I'm doing 32 things
There are days where I wake up and the world is my oyster. I get a thrill from all the things that are available to me and for all that I can accomplish. Today is not one of those days.
I miss my cousin Charissa. It has been 40 days since she passed and I would like to think that I am dealing with it but that fact is, I am not. She was one of the few people that text me throughout the day. I miss her regular dose of enthusiasm and strength. She motivated me. If she could deal with the cancer, then of course I could deal with my illnesses.They pale in comparison to the pain she went through. Slightly selfishly I clung to her survival as a beacon of hope. I was dealing well I thought until my best friend’s daughter died after being born prematurely only 3.5 weeks later.
I never had much fear of death. In fact at times I wished for it as someone does a lover! But now that it has crept in twice, both times relatively quietly and quickly, although expected, I feel differently. I have this desire to spend more time with my family as they knew Charissa. To learn more about her, them and myself. This is proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. Perhaps grief acts differently for differnet people. Rather than embracing me as I anticipated, I have been asked not to attend family functions. When I need love and support the most I am not receiving it. John has been amazing. I have never met such a caring, loving and unselfish man. I know that I can lean on him, but I do not wish to break him. Miss Kitty has been a tower of strength to me but she is mourning the loss of not only her daughter Jordan but also the loss of her dreams. It reminds her of her other daughter that was not destined for this world. Today I miss both Bridgit and Jordan for I would have been a fantastic Auntie Duckie and loved them with all my heart.
My future has altered. My perceptions have changed. right now the evils of the world are a lot more dominant to me than the light. I am scared to start a family of my own. My weaknesses strangle me. Will this ever change? I am scared for people to see me yet I am scared to continue to be invisble. This place that I am in currently needs to change but I am not sure how. I am told by the medical profession to drug myself.Iit sounds good. I know that it will mask the pain. However I am sick of the semi-zombie existance. I want to live! I want the light to return to my life. I want family and friends. It may be possible??? Who knows.
Life, or something like it. I guess that is what I want!
