... to find my place in this world. What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? What am I expected to do? What would be most beneficial? To me, to the society?
So very often, I feel behind. Like I should have taken a long education, I should have saved more money, I should have had my first child already.
All these “should’s”, they paralyse me. They make it even more difficult to figure out what to do, because I’m already behind. I can’t catch up anyway.
Why do I feel like this? Is this normal? Should I feel like this? Will it ever stop?
Where am I now? What am I?
I’m 26. I’m married, happily.
I’m a trained chef. I have a fulltime job in a restaurant.
I speak Danish and English fluently. “Scandinavian” too. Some French, even less Finnish.
I have a drivers license.
What do I want?
I want kids. I want a farm. I want to work with the nature.
I want to be happy.
I want to have projects. That makes sense.
I want to feel motivated. Again.
I want to be surrounded by people I love. People who inspire me.
What could I do?
Here. In Finland. I could work I guess. I could study International Business, or Nursing even. But I don’t really want to stay here 4 more years… I love the snow. I love the berries. But Finland just isn’t for me. I’m not ME here.
Still, the thought of leaving scares me.
Denmark. Or, Bornholm. What could I do there? I could study. Nursing maybe. I could get a bachelor in Health and Nutrition with e-learning. That would mean 4 days at school every month, lots of time to fix up house and take care of kids.
If I have a house. If I have kids.
Do I really want a house?
Do I really want kids?
I guess I want it all.
I want to be the doctor-globetrotter-supertrendy-downtoearth-mother to 4-seen it all-knows everybody-3michelinstarschef.
Who everybody likes.
But I can’t be that person. That person doesn’t exist.
I have to be me.
Not just me.
I should do what I want to do.
Not turn into some character.
But what do I want to do?
Why is is so difficult for me.
To find my place in this world?