Tired of this place. Why am I even here, Ive never done the things Ive set out to do. I cant stick to anything long enough, I keep putting things off in the future. Nothing substantial ever gets done.
I lack foresight, and I still dont grasp the value of consecquence. After all this time I havent grown as a person.
I cant think of anything. Not even form sentences in my head. It pains when i cant contribute anything to class discussions because I am just way too dumb. I just dont know how to think that way. Only thing I am marginally awesome at is maths. But what use is that? this theoretical shit cant solve real world problems like how to cure cancer or how to stop filipino fishermen from blowing up corals.
I cant even solve much simpler things than that, Im trying to but it seems I just get slower and dumber everytime. Its as if Ive never evolved past a certain stage and its hard to even keep up with the mindless shit the people around me are talking about.I know nothing about anything. I am aware of my malfunctioning but I do not know why.
And I still cant talk to people. How can I interact when
1.) I lack the mental capacity to put forth any sort of contribution to anything.
2.) Too retarded to read social cues.
3.) Do not know anything about anything to talk about.
I read my join date and Ive been here since '09. Most of my goals are still here. Nothing ever gets done. I lack and am missing something important and vital in all of this and I just cant seem to put my finger on it. Maybe I dont want to know, maybe I should just bite the bullet, give the fuck up and work at mcds at day and spend my nights laughing at aimless youtube videos designed to take my attention from my awfully pointless life. Thats all my outdated brain is good for anyway. The fuck was i thinking I could be a semi decent musician or even get a degree. Thinking I could be this or that. I was just born to not cut it. I dont know how to maximise the fruits of my efforts, nor even where to direct my efforts. I get the same shit all the time.
Everytime someone talks to me i have to try real hard to simultaneously remember everything theyve just said and then try to formulate an answer, one that does not make me look like a dumbshit. But somewhere in that process my wires turn into sphaggeti and what comes out is a jumble of semi-sensical bullshit that just screams ’’I dont know but please please like me!!, because you are much better than me!!!’’. Im just a melting pot of neediness left on the stove for too long. My protocol of getting to know and trying to befriend someone is by appealing to their pity, by acting like a wounded puppy, trying to cater and conform to what I think they would perceive as a friend. I assume everyone is like that, which is fucked from the get go. Instead of just being me, which begs the question, who am I? I dont know. How can someone who takes 5 minutes to figure out how to work a microwave be expected to work out the intricacies of his inner fucking universe? When people show the smallest signs of not liking me I react with hate and write them off as not worthy of my time. I dont know where I derived this false sense of entitlement from when its obvious that I dont deserve anything at all.
Is it no surprise that I am alone? This is the only company I can make sense of and tolerate. Fuck you, all of you, you probably didnt even read this as its a huge block of text. Fuck this gay earth.
Fuck my inarticulate mind whose only capability is playing level 1 tetris. Fuck my weird sense of humor that nobody else gets leading them to believe that I am a forever alone weirdo who plays D&D all day.
Nothing is interesting about me or my life and I am just a failure. In the absolute sense of the word. I should just change my name to Mr. Mcfailure.
I have wasted my life. goodbye.