A march of Ghost Elephants

need a deload or just being a bitch. The weights are feeling heavy, my anxiety’s spiked up higher than usual and I just feel sick and tired. All classic signs of overtraining. Its been that way for a week now. Im a bit torn because I want to be a nationally ranked weightlifter and my numbers are still puny. Should I push through or back off? I might risk reinjuring my back which has shown signs today.

Man this is the only one thing I am half decent at and I suck at it. Fuark. Im not asking for much.

This run of 12 weeks have done miracles for my bench and thats one thing to be incredibly thankful for but my back is showing signs of being hurt again, and I might need to double back up and learn to squat in a different way.

I just want to good at something.

I would, not only that I would make sure that their last day would be the best. If I treated people I meet like they would be dying tonight I would probably have more friends right now. The intention is sincere and honest not for any other reason than you just want them to be happy. I for one would like to be treated like that.

Maybe I should try it?

Never,

I am easily swayed by others, especially my parents. I dont have any strong convictions of what I believe in. I always doubt every decision I make. Even speaking out in class over mundane trivial answers that I know is right. Any shred of original thought that I have, I keep to myself because I dont believe its worth sharing with anyone. I throw my ideas away. I hate to sound like a bitch but I think this was brought about by my overly strict father, to whom nothing I try to please continously. He still tells me what to wear and how to act and I am 25.

It makes me sad and angry typing this.

Yes :( .

Lived it for hundreds of days.

Less work to do is my first instinct.

But I would love to have a project or something that I could pour a lot of effort into. I guess I am afraid that I am not competent/smart/dedicated enough to see things through. That I would be unable to find solutions to stumbling blocks and I hate that I would have to feel so frustrated and inadequate. It is not making any progress despite all my hard work (which has happened in the past). That and my shortsightedness.

..
...

1.) I dont have a job, but I would still finish school.

Use up 10-20k to travel before I look for a job.
Buy my mom and dad a home. And save the rest.

1 million is a lot but not that much.

I am still tired and the discrete episode of depression is still hanging around today. I feel tired and lethargic, Like I havent had enough sleep. My face and my palms are sweaty. I cant figure out if I need more fresh air or if Ive been spending way too much time infront of the screen. Maybe both. It was an unrpoductive weekend where i just stayed inside feeling sorry myself and just staring at FB for hours.
Just goes to show how my thoughts and actions are influenced by arbitrary feelings. I got another day of job hunting and gym tomorrow. i have to get out of this stupid as rut. Stop being such a sad mother and be enthusiastic and happy!!!!! arrrggghhh

:D

Meditate, gym, approach and hustle.

Tired of this place. Why am I even here, Ive never done the things Ive set out to do. I cant stick to anything long enough, I keep putting things off in the future. Nothing substantial ever gets done.
I lack foresight, and I still dont grasp the value of consecquence. After all this time I havent grown as a person.

I cant think of anything. Not even form sentences in my head. It pains when i cant contribute anything to class discussions because I am just way too dumb. I just dont know how to think that way. Only thing I am marginally awesome at is maths. But what use is that? this theoretical shit cant solve real world problems like how to cure cancer or how to stop filipino fishermen from blowing up corals.
I cant even solve much simpler things than that, Im trying to but it seems I just get slower and dumber everytime. Its as if Ive never evolved past a certain stage and its hard to even keep up with the mindless shit the people around me are talking about.I know nothing about anything. I am aware of my malfunctioning but I do not know why.

And I still cant talk to people. How can I interact when
1.) I lack the mental capacity to put forth any sort of contribution to anything.
2.) Too retarded to read social cues.
3.) Do not know anything about anything to talk about.

I read my join date and Ive been here since '09. Most of my goals are still here. Nothing ever gets done. I lack and am missing something important and vital in all of this and I just cant seem to put my finger on it. Maybe I dont want to know, maybe I should just bite the bullet, give the fuck up and work at mcds at day and spend my nights laughing at aimless youtube videos designed to take my attention from my awfully pointless life. Thats all my outdated brain is good for anyway. The fuck was i thinking I could be a semi decent musician or even get a degree. Thinking I could be this or that. I was just born to not cut it. I dont know how to maximise the fruits of my efforts, nor even where to direct my efforts. I get the same shit all the time.

Everytime someone talks to me i have to try real hard to simultaneously remember everything theyve just said and then try to formulate an answer, one that does not make me look like a dumbshit. But somewhere in that process my wires turn into sphaggeti and what comes out is a jumble of semi-sensical bullshit that just screams ’’I dont know but please please like me!!, because you are much better than me!!!’’. Im just a melting pot of neediness left on the stove for too long. My protocol of getting to know and trying to befriend someone is by appealing to their pity, by acting like a wounded puppy, trying to cater and conform to what I think they would perceive as a friend. I assume everyone is like that, which is fucked from the get go. Instead of just being me, which begs the question, who am I? I dont know. How can someone who takes 5 minutes to figure out how to work a microwave be expected to work out the intricacies of his inner fucking universe? When people show the smallest signs of not liking me I react with hate and write them off as not worthy of my time. I dont know where I derived this false sense of entitlement from when its obvious that I dont deserve anything at all.

Is it no surprise that I am alone? This is the only company I can make sense of and tolerate. Fuck you, all of you, you probably didnt even read this as its a huge block of text. Fuck this gay earth.
Fuck my inarticulate mind whose only capability is playing level 1 tetris. Fuck my weird sense of humor that nobody else gets leading them to believe that I am a forever alone weirdo who plays D&D all day.

Nothing is interesting about me or my life and I am just a failure. In the absolute sense of the word. I should just change my name to Mr. Mcfailure.

I have wasted my life. goodbye.

ate lunch alone in the benches outside the gym. I aint sad.

But I have to go to the gym.

Walk the middle path. !

A young mum and her 4 year old were on a packed bus. After everyone left I noticed this stuffed toy which appears to be a winnie the pooh character.

I took it and brought it into L&F. It brought the biggest smile on the cute girl behind the desk and she let out a heartbreaking ‘Awwwwwwww!’.
The way she thanked me sounded very suggestive, accentuating the ’s’ at the end.

Im pretty sure she wants my cawk.

was the first time I managed to pull myself up from the depths of depression.

I looked up outside the window as opposed to usually looking down. Convinced myself of the good things about life. Started off small something like ’’Yeah people maybe avoiding me but at least I can still appreciate this beautiful blue sky’’. It felt counterintuitive and silly but I think thats what made it work.

’’Yes im a reject thats why people dont sit next to me, but goddamn am I grateful for awesome Van Halen tunes.’‘

It got even sillier and
It snowballed from there, just by avoiding thinking about unpleasant things no matter how true they may or may not be. I concentrated my will to just focus on the best of what I have and I felt great, you do get what you look for.

Sitting in busstop waiting for the bus going to uni. When this japanese woman with horrible teeth came up to me asking me to take a photo of her and the beehive. I obliged, and took 2 photos of her pulling the typical asian peace sign like every other asian tourist.

The photos looked pretty terrible, it was a cold gloomy day but she seemed happy lolz.

like this forum has been somewhat inactive recently with the regular posters not posting. I hope this is a good sign!

My strength is limitless
My power knows no bounds
It flows through my veins
the rivers of my maker
Through his grace, mercy and omnipotence
Shall I over this sickness
and weakness will not be my heart.
I will transcend my flawed human nature
Purging till my soul is perfect
The infinite blinding light
inside me.

Amen

http://www.43things.com/things/view/161757/play-counter-strike-online

This goal has 4000 people doing it, making it one of the most popular goals on 43t. On second inspection though you’ll notice that none of the people there have avatars. Whats even more strange are the entries that the users put up. They are almost always one line nonsensical statements or even gibberish.

has anyone else encountered something similarly weird/strange on 43T? for users that have been here for years what is the worst/weirdest thing youve come across here?

I woke up from a vivid dream. I dreamt that out of desperation to change my repetitive life, I hugged a random girl handing out flyers. She freaked the hell out and threw me off much to my dismay and disapointment. Just as I was to get into a sef-pitying mode tyler appears out of nowhere and tells thta its alright and that every suffering is part of getting better, getting rejected will happen a lot more. I then walked around in what seemed to be a coastal town. As I passed by a restaurent, the chaffeur mentioned something about me being lazy and I just lost it.

I walked up to her and yelled out- ’’Go f* yourself you whale!!’‘
Staff escorted me out and she was on the floor crying. I felt no remorse whatsoever just pure unbridled anger. I felt the people around me cower in surprise and in fear.

Waking from that I couldnt believe that I did those things. I would never be so bold and adventurous that I would hug a stranger. I would not have the audacity to yell out in public let alone tell someone to ‘f* off’. This thought is affecting me at this moment as I am typing this, maybe my brain/soul is sending me signals or rewiring itself to new possibilities.

The girls planned to head over to this Asian festival by the waterfront and although I expressed an interest to do so, In the back of my mind I was thinking of excuses to not go or leave because even after all this time of trying to get better I’m still trying to avoid people. I am still sick.

I just turned off my brain at this point and just went along. the section of the waterfront they closed of was packed with people, shoulder to shoulder. Normally this would send me in a downward spiral of negatitvity but the overwhelming happiness and excitement of the crowd was infectious and I was glad I didnt bail out.

There were stalls next to each other selling selling native filipino food and man that alone brought me out of my mind. I felt this sense of relaxness that comes when you are around family inside your home.
I went off by myself to watch the dances. The thai and vietnamese girls were absolutely gorgeous, their poise and grace moreso than their faces.

A native dance was going on inside a circle of people but what caught my eye was this girl on the other side. She was wearing this bright blue dress halfway up her thighs, she was asian but she had blonde hair. She was watching with a nonchalant look on her face, I couldnt tell if she was bored or amused. Either way she was not particularly beautiful but her outward persona/demeanor was strong enough to catch and hold my attention. For a brief moment whilst looking at her I felt this passing wave of loneliness like I felt years ago.

I had a great time for the rest of the night though/

Woke up about half an hour ago, my bro got home pretty late this morning making a commotion as usual making his way around our small cluttered room. Yesterday I accompanied the sister to pick up our cousin from the bus terminal, shes with us for the weekend. We met up with a mutual friend that drove us around. We went to a nearby mall where we had some food, the girls insisted on shopping and I was having none of that so i went off on my own. I went to a music shop but I didnt walk in because I have this negative perception of the people who worked in there, I’m aware of how biased and unsuppoerted these feelings are but I left anyway. I played in the arcade by myself as a 24 year old, I spent 3 dollars on this grip strength game.

Saw a cellphone inside a small walletlike container,

When to turn it in at L&F but the office was closed for another half an hour, I wait in line anyway. The owner tries to call me repeatedly but I could not hear him as uni is bustling with first years today, I also thought that he sounded somewhat retarded.

I get a text telling me to drop it off at a particular room.
Me and the sibling went there but it was empty. Outside were a group of nerds/geeks and sure enough this dude with down’s syndrome(and his ginormous friend) walks in and thanks me for returning his phone.

My life is average