Epiphany_7

I have decided to try a little 43 things therapy. I don’t know anyone else, personally, with M.S. or any other chronic illness and so I have no reciprocating sounding board. Sometimes I think it would help if I just typed my feelings and thoughts out. That way I’m not boring anyone, or sounding like a complaining doofus. At least here, anyone can choose to “just not read it” if they don’t want to. But, at least I feel like I’m getting it out and it’s not festering. It would really be great if I got some feedback on anyone with similiar issues. Has anyone else done this? Has it helped? Is it just selfish complaining?

I’ve read a lot about how many people feel that they have halted and even turned around the progression of their M.S. by changing their nutritional intake. They talk about the foods that they have stopped eating and the foods that they have started eating or just increased the previous amounts. The thing that I like about some of the people’s blogs is the nutritional information they include. Not only do they list the foods, but they give the important nutritional value of each food and how it positively affects/heals/enhances which part or function of the body. None of these foods are things that are hard to find or even unheard of. They are simple fruits, vegetables and unpolluted meats that we used to eat regularly, once upon a time before everthing came out of a box or factory, post-heavy processing.
I’ve started my new adventure by making it a priority to exersize at least 3x a week. Just for 30 minutes at a time right now. I’ve also decided to eat a vegetarian based diet. I’m in my third week and haven’t missed the chicken, beef or pork. I must say, that I didn’t go cold turkey. I’m one of those vegetarians that will partake of seafood; tuna, salmon, and shrimp. Once a week is my limit. I have lost 4lbs. That was a bonus. It’s been 14 months since my last relapse. I still have a bit of risidual numbness in my fingertips and toes, but it’s very slight. Other than a few bouts of fatigue a few times a month, that last for a couple of hours, I’m doing well. I have the Remitting-Relapsing MS. I’m determined that it will progress no furthur.

I tell people this, and they react in one of two ways. They either listen with an air of politeness while scoffing in their heads, or they listen with interest, amazement, but not really “getting” what I’m saying. Even those closest to me, who I’ve explained this to again and again seem not to get it! They don’t understand that I TRULY ABSORB THEIR ENERGY. I don’t just hear it, or feel it, I ABSORB IT.
“I am a fucking sponge for your fucking energy!” Your good and your nasty energy and emotions. People’s positive energy sticks close to them like a raincoat. It vibrates and hugs them and rubs off on those who get close. Unfortunately, people’s negative emotions and energy doesn’t stay close. It blasts off of them in waves at the speed of light and slams into objects/people nearby and far away. That nasty stuff plows into me and stays for long periods of time. It coats me and seeps into my skin, oozing into openenings. Negativity invades me, turns me, sticks to me, haunts me, stains me, punishes me, damages me….
The stronger and nastier the emotion, the more vibrations I feel. The strong vibrations start at my toes and move up my body with sickening ripples, raising my hairs amd chilling my skin as it passes. My stomach tightens, my lungs fills, my hands clench, my neck snaps, my eyes shut and my scalp tingles as the energy rushes in.
My unconscious mind is aware of the intruder and already preparing(never adequately) for the onslaught. My conscience mind is unaware of the invasion and ensuing emcampment of this latest negative emotion. It’s unaware of the coming pollution.
And when it passes thru me to infect someone else, I am left with it’s essence and have interpreted it’s visit to be my own property. I am fooled into thinking that this energy is mine, that I own it and must figure out how to deal with it. It takes a long time for me (I am an unshielded empath)to recognize that this energy/emotion doesn’t belong to me. And it takes just as long for me to discard it. During this battle (that may last as long as a few days) I am derailed and have lost my personal focus. My own energy is usually displaced and has to be reinstated.
Soon, I am filled with my own personal anger because I have again allowed someone else’s SHIT to infect and derail me. And the person who’s energy has done this, has long forgotten their issue, especially after having discharged it all over everthing/ everyone else! I am usually left exhausted, belwildered and saddened. I know that I must curl inward to heal. I know that there is no one who understands nor wants to, no one to turn to. People who say that they “believe” and “understand”, really don’t.
I have to find a better way to move through this thing called life. I HAVE TO find a better way to help myself not absorb these energies.
I still want to be a friend, wife, confidant, someday mother, good co-worker, but I must find a way to protect myself. Because NO ONE out there will be careful or thoughful of themselves and the energies they put out. No one ever thinks about the effects of thier words and energies on others. Just how best to get IT off of thier chest and heart. I must admit, I have also been guilty of this great indescretion. WE must all take respnsibility for the space we hold and the energies that we release.
I have looked around lately and see that I am constantly…..no always surrounded by such negative energies. I have made the mistake of assimilating to the mindset of these people. That “half glass full” girl is almost gone, almost transparent.
Her essence is fading and is being replaced with an icky shade of SHIT….