I’ve never been in Love. I don’t even know if thats what this is. But He consumes me. His picture is taped to my desk and I see his face everywhere. He’s the first real relationship I’ve ever had. He’s the first boy I kissed that meant anything. He’s the first boy to truely break my heart; and he’s the first boy I’ve ever forgiven and given a second chance.
When he broke my heart, I knew the next day I’d be going back to him. I didn’t know when, but I knew someday. I fought against my heart for two and a half months, seeing him every day, and ignoring him every day. The first day I saw him after what he did, after betraying my trust, I felt nauseous. I had never had such strong emotions over anyone before. Never did I think seeing someone would make me feel sick, but I guess that comes hand in hand with heart ache.
But I made the first move to talk to him again. I felt dumb doing it. I knew all of my friends would question why I’d go back to someone who did something so hurtful to me, but I did. Two years of mutal attraction and a taste of what we could be like together left me wanting more. He morphed back into the guy I originally loved. I was going to give him a second chance and I figured he’d be more than willing. He apologized over and over. He was drunk, and told me he felt bad having to be drunk to finally apologize. But I knew he was sincere. His best friend told me He intended on fixing things with me that night. And the first time he kissed me after our blow out I still felt uneasy about it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into it, but I did. I fell back into place with him.
I did everything with him you’d want to do with a significant other. Moonlit swims in the creek, sunsets, star gazing, fireworks, kissing in the rain. I spent an entire week with him, night and day, in and out. And I just, I got so used to falling asleep next to him, skin on skin. To waking up with his arms around me. To his kisses and his touch. And I knew that it would end. I knew that it would have to end. I knew that he was leaving for the ARMY. And leave he did.
I figured that would be it. That I’d leave for college and never hear from him again. He always said he only saw himself staying in contact with his best friend. But I came to college. And a week after being here, on labor day, I got a phone call from him. It made me the happiest girl in the world. From there he wrote me letters from Basic Training and called me every few weeks. He just graduated from Basic and has a cell phone and a lap top now.
A part of me wishes I never heard from him again. Then maybe I wouldn’t still have this little pathetic hope in my heart. But I’ve been with other people. I think sleeping with one of his friends two weeks after he left was a mechanism to forget. To try to forget anyways, but we all know that only works for a little while. I came to college and hooked up with another guy. And when having sex with these guys I just thought about Him.
Nothing, no one, compares to him. He trumps all others. And I don’t know how he feels about me anymore. I know that these feelings are useless. I know I am here for four years, and he’ll be all over, including Iraq. I know that when he comes home in December and I see him I will be swept away again. We’ll fall back into where we left off, and any emotions I’m trying to suppress will flare up again. I’m so excited for him to come home, yet I’m terrified as well.
I never knew I could feel so completely in love with someone. I never knew how overwhelming it would be. I never knew that out of anyone he would be my first love. I know I’ll compare everyone to him. I am a strong believer that your first love never dies. I hope that this eventually will burn out. And I hope it’s because I just naturally move on, not because he’s shot down in the desert somewhere in the Middle East.
I wish I could tell him that I Love Him. I wish I knew if he felt the same. But I know that telling him now would only make things harder for the both of us.
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