I’ve never once in my life been happy, I’ve constantly been consumed with my anxieties. I never had anything else, and I have a constant bad luck always dragging me down. Sometimes I do see the light, like things are going well, and then something else terrible brings me back. Well I will always keep trying to learn how to be happy. I just hope my stress goes away permanently someday, so that I can actually enjoy my life without hiding away in pain.
I want to be strong, aggressive, learn how to kick someones butt just in case I have to. I’m sick of being the tiny weak blonde girl. I wanna be a tough girl.
It isn’t as easy for me as other people, I wish I didn’t have the rest of my life to carry the mistakes on my back that define who I am, even though it doesn’t. I can’t actually be who I really am, because I’ve already destroyed a bright future. I have to just settle for whatever I can get, and be. I’ve never known who I am, I am quiet, I am talkitive, I am compassionate, I am inconsiderate, I am messy, I am clean. I am everything, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, I live with a confused state of mentality all the time, I never know what I am doing, or what to think. I just do. I need some sort of help, but I have no money. I can’t get a better job due to the mistakes of my past. I don’t see the light at the end of my tunnel, but I hope and long for true happiness, and true inner self love.
With everything that my ex did to me and caused me so much pain, I can’t get the feeling gone that we did have a love story, that it was true love. But I hate him now, for everything he has done to me, and even though I can’t forget him and everything we went through, I hope he was not my true love. I hope there is hope for me. I always did, and always will, believe that finding love is the most important thing in life, maybe that is why I have been careless in every area of my life, but the one I was in love with and found and made me happy for all my life is gone and now I don’t know what to think. It’s been a year. I just hope I find someone or someone finds me.