Delylah

is gonna make it



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stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
Have slipped slightly, but....

I slipped one day early this week, but not too hard, I guess. But the good news is that I stepped up and got right back on track. I’m trying to figure out what triggered me to drink that day. Stress at work, boredom, thinking I could have just one. I can pick apart each reason I gave to myself to justify my drinking.

Boredom: That’s easy. I could have easily satisfied the boredom by doing something else. A movie, a coffee shop, shopping, anything but drinking.

Stress: Alcohol only made the stress worse. Feeling drunk, out of control, and eventually hungover is NO way to deal with stress. I feel less stress when I’m clearheaded.

Only one? Nope, not in my case. I can’t seem to stop when I start.

Lesson learned. NOT EVEN ONE….



stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
Tempted

My friend just texted to see if I wanted to grab some wine and come over. I declined. I can’t ignore my drinking buddies forever. But right now, I have to stay away. I wonder if we would still be friends if we didn’t have alcohol in common.



stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
Looking at how alcohol affects others too

I have a friend who has been in and out of rehab for many years. Her parents and boyfriend have spent the last year keeping a very close eye on her to make sure that she doesn’t fall off the wagon again. Well, she did.

She showed up at a mutual friend’s house—wasted. She had slept with some random stranger the night before and wanted a place to drink some more (she couldn’t drink at home because her boyfriend was there). She got even more trashed. Well, our friend got annoyed and made her leave. She left without her shoes.

See what alcohol can do to you? I hate that drug. I will not be like my friend. She has gotten all the help in the world you could possibly imagine (rehabs, drugs, AA, mentors, therapy, etc), but nothing keeps her from for drinking. They are all temporary fixes. Why? Because she is weak, and the snake is always there tempting her.

Funny, I read WaterMyFriend’s post, and I think that is the biggest reason she keeps falling off the wagon—she’s BORED. Drinking is exciting for her. The high outweighs the negative. She’s had hobbies in the past, but those are all gone now. Alcohol has destroyed her desire.

I am almost one week sober now. I pray to God I continue down this road.



stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
Hump day

Just checking in. Another morning of waking up feeling great. House is clean, I’m caught up at work, dogs are happy and being walked at night.

I will NOT drink today. I will NOT drink today.



stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
Today was good

Woke up refreshed. Worked hard. Did not drink. Looking forward to another sober day tomorrow. One day at a time.



stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
I've got to be 100% focused....

...in order to meet this goal. It’s funny, from an outside perspective, I look like I really have my life together—good job, loving family, quaint little house, good friends, healthy pets, etc. But I know I am torn up inside, and it’s because of alcohol. Every bad decision I make and every time I disappoint myself, alcohol is there. It’s always peering down at me, knowing it has control over me.

I have to be strong and kick it in the teeth. I cannot let it control my life anymore.



stop drinking (read all 7 entries…)
I am tired

I was looking back at my calendar and noticed how many “Day 1” entries I had. “Day 1” means my first day of not drinking, of course. I’ve had several day 1s and even some day 2s and 3s. But that’s about it.

I pull up beside people at stop lights and wonder why I can’t be like them. They look so together and focused – going to or coming from work, not hungover, thinking about what they need from the grocery or the event they are planning to see over the weekend. I can’t make plans very well. I never know what state of mind I’m going to be in—drunk, hungover, sober, mad, happy, anxious, mellow, bored, depressed, etc etc etc.

Last night, I met a friend out and started off the night drinking water. Then I figured one glass of wine wouldn’t hurt. Well that turned into several. Now I’m major hungover. Barely had any sleep. Didn’t get any chores done. Dogs are looking up at me wondering why I’m not taking them out for a walk.

I could come up with a infinite number of reasons to stop drinking. But first and foremost, I want to be in control again. I want to wake up feeling great. I want to know EXACTLY what I did the night before. I want peace.

For the umpteenth time, today is DAY 1.



be vegan (read all 4 entries…)
Day 9

I’m on Day 9 now. This feels great!



be vegan (read all 4 entries…)
Today marks one week

Today marks one week since I’ve had any dairy. I really have to do this – for me, for my health, for the animals. I hate factory farming and refuse to support it any longer!



lose 15 pounds (read all 2 entries…)
OK I'm back

My ideal weight is 128, and I’m about 15-20 pounds heavier than that. This is day 1 to eating right and exercising. I give myself 2 months to lose the weight. No fad diets. Just eating healthy. Drinking less wine should help. I really want to wear a bathing suit this year.



lose 15 pounds (read all 2 entries…)
Day 1 - need to go from 143 to 128

I’m finally going vegan and working out regularly. I’m also planning to control my alcohol intake. Wish me luck!



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
New Years Eve

December 31st. A time to reflect. A time to make plans for the future. A time to think about your goals in life and what’s preventing you from achieving them. I feel good about today and am really glad that I have pinpointed the single most negative thing in my life and have made plans to get rid of it. Alcohol has controlled me for way too long. I’m ready to kick it (and all the other things that result from it) right out the door.

2009 – this is gonna be a great year!

Will check in a bit later!

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Hi everyone

Well, it’s time for a new year again. A new year with fresh choices and decisions.

I’ve spent several days now reflecting on 2008. As far as drinking goes, overall I failed miserably. I’m still drinking way too much, making a fool out of myself, waking up hungover more times than not, etc. However, I looked back at my journal, and I do see little spurts of sobriety and happiness. A lot of people who have overcome this problem have said that it’s normal to be on a cycle of suceeding and failing before you finally reach the point that you are ready to suceed permanently. Could I be at that point?

I am at an age now where I really have to start watching my health. And I’m just too old to be hanging out with drunks at the bar, drunk dialing people and embarrassing myself, etc.

I’m going to get up off the ground and start focusing on this goal AGAIN. I have to. Here goes to Day One.

Good to be back :-)

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Day 3 - so far so good

Hi all, just dropping a line to say that so far I’ve kept up with my plan, meaning that I haven’t contacted the ex or had any drinks. I’m meeting a friend out for a bit after work at an Italian restaurant, so tonight will be a challenge not to drink, but I’m gonna do my best.

I got super depressed last night before going to bed for some reason, and I really wanted a drink to numb things, but I didn’t give in. I know quitting drinking does not make you suddenly happy, and I know it will take some time. One day at a time.

I will check in later. Sorry to seem so blah. I will get there. I just know it.

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Day 2

Well, no contact with the ex, and no drinks yesterday. I woke up today feeling pretty good. It was a good feeling to mark off “day 1” on my calendar. I have to be strong and not talk to him so I don’t go downhill and want to pour myself a drink. Not drinking is the only way I can deal with this hurt.

On another note, I’m a technical writer by day, but I occasionally bartend at a pub down the street whenever they need me. A lot of people would immediately think that wasn’t a good idea for someone who is trying to quit drinking, but it’s actually good for me. It gives me a chance to see drunk people from a sober perspective and really see the negative sides of it.

They called me to work last night, and I went.

There’s a regular who comes in quite frequently with her mother, and she’s been going through some rough times for about a year now. Well unfortunately, like me, she medicates her pain with alcohol. Apparently the night before last, she got so drunk that she urinated in her pants, passed out in the bathroom, and had to have someone drive her home and get her into the house. All the bartenders and wait staff at the pub were talking about it and laughing when I got to work last night. I had to walk away because I felt so bad for the woman. They were using words like “pathetic,” “lush,” etc. Gosh how mean. This woman needs some help, and I feel really bad for her. I’m not sure if she’s gonna have the nerve to come into the bar for a while, but the next time I see her, I’m going to be super nice to her and try to give her my support. Why? Because that could easily be me if I continue on the path I’m on.

I have some other stories from last night too, but I may save those for later.

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
I'm back

Well it’s been several weeks since I’ve posted. Things have not been good for me for the last 11 weeks (going through a long, dragged out breakup), and I’ve been self medicating with alcohol a lot. I’ve been eating very unhealthy, not exercising, and just basically feeling like crap about everything.

So I talked to the soon-to-be ex last night on the phone, and when we hung up after arguing the whole time, something came over me that told me that this WAS IT. I’ve had enough letting this man run my life and affect my health. I can’t blame him directly for my alcohol abuse these last fews weeks, because he certainly didn’t force me to drink anything. But I know that bad things and unhealthy relationships trigger my drinking. That’s why I need to simply walk away and not communicate with him anymore.

I made a list of all the things about him that are not good for me (alcohol is one of the top reasons), and I also put a big DAY 1 on the wall to start the clock, so to speak. I’m ready to get my life back.

I am planning to start being a regular poster here again, because it has helped me tremendously in the past. I need this support.

Thanks for listening everyone. I will check in soon.

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Thursday

Well I am proud to say that I’ve had yet another sober day. I can’t say that I didn’t crave alcohol, though. Earlier, I got a bit stressed out at work, and I found myself getting really angry about the Texas man situation. It lasted for a little while, and boy did I want a drink to calm down. Fortunately I had the strength to resist the urge and thought about how bad I want to wake up in the morning feeling good. I’ve also gotten in a routine lately of walking the dogs at night, and I know I won’t do that if I drink. I wouldn’t be able to stand the disappointed look in their little eyes if I denied them that.

I’m only on Day 4, so I’m not nearly past this, but I sure do feel a million times better than I have in a while. I’m eating good and exercising. Oh, and I’m also being very productive at work. I’m never productive when I’m hungover. Boy have I fooled them so many times into thinking I was working when I was really surfing the Web, too cloudy-headed to even think about writing online help (yes, I’m a tech writer).

Anyway, thanks everyone for your support, and I apologize if I don’t respond to your posts more often. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite giving advice when I can’t seem to take it myself.

Have a great sober night everyone!

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Pretty good day

I also had the urge to drink earlier, but I kept thinking how bad I wanted to walk the dogs in the brisk fall air, and how I knew I would never do it if I had a buzz. Instead I cooked a nice healthy meal and did some things around the house. Now I’m getting ready to crawl in bed with the dogs and go to sleep.

I know that sounds boring, but I am SOOOOO excited to be saying that instead of “well first I went and had several beers with my friends, then I got the munchies and drove to some pizza place and picked up a huge greasy pizza, then I drove home drunk (eating pizza as I’m driving), then I text messaged the guy in Texas who just told me he has a girlfriend and called him a jerk, then I passed out, then I woke up hungover and wondered what the heck happened…..” You get the idea.

I am happy to say that I am alcohol free today, and it feels darn good!



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Sobriety is a great buzz

Well I’m only on Day 2 (and believe me this is not the first Day 2 I’ve ever had), and I feel good. I just took a three-mile walk with the dogs in the brisk fall air. I feel great, and I’m loving it. You know? Being sober, clear-headed, and in control is much better than any alcohol buzz I’ve ever had. I actually thought of stopping for a beer or two after work, and then I remembered how many other nights I had done the same, but of course having many more than two. But I kept going, and now I know I’m gonna wake up feeling great in the morning. I already prepped my coffee, and I’m excited about getting a good night’s sleep, not waking up trying to piece together the night before, feeling ill knowing I drove home.

Well, as you can tell, I’m really happy to be here sober right now, and I truly hope I can continue to have many more. Thanks for all your kind words, everyone.

ALCOHOL IS EVIL!

Anna



quit drinking (read all 100 entries…)
Filling a void

I know one of the main reasons I drink is to fill a void in my life. I have a good job, good friends, wonderful family, great pets, a very realistic dream to have a mini-farm in a next few years, etc, but something’s definitely missing. Most people would think my life is pretty fulfilled, and it is to a certain extent. But I’m lonely, and I desperately want some companionship. When you’re lonely, it seems like everyone you run into is happily married with kids. It’s hard to imagine that you’re not the only one sitting at home in the evenings wishing you had a prospect for a date. When 5pm rolls around, I dread sitting at home. I dread the realization that I have no one to call, no one to have dinner with, no one to make plans with.

Alcohol has become my “buddy” over the past few years. It has filled that lonely void in many ways. I mean, 5pm rolls around, and I do have someone to hang out with! Alcohol! And of course all my drinking buddies at the bar down the street. I do have some friends that don’t drink, but over time I’ve labeled them as kinda boring because of that. That’s certainly not fair to them.

I’m gonna concentrate on how to fill the void with something other than alcohol. I can’t assume that I will meet anyone any time soon, so I can’t depend on that. I will have to put some serious thought into this.

Anna



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