Dreamer7787

More recently I’ve been noticing my social anxiety is acting up again… which is really disappointing. I noticed that the last two times I went into work I have wanted to avoid having to interact with patrons completely. Which is impossible. I work in a library. My job is people intense. I’ve been thriving there, making a lot of progress, but for some reason it’s been taking extra effort to be social. I think it’s due to the stress of this time of the semester. Everything’s freaking my out a bit more than it should be. I think that realizing that and focusing my attention on doing the opposite is a positive. Before I would just have accepted it as something I couldn’t change and tried to live my life like that. Now I get frustrated and force myself to interact…

Tomorrow night is going to be a challenge I’m not really looking forward to though… And I’m not sure if I should blame it on my social anxiety or just life issues in general. Since it has to do with a social situation that I’d probably be uncomfortable with without the other issues I’m going to attribute it to both.

I’m really excited to be going to visit Geneseo tomorrow. I haven’t seen any of my old college friends since the beginning of the semester when me and Adam rode the motorcycle down for lunch and stopped to see Dan, Matt, Tim, and that gang. I knew we’d have to be seeing the “other” group of friends (so to speak) sooner or later, but I’m still nervous as hell about it. I haven’t seen them since all the issues that went down at the end of last semester and over the summer. I still feel like they don’t really like me and only accept me because of Adam. I also just don’t know how to act around some of them because of things that I learned/know…

It’s just very awkward for me and not having very good people skills to begin with it’s even more difficult. My reaction is to avoid, but I know I can’t. I know I can’t say, “Yeah, I want to go to Geneseo! But only if we don’t see these people.” Because that would just make me a bitchy, controlling girlfriend which I do not want. I’m uncomfortable and I accept that and I’m determined to make efforts to get over that. But it’s definitely going to be a big test. I just hope I don’t fail miserably. * bites finger nails *

So I’m not sure if I’m going to be donating blood any time soon. It’s about two weeks past the time that I could have donated again, but… last time there was this EXTREME pain when the woman put in the needle and extreme pain when she took it out. She claimed it was just the antiseptic. I’ve donated blood before and I have never felt that kind of pain before. It seriously felt like my arm was burning. I was actually crying because it hurt so bad. And now I swear I’ve had some massive damage done to a nerve in my arm. At first I didn’t know what it was and figured it would heal on it’s own.

It’s always been that if the entry point is hit in anyway it sends shooting pain down my arm from about the crook of my elbow to my wrist. Today it’s been the worst it’s ever been. Normally there has to be pressure on it for it to hurt, but today just bending my arm has been hurting it. And it’s progressed to just placing a finger tip on it (not pressing, just setting) does it and when not even moving it there’s pain and a slight numbness in my hand. I don’t even know who I go to see about it. A neurologist maybe?

At first I figured I’d just use my other arm since my left is screwed up. To me helping people was more important and what are the odds it will happen again to my right? But seeing how this has progressed I could not imagine having both of my arms like this, nor can I see donating with my left arm as it is… So as of now this goal is no where close to happening and we’ll see what happens in the future…

So I really haven’t been doing good with this goal recently. A lot of things have been weighing on my mind making me more than a bit negative. They say that life isn’t a fairy tale and it’s true. The people we think are flawless turn out to have just as many flaws as us. Feelings get hurt. Things get said that can’t be unsaid. And yet life goes on. Relationships are rekindled after the flames have all but gone out, but how to you undo the pain that took place?

They say time. I guess I don’t have the patience for time. I want something that heals now.

There are people I have a right to be angry with and I am. But there are people in this whole situation who don’t deserve my anger. They had no idea what was going on. But I still dwell on it. I still blame them. I still feel awkward and negative when they’re mentioned and when I “see” them. I worry about the day I have to face them in public and can’t figure out how I’m supposed to act. It drives me insane.

Words that were said at times drowned out the good words and good things happening now. I try not to dwell. I see myself thinking about them and remind myself that they’re in the past now. We’re happy now. Happy than we’ve ever been (except within the honeymoon stage). Actually it’s more like we’re having a second one. Relearning things about each other. Talking more. Sharing our feelings on issues that we probably would have kept silent about before and while sometimes it leads to some heated conversations at the end of the day we still end up in each others arms.

So my question is how to stop the negative? How to focus on the good instead of the bad that came before? The bad’s in the past. It can’t be changed. It can’t be undone. Remorse had been shown and forgiveness given to those who have shown it. But there’s still a long way to go in healing the holes.

Here’s to getting my butt back into motion on this goal.