Dysphoria72

when I am asleep. Unless of course I’m having a horrible nightmare. I guess I want to have a dreamless sleep forever. I don’t really like dreams either. You always wake up and realize they never existed. My luck I would have nightmares forever instead of dreams. Therefore I would settle for a dreamless sleep. Just emptiness, numbness. No joy, no sorrow, apathy at its greatest.

I have never felt love outside of immediate family love. Not romantic love or desire or even affection. I’m 34 y/o and I don’t know if I’m even capable of allowing a woman to love me. I think I am too immature and insecure to even deal with it. I think it’s largely due to the fact that I have severe trust issues. I don’t trust people in general. Especially women. They are very good as deceiving people’s emotions. Or maybe it’s just my paranoia. I dunno. I just don’t believe I will ever be loved by a woman whom I am in love with. One-sided love or affection is just creepy and annoying.

But I don’t love myself. I tend to feel sorry for myself alot. Until I hear stories about other people who really have serious problems and then I feel ashamed and guilty for my self pity. Like my problems are not as important as other people’s problems. Sometimes I just wish my time on earth was up. I don’t believe in suicide because I’m not proactive. I’m reactive. I would rather just die in a freak accident not of my own fault. I guess I’d rather be the victim.