopt a new level of sobriety. I realised that by getting back into the habit of scanning personal ads and joining adult contacts sites, I was indulging in a deliberately obsessive activity that was diverting my energies and attention from healthy stuff and real people that matter to me.
Various events since then have reinforced to me how getting to 100% wholehearted attention on the people and issues that matter to me is fundamental to me living a full and happy (sober) life again:
• my daughter’s partner leaving her for
ANO that she’d been having an affair with for 3 months
• a realisation that much of the pain my daughter was experiencing about that was v similar to situations that I have left ex’s in at times in the past, up to 10 years ago
Cut a long story short, I’ve re-stated my bottom lines as
Bottom lines (that I’m committed to being entirely clean of)
• B1: sexual dialogue over digital media
• B2: verbal sexual dialogue / flirting / fantasy with anyone other than a partner
• B3: physical sexual acts with anyone other than a partner
I’ve also defined some ‘Middle lines’ that I recognise draw me towards obsessive compulsive thinking, and need to be avoided:
• Porn, Objectification of other people, fantasy-fuelled Masturbation, ‘Dressing Up’ alone as a fantasy-creation of women I objectify, joining or browsing personals sites
These middle lines are harder, and I may eventually add some of them to bottom line list, but for now I’m diarising them Bridget Jones style with a daily scoring system of:
1 momentary
2 < 3 min – immediate recovery
3 < 10 min
4 < 30 min
5 < 1 hr
6 < 2 hr
7 < 4 hr
8 < 8 hr
9 < 16 hr
10 24hr wipeout
...which is making me reflect daily on how to avoid them and that’s making a big difference. I’ve been much more ‘present’ in lots of situations, which is enabling better progress to other goals on here.
...from web sites and blogs. Even though I’ve been doing well at staying away from damaging and hurtful behaviours, this has helped me ‘click’ about recognising more & jolt myself into taking further steps of abstinence.
From her discovery of her partner’s affair on Sunday, their decision to split on Monday, panic attacks and emotional breakdown through the week, and finally completing the move to my place yesterday, it’s been a heck of a week.
All we have to do now is find space for her stuff…
(Actually, if that was all we had to do this would be easy, but there’s a long road of re-stabilising and working out how to live alone again ahead).
1) 3 hours sailing from Pwllheli to Conwy, followed by a walk around Conwy town
2) None other since I was maxed out and exhausted with work routines after a previous week off
In a dating relationship, I’m realising how much low level fantasy I still indulge in to ‘spice up’ the day, and while I never allow that to progress to action, it troubles me that my attention is not while-heartedly focussed on other healthy priorities that I’m looking to be more committed to.
It’s still a basic disabler if a life lived to the max.
• got a new bilge pump installed
• 3 windows refitted, no leaks now
• kicking strap bracket repaired
• New heater fully installed, wired, working
• new ingine installed
• major fuss about the right prop for the new engine & gearbox, finally got it right t the third attempt
• rewired the electrics from the new alternator
• Se trialled the while thing & sailed round to Conwy for the winter.
That all feels a lot better to have got dine. Some major issues resolved, and the boat is now an hour nearer home, secure & with easy access.
