ElisabethHaase

... It could be so perfect.
So much space.
Some many possibilities.

So many things to do. Roofs to fix, windows to change.
Garden to tame. Walls to paint.

This could be our home.
One day.
Maybe.

... to find my place in this world. What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? What am I expected to do? What would be most beneficial? To me, to the society?
So very often, I feel behind. Like I should have taken a long education, I should have saved more money, I should have had my first child already.
All these “should’s”, they paralyse me. They make it even more difficult to figure out what to do, because I’m already behind. I can’t catch up anyway.
Why do I feel like this? Is this normal? Should I feel like this? Will it ever stop?

Where am I now? What am I?
I’m 26. I’m married, happily.
I’m a trained chef. I have a fulltime job in a restaurant.
I speak Danish and English fluently. “Scandinavian” too. Some French, even less Finnish.
I have a drivers license.

What do I want?
I want kids. I want a farm. I want to work with the nature.
I want to be happy.
I want to have projects. That makes sense.
I want to feel motivated. Again.
I want to be surrounded by people I love. People who inspire me.

What could I do?
Here. In Finland. I could work I guess. I could study International Business, or Nursing even. But I don’t really want to stay here 4 more years… I love the snow. I love the berries. But Finland just isn’t for me. I’m not ME here.
Still, the thought of leaving scares me.

Denmark. Or, Bornholm. What could I do there? I could study. Nursing maybe. I could get a bachelor in Health and Nutrition with e-learning. That would mean 4 days at school every month, lots of time to fix up house and take care of kids.
If I have a house. If I have kids.
Do I really want a house?
Do I really want kids?

I guess I want it all.
I want to be the doctor-globetrotter-supertrendy-downtoearth-mother to 4-seen it all-knows everybody-3michelinstarschef.
Who everybody likes.
But I can’t be that person. That person doesn’t exist.

I have to be me.
Just me.

Not just me.
ME!
I’m Me.
I’m unique.
I should do what I want to do.
Not turn into some character.
But what do I want to do?

Why is is so difficult for me.
To find my place in this world?

Have to work more in this list, this is just from the top of my head:

LEARN SKILLS:
Learn to crochet
Learn to crochet Amigurumi
Learn to knit baby-clothes
Learn to knit socks
Learn to knit sweaters

READ

BODY

MIND
Write every day