Erinina7

is working on her trapeze career!!



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read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty Seven

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

I work hard, I train for hours. I’ve thought about strength vs. endurance vs. stretching. But I’ve never really thought about how to really train to be an elite performer. How to train to be able to produce the consistent show that I want, without all the stress and nerves. It turns out that the answer is habit. Each piece should be so ingrained that when the music starts, my body reacts. No thought or worry or doubt left, only the desire to make it a little better than the last time by eliminating the self doubt or shakiness or misfirings of too much adrenaline.

I’ve never been very good at habits though, or will power, or discipline…whatever you want to call it. When told to do simple repetitive tasks, my brain screams in a petulant whine, “why?!”

And sometimes, I know “why” and sometimes I don’t, but it doesn’t much matter to my level or commitment to being disciplined. No where is this more apparent than in my feelings about making my bed in the morning. Why should I? Especially when I happen to love crawling into the messy nest I call bed at night, since I work and eat from my bed, relax and watch movies from my bed. Why would I bother making it to rumple it up again? Ever?

Well it seems that there may just be psychological value to the act. It is a signal to your brain to start your day, to wake up, to get up and go! It is also a habit that I currently don’t have and according to the Power of Habit, the best way to conquer other habits like not drinking so much, getting to the gym every morning, writing 5 pages a day is by changing something like making my bed. A “keystone habit.“

At least I think it is. In reality, finding the keystone habit(s) that will knock down my bad habits and build up my good ones, is way more tricky and confusing. For instance, will daily meditation help relieve stress, create awareness and prevent over drinking? In theory. Or will waking up early to write or workout make it easier to wind down and fall asleep at night rather than end the day with a glass of wine? Maybe.

Alright, let’s break it down. 3 things: small wins, new platforms and contagious excellence. So, making the bed, writing, working out and meditating are all small wins I suppose. Unless of course its a day of writer’s block, a bad day at the gym, or a schedule that keeps you pushing snooze more often than you accomplish these things, I suppose. New platforms…okay, I guess that’s the beginning idea. I imagine my pieces in my head. I do this before I go to bed, when I wake up, right before performing, etc. And I also practice them over and over in real life. I make the pieces themselves a habit. That part I get. Part three, contagious excellence. I’m a little unclear about if this means a culture of excellence by implementing the first two principles, or if it means to surround yourself with the people, environment, etc. that will encourage and support your excellence. Though, I suppose both are pretty good points.

So, maybe just waking up at a certain time each day and picking workout, write, clean or meditate would be a good keystone habit. And maybe the freedom to pick from one each day will keep me from sabotaging my new habit with boredom. Of course, not picking workout for my first hour of consciousness doesn’t mean that I skip a workout that day all together, it just means that perhaps I should try doing one of those four things before I get up and open the computer and the emails and the distraction. Possibly. But definitely worth a try.

Well, glad we got that sorted. I’m still not entirely sure I understand how to identify a keystone habit, besides retroactively of course. But at least I have something new to try. And I’m excited to be so polished on my pieces that I never have to get nervous again. Well, at least not too nervous. ;)



Learn how to fight
Fighting

I would like to learn to fight in a couple of different senses.

1. I’d love to be able to be a person that wins the argument or the altercation with whomever is picking a fight with me just by knowing how to be the right combination of patient, cryptic, sassy or just plain non-engaging. This is probably one of those never perfect kind of goals though.

2. I’d like to know how in theory to kick butt MMA style. However, I am so not interested in the beatings that actually being an MMA fighter may involve. I’d also love to do this in some kind of movie, performance, etc.

3. I’d like to learn how to knife fight. Not because I ever want to get into a knife fight, I’ve seen the gory pictures. But because in a life or death scenario, I think that would be my weapon of choice (seems less immediately deadly when defending yourself) and I’d like to know how to do it well and with control, just in case I ever need to.



control my jealousy
The Basics of Managing Jealousy

This was taken from my private blog…so its not PG:

In all the wisdom, in all the world…Kermit the Frog might have hit it closest to the mark. It just isn’t easy being green.

No, this isn’t a post about recycling. I’m talking about envy, jealousy, the big green monster…or as I prefer to call it, the destroyer of sanity and relationships. We’ve all experienced the gut twisting fear, anger or sadness that this lovely emotion can bring about. We’ve also probably felt its suffocating, un-trusting icy fingers grip us when our friends or lovers succumb to its delusional pull. Lucky for you, I’ve done some work on this one and I’m here to share what I’ve learned.

I feel it necessary to note that I was and sometimes still am the worst jealous person in the world. My form of jealousy is that particularly evil fear of abandonment that can turn me into a clinging, crying, angry mess just because you have food poisoning on our date night. If I let it, I can see lies in every story, loving bonds fraying and crumbling all around me and hopeless, lonely futures with even my cat avoiding me in all of my nightmares. I tell you this so that you’ll know that this evil monster can be conquered. Because how could I overcome all of that to deal with loving and trusting my partners in open relationships otherwise? And how could they read this blog and all it reveals to still accept and love me so completely if it weren’t possible?

So here are the basics…I don’t want to get too deep and boring for you, so this is a quick primer to get you started. You can ask me questions and to further illuminate in the comments if you’d like. ;)

1. Jealousy is not anyone else’s problem except yours. No matter what the other person did or didn’t do. Seriously. Your emotion, your decision, your choice. You have to own this, or moving forward will be impossible.

2. Jealousy is not bad. Guess what? If you feel jealous, it means you care about the person you’re having this anxiety over. That’s great! You care about someone! Do a happy dance, fuck their brains out and stop being so freaking scared. Or maybe you feel envious of someone. Know what? That just means you care about accomplishing something that they’ve accomplished or having something that they have. Well, awesome, because knowing what you want to accomplish is half the battle, and well, look at that…there’s the person you can ask about how to get it right in front of you! Unless of course what you want to obtain is your bro’s wife…then you might just want to see if she has a sister. ;)

3. There are different kinds of jealousy. Jealousy is basically a fear of losing or not attaining something that you want. The three forms this most commonly comes in are: fear of missing out (FOMO if you’re from the west coast), fear of abandonment, fear of never accomplishing or attaining something that we want. I’m sure that there are more, but these are the ones that I see pop up most often in my friends and yep, in myself. If you can identify the one that is your usual trigger, you’ll be halfway prepared to conquer it, basically by telling it its a whiny, little bitch and to shut the fuck up.

4. Identifying reality is crucial. Stepping away from your fear is necessary to seeing clearly. Your partner very well may be cheating on you, lying to you or leaving you. These things happen. But fearing them will only do one of two things. You will either create the situation you are imagining or you will hinder the possibility of confronting and lovingly working through why your partner is cheating or lying to you if your fear is indeed already happening.

That’s it. Done. Jealousy explained. Tools to vanquish provided. Go.



meditate daily
Semi Daily

I have a fairly semi-daily practice of chanting, spirituality or yoga. So I’m going to mark this as complete. Mainly because I am not interested in getting so rigid in my spiritual practice that I must chant or meditate every single day.



Recommit to healthy eating and fitness (read all 3 entries…)
Lifelong Pursuit

This goal is something that I consistently revisit and tweak as I learn more about my health and my body. But considering that I’m pretty much in the habit of eating reasonably well and that I’m an aerialist by profession, I’d say I’m pretty committed, so gonna mark this goal as done.



travel around the world (read all 3 entries…)
Responsibility

This goal has adapted to my life somewhat. See, I have a cat. And I’m not gonna give her up, and unfortunately, she turned out to be the kind of cat who isn’t so good at traveling with my like a gypsy.
So, I’m no longer looking to go abroad for 1 year straight. Instead, I’m working my way around the world one trip at a time. In 2010 I spent 2 months traveling with Dreamtime Circus in Peru and in 2011 I got to travel around the US Southeast some more with Piccadilly Circus. Now, looking for my next adventure…



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty Six

The Girls by Lori Lansens

This fictional memoir of two conjoined twins is fascinating in telling the story of the girls’ individuality and independence. You can tell that the author did her research for this book, talking about how each girl’s bodies, emotions and thoughts reacted with each other or didn’t in detail. This is the kind of book that teaches you a little about humanity in a pleasant way while you sit curled up in a blanket by a fire.



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty Five

Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne

While I enjoyed the historical viewpoint that this journey gives in its worldview, and while I did in the end find myself getting a little caught up in whether or not they would make it, whether or not the love story would work out, etc; mostly I found the hero boring and inaccessible. A good man, but I like to dive into the characters of a story and I just wasn’t satisfied with this one. I much prefer 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty Four

The Seventh Tower (The Seventh Tower, #1-3) by Garth Nix

I got this book on sale fortunately. Its absolutely terrible. In a conversation that didn’t happen to be about this book, but is totally relevant my sister said to me that I shouldn’t judge books written for young audiences so harshly, that you don’t have to be a good writer to write for kids. I absolutely and emphatically disagree. You should be a better writer to write for kids. You are part of their education. This book was the worst mimicry of every actually good sci fi and fantasy story ever written trying to tie all of their rules and ideas into a weak imitation, written with absolutely no plot or character development. Dear writers, directors, and story-tellers; if you want us to care about your character, you must earn that care by developing them. Thank you.



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty Three

A Clash of Kings (A Song of Ice and Fire, #2) by George R.R. Martin

A year after reading the first book, I finally gave up hoping someone would lend or gift me the second and headed to Barnes and Noble. Brilliant as usual, though much more political. So much so that for the week that I was immersed in this book, I saw everything around me as a clash of kings. This went over particularly well at my job. I am still the blood of the dragon, and I still don’t know who I want to come out on top in the next book, which I plan on reading much sooner than a year from now.



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty Two

A Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire, #1) by George R.R. Martin

After a debate amongst nerds, I mean friends about whether I was definitely Sansa or Arya embodied, I decided to read and decide for myself. My conclusion is that I am Daenerys. “I am the blood of the dragon” is my new mantra. It works well for me. Also George R. R. Martin has written a wonderful fantasy book that’s best praise I think is managing to have you rooting for all sides at once, instead of for one protagonist or another. Brilliant.



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty One

Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Eaton and Catherine A. Liszt

I think this is like the polyamory bible. In my journey towards finding a language and community and help in navigating the confusing world of dating multiple people, this book was the most often recommended. Yes, it is very hippie-free-love-orgie-puppy-pile and no, I don’t really know what hippie-free-love-orgie-puppy-pile means or should mean, nor do I have a label of good or bad for it. You might though, so you have been warned. What it also has is excellent tools for dealing with jealousy, navigating respect for your partners and a bibliography on everything from gender politics to how to have mind-blowing sex that should be required reading for every single person on the planet no matter with whom or how many people they’d like to sleep with. Overall an easy primer into a new and exciting world. Sit down with some tea and a few hours and come out with a fresh perspective on the world.



go to burning man
2008

And…I’m going. Got a scholarship ticket and I think I have people to stay with and people to make art with…now just to figure out how to get there!



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Sixty

Atlantis Found by Clive Cussler

A page-turning thriller by a detailed researcher, I was left unimpressed by his portrayals of women in general and what they supposedly want. All in all, I think a story written for a man, not a woman, but still interesting and readable for it’s details on it’s various subject matters.

For instance, this book included Nazi history, prehistoric man, Antarctica and any number of weapon and vehicular details.



read 100 books (read all 68 entries…)
Fifty-Nine

The Question of God: C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex and the Meaning of Life by Armand M. Nicholi, Jr.

Always a touchy question, there were probably never two more notably opinionated scholars to debate it. Overall, the author uses his research into their letters, lives and published writings to try to formulate a debate on the main topics of love, sex, death, pain and how to live life from a materialist vs. spiritual worldview.

Saving the author’s notably biased conclusions for your own perusal, I found the work enlightening not only on topics of spirituality and psychoanalysis, but as a biography of the two men themselves.

The most personal epiphany that I had while reading the book was early on when reading Lewis’ comments about love and its pusuit as a purely selfless act as the means to happiness. While I found this helpful and a lovely idea, I was still painfully aware of certain facts and criticisms of biblical history that either he or Nicholi omit. Lewis seems to find most of the proof for his spiritual worldview in literary criticism of the Bible, but addresses the books as eye-witness accounts of Jesus that are in perfect agreement, instead of addressing the fact that their authorship varies by up to centuries and deeply reflects different early branches and sects of Christianity’s political biases. I found this failure to address a rather large materialist criticism dissapointing, but recognize that the error could in fact be Nicholi’s.

As far as Freud goes, I found myself not hating him quite as much as the sexist egotist archetype that he represents in my mind and finding some pity and recognition for his contribution to society and his personal grievances. However, perhaps it is mainly his male dominated world view that often made me wonder what a woman’s perspective in this dialogue could show, particularly a spiritual (but not Judeo-Christian) woman.



learn trapeze (read all 2 entries…)
Aerial Acrobatics

And…I’m taking the class in aerial acrobatics (silk, static trapeze, etc.)! I start on Saturday! Yay!

Sometimes goals take time and happen at their own pace. I am learning to accept that and trust, hopefully…again…



travel around the world (read all 3 entries…)
Looks Promising

I wrote an email out to my network of friends and family, what I call my matrix. I’ve gotten such helpful responses. I’m still researching, but my path is coming clearer. It looks like visiting my cousin in Melbourne, and perhaps traveling and working in Australia for 1-2 months (maybe with my other cousin or a friend?) through one of the many work programs that Australia provides. Then, I was thinking of joining NOVA in Japan, but found out that they crashed and burned in October, so found some other leads to check out: gaijinpot.com and Berlitz language schools. A couple of friends told me about these Vipassana centers around the world where you can stay for up to 10 days and meditate while traveling, to escape the craziness. I still have to figure this out, but I think I’d rather like to check one out in India, or perhaps I’ll find myself stopping at more than one. Then I’d like to either teach english or work in a vineyard in Spain…Barcelona. I’d really prefer to work on a vineyard I think, but a friend of mine gave me a bunch of contacts looking for English teachers in Madrid and earning enough to live on seems more likely from teaching than farming, unfortunately. There are a number of programs that give you housing to work on the farms though, so maybe I’ll find a way to do that for a few weeks. I’d also like to write to a few performance art groups in Barcelona and there’s a group in Australia that I saw at NY Fringe two summers ago and a group that a friend of mine just saw that I’ll maybe contact to see if they need any kind of help at all. Even just ushers, I don’t want to lose my connection with the arts. I’m sure I’ll also do a lot of other small travels. I plan on going to Ireland for St. Patty’s 2009 for instance, and I’d like to see a friend in Mexico and maybe visit my uncle at BANFF in Canada, or other friends and friends of friends around the world. The hardest part now is that I really think this is what and when I’m supposed to be doing this and I’m so excited and can’t wait to go. New York doesn’t seem like home anymore. I wonder if it will in a year and a half when I’m supposed to be coming back.



Build my own theater company (read all 7 entries…)
Mir Productions

We’re pretty official and pretty much a big deal. Check it out at www.mirproductions.org



travel around the world (read all 3 entries…)
It is time

I’m ready. And I’ve set the date…unfortunately, I have to work. I’d like to work in the arts, but I am open to what the universe intends…so, come on universe: I’m looking for jobs in Spain, Japan…3 months worth, Australia, Ireland, Mexico, Peru, Argentina, India…1 week to 1 month worth…point me in the right direction.



Stop caring what other people think of me (read all 3 entries…)
A journey

This is one of those things that I will have to confront again sometime, I am sure…but after this year, I think it’s safe to remove it from my list. I have grown, and I understand that importance of following my own path, making my own decisions and being as honest about those things as possible in all situations. This is not to say that this isn’t tremendously difficult, but is also generally the most rewarding. Only by doing these things can a person ever truly be free.



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