Delylah

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m going to start again, because I’m not doing so good, and I need this support network.

About 3.5 weeks ago, things were doing OK. I was still drinking, but I was doing better and going to therapy about alcohol abuse. I was starting to read books about the dangers of alcohol and the beauty of sobriety. Then something happened, and everything started going downhill.

I’ve had a non-committed long-distance relationship with the same man for 2.5 years. WE fly back and forth about every 3 or 4 months to visit each other. I knew he would eventually meet somewhere where he lives, and then our relationship would have to come to an end. Well, he did. Unfortunately, though, he didn’t tell me and still scheduled a flight to come visit on October 23rd. One night, I was drinking, and text messaged him asking if he had a girlfriend. To my shock, he responded YES but that she was OK with him continuing to see me just like before.

For 3.5 weeks now, I’ve been hurt, angry, and filled with jealousy. I’ve been drinking just about every night. It has completely gotten out of control, and as I sit here this morning, I know that I absolutely MUST stop this insanity and get back on track.

Negative things that happen in my life tend to trigger heavy drinking. I spent two years getting over a divorce drinking heavily too.

So, I know that I absolutely have to cut contact with this guy, not allow him to come visit, and STOP DRINKING. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I just turned 40, and I’m determine to get my life back together and enjoy this decade (and the ones after that).

My therapist gave me an assignment to research the physical effects of alcohol. I am planning to do some research on the Web, but if anyone has any advice about where to find some good information, please let me know. I want to see pictures of diseased livers and things like that. I want to scare myself out of drinking.

Thanks, and sorry for the long post. I’m pretty desperate today, and I needed to vent.

I guess a lot of people struggle with not knowing if they should/could completely quit drinking alcohol. I think most of us just wish we could drink responsibly – one or two when a good occasion arises, like a wedding, reunion, etc. The occasion arises for me just about every day, which I know is a big problem. Lately I’ve been doing well moderating my alcohol intake, but it’s certainly been a huge struggle. I feel like drinking just about every day of the week, and I usually get strong urges around 5pm on weekdays and later afternoon on Sundays. For some reason, I’m usually sober and productive on Saturdays (probably the reason I feel like a deserve a drink on Sundays).

I too am scared to think that I couldn’t drink at all – ever – regardless of the situation. That seems so hardcore. I mean, why can’t I just learn to moderate and drink like normal people? Those “normal people” don’t get DUIs, call in sick with hangovers, have blackouts, lose friends over silly alcohol-induced arguments, etc. I want to be like them. Why is this so hard?

I hate always having to struggle with this. I spend way too much time thinking about drinking, and I’m sick of it.

Just got home from bartending and was reflecting on the evening. Actually, it was a very uneventful evening, but one thing stood out to me tonight. So this woman comes in with her husband and sits at one of the bar tables. The lady orders a Makers Mark Manhattan, and he orders a beer. I bring them their drinks and keep on waiting on my other customers. Five minutes later, her drink is empty. I can see her staring at me as I walk by, so I stop. She says, “Honey, I’ll take a refill, but make it a double this time.” I’m like “Oh sure! I’ll be right back with that”, but in my head I was thinking “Yuk. Gross!” I deliver her drink, and within a few minutes she’s asking for another one. I bring it to her.

I know you are expecting a “drunk” story here, but that’s not what happened. The point is, nothing really happened at all. I just made some simple observations that made me think. I could see she had a buzz, but she wasn’t trashed or anything. She ended up having two martinis after that and ordered cheese fries, nachos, and spinach artichoke dip – and ate it like there was no tomorrow. The munchies, I’m assuming. I’ve been there, and done that too. Her tab was like 80 bucks.

What is my point? She totally wasted 80 bucks on some silly drinks and junk food. I’ve done that too. I wonder if bartenders have ever handed me a tab and thought to themselves “damn what a waste of money! that chick really shouldn’t be eating that kind of food, she needs to lose weight!”.....

It’s really interesting to see the bar from the bartender’s point of view.

I’m really craving a drink today, and I know why – stress at work. I always feel like I “deserve” a drink after putting up with stressful situations. I’ve got to stop thinking that way. If I go run for a drink every time life gets a little stressful, I’m never going to kick this habit. The good news is that I can’t drink today because I’m working my other job tonight – bartending – although I have been tempted to sneak a drink at work. Hopefully I won’t do that tonight!

I’m enjoying the rain through sober eyes tonight, and it’s wonderful. I agree with what Angel said before about really enjoying the beauties of life all around us without a distorted perspective. Being drunk causes us to lose site of the wonderful things around us. I often think to myself that sobriety is the best buzz of all. What a wonderful thing waking up in the morning feeling good, knowing that your house is clean and that you are caught up at work. You don’t have to rack your brain trying to piece together the night before, wondering if you drove wasted and how much money you spent. I love being sober. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to stay that way sometimes.

Yesterday was Day 6, and I was doing great until a friend called. I have been avoiding my drinking buddies lately, but last night I thought I would try to go out with them and not drink. When I got there, I made a deal with myself that I would have just two drinks and then go home. Well, two turned into six glasses of wine. Now I’m pretty hungover and mad at myself. But, the good thing about last night is that I DID NOT drink and drive. I’ve been really bad about that over the last few years and I’m lucky I haven’t killed myself or someone else. I keep hearing about all these stories about drunk people hitting pedestrians and bikers and it scares me to death. That could happen to anyone. I’ve driven my car so blitzed before. Just two weeks ago, I drove home and don’t even remember it. How scary is that???

So I’m back to Day 1 again :-( I’ve got to do this! I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY.

Well I’m trying again. I went to see a therapist a couple of nights ago, and she made a lot of sense about how to control this drinking problem. I mean, she didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know about the evils of alcohol, but she did bring some things to light that I hadn’t thought of recently. I’m not sure if going to therapy is right for everyone, but I’m going to try it. If nothing else, I now have the added pressure to “report” my progress every week. The main thing I’m working on this week is trying to plan activities that don’t involve alcohol. Next week we’re going to discuss my main triggers. So far so good. Hope this works!

Has anyone ever tried therapy as a way to help quit drinking? Did you find it useful? I’ve been to therapy a couple of times, but I can’t say that it’s ever been super helpful. Maybe they just weren’t telling me what I wanted to hear – that it’s OK to drink. Well, it’s NOT OK to drink when you do the things I do as a result, like drinking and driving, eating bad, not exercising, not being productive at work, etc etc.

I think I may try therapy again. This time, instead of being defensive about drinking, I will be straightforward and say that I have a problem and that I need help.

http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/3394837/

It only takes one time drinking and driving to ruin your life (and possibly someone else’s). He’s very lucky the two girls he hit are OK.

Made it through yesterday with no alcohol. Woke up feeling really good today.

I know I’m not going to drink today. I don’t have time. Too much to do. Now that I’m not hungover, I have the energy to catch up on the things I need to do before the work day tomorrow. I also want to get in some exercise. From reading Avatar’s post, I know exercise will help me in this struggle. Why would you go run two miles and then turn around and get drunk? Makes no sense, does it?

Well, I don’t have much to say, except thanks for all your supportive posts, and remember we are all in this boat together. I do encourage all of you to see the video Czaz posted. I can’t stop thinking about it and applying it to my own experience.

Good day everyone!

Anna

So far it’s been a sober weekend, and I hope to keep it up. I was really stupid last Wednesday and Thursday, which is especially disappointing to me since I went for 10 days doing really well. I’m just gonna get back up and try try again. I have to do this. I feel like I’ve reached the fork in the road (the 40-year mark) – one path is for an alcoholic, and the other is for a new me. I have to go down the right path.

Anyone, I’m really enjoying being sober today. I hope everyone else is too.

Anna

Wow czaz. I just saw all five episodes of the intervention story. Lawrence was really in a state of denial, huh? So incredibly sad.

God, I hate alcohol and what it does to us. Why do we do this to ourselves? Life can be so rich. Why do we waste it? Last night, I broke my 10-day streak of drinking “responsibly” (if there is such a thing) and drank way too much. I woke up passed out in my living room floor. I’m starting over again today. I think I may go to an addiction group meeting tonight. I’m not having much luck doing this on my own. I do fine for a few days, and then I slip right back into another episode. I’ve got to make some changes before I get even worse.

Everyone, have a good day, and check out the link in czaz’s post.

Well, I have had 7 drinks in 9 days – not perfect but much better than I have been! I still don’t know if I need to quit completely or just control my drinking. I’ve been struggling with this question for quite some time now. How do you know when you should control vs. quit? Is there a formula?

I too have been a vegetarian for a long time, and I’ve gone back and forth being a vegan. But recently I’ve finally decided to make this a life-time commitment. I feel so much better about myself when I know I’m not supporting factory farming. What a horrible thing we are doing to our animals – all that suffering and pain simply to cater to our selfish needs. There are so many cruelty-free options for us out there!

I’m going to the Compassionate Living animal rights conference in Raleigh in October, and I will proudly say that I’m a vegan :-)

Keep up the good work everyone, and remember that everything you do, including what you eat, sets an example for everyone you come in contact with. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind about your reasons for switching to a compassionate lifestyle!

Anna

I am by no means cured, but I feel good. It’s amazing what a few sober days can do for you. I can’t even imagine having a few sober months under my belt. What a feeling that must be. After reading posts of people who have gone long periods of time, it seems like it’s a very powerful feeling of having control back over your life. I want to be there too.

I got really stressed out with work yesterday, and I immediately thought about going to have a drink before going to my other job. But I somehow made myself say no, and I didn’t. One thing that prevented me was knowing that I wouldn’t be able to post a “day 5” post today. God I wish I was posting a “day 30” post today!

Randy, it’s great to have you back, and I’m so happy you’re doing well. Sheila, I know what it’s like to struggle. But you are making the right step – identifying the problem and aiming to do something about it. I think you will learn a lot from other people and how they are dealing with this demon – although it may seem that everyone on this site is doing well and have kicked the habit, but that’s not true. We range from completely sober to completely desperate. Just stay here and make some friends. You won’t regret it.

Anyway, back to work. Everyone have a great day, and remember that sobriety is the best buzz of all!

Anna

And so far so good. I’m finally starting to feel like my normal self again – waking up early, being productive at work, house is clean, laundry is done, I know where my cell phone is, I remember every part of the day, etc etc. I really hope I can keep this up. I have tried this so many times and failed. I need to build my confidence and not forget the reasons behind this.

I have never heard one person say they regretted quitting drinking. EVER!!!!

I don’t know about tomorrow, but just for today, I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK.

Anna

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve posted, and I’ve enjoyed reading the posts today to catch up on how everyone is doing. As I expected, some people are still struggling, some are doing better, and some are doing fantastic!

Well, I’m definitely in the “struggling” bucket. I had a birthday on July 25th, and I told myself that I would start the battle again when I got back from my vacation last week. Unfortunately, I’ve only extended my vacation and gotten worse. I’ve been drinking even more than usual the past few days. I’ve even missed work because of it. :-(

So I sit here with my cup of coffee, thinking about how great life can be without getting trashed all the time. Some of us have commented on this site that all our friends drink, and we feel like we have to sit at home and not answer the phone to avoid them (and thus avoid drinking). That’s basically how I feel too. I feel like I can’t even answer the phone or leave the house if I want to be sober. Maybe this is temporary and I will eventually be able to do things (and even hang out with them some) without drinking. Why am I so worried about what they think? Honestly I think most of them would accept my desire not to drink and would support me. I just don’t know.

OK, so I’m starting over yet again. I have to. I am not going to live like this anymore. I hate the hangovers, the extra calories, the bar tabs, the realization that you drove home drunk.

Day 1 is today.

Thanks everyone for your support. :-)

Anna

I heard a quote one time that has really stuck with me over the last few months – “I don’t have time to drink.” It’s definitely not an earth-shattering quote, but it makes so much sense to me. I think about all the hobbies I have abandoned or not started because of drinking. If I took those things back up and started some new ones, I don’t think I would have time to sit around and get hammered several times a week. If I counted up all the hours every week that I am either drinking or hungover, I bet you I would suddenly find time to do some very interesting and fun things.

Am I the only person who hates the question “what are your hobbies?” because you know you can’t be completely honest? I mean, I can respond with “gardening, hiking, playing piano, etc,” but my real hobby of choice is drinking. This is what I have to change. It’s a learned behavior, something that I “just do.” Well it’s time to “just stop.”

Hope everyone is having a super weekend!

Anna

I’m just sitting here reading posts thinking how nice it is to be clear-headed and sober. Just went to the gym. Driving home, I kept looking behind me thinking, for a change, how I didn’t care at all if a cop were behind me. Isn’t it pathetic for it to be the “norm” to try to avoid cops because you know you shouldn’t be driving after drinking?

Avatar, happy birthday to you. I have a birthday coming up on the 25th, and I HOPE I can report out a good story like yours. I am so desperate to get my life together. I have identified alcohol as the single-most reason why I don’t accomplish the things I want to and behave the way I need to.

Life is short. I’m ready to start living to the fullest. I’m GOING to live to the fullest – starting this very moment.

Everyone, have a safe and sober holiday. You all deserve it!

Anna

Hello everyone, it’s Thursday evening, and things are going fairly well. I haven’t really felt like drinking today. I made up my mind this morning that, no matter what, I was gonna stay sober today. I made a plan earlier to take myself out to dinner and have some hot tea in place of the usual wine. I stuck to my plan and had a nice time. The food was good, and I was able to think clearly about the next few days and how I’m going to deal with this little demon. I have a college reunion on Saturday afternoon, so I’m a little worried about how much I can control myself then.

One thing I like to do when I’m sober is to concentrate on how good it feels to be clear-headed. There’s no better buzz in the world. I love getting my coffee ready for the morning, cleaning up the house, making sure all my laundry is done, calling family (and not try to pretend like you’re sober). The only thing I need to do is get back into a normal exercise routine. Two weeks ago, I went to the gym every day. Now I haven’t been in a week. I think exercising is wonderful thing, and it sure makes me feel good. I will get back on track starting tomorrow, and I know I can because I’m not going to wake up hungover or in a cloud of guilt. I can’t wait. :-)

Well everyone, off to make some tea and finish off my sober day reading in bed with my dogs. I hope everyone is doing well!

Anna