FatPassingForThin

Since my “revelation” I’ve lost twelve pounds. I’ve been following the South Beach diet for three weeks today and I haven’t cheated once which is a record. I’m very happy. I’ve been excercising a lot more, my face looks thinner, my middle looks thinner. I am happy. Portion control is a lot easier now.

I was sitting on the couch watching the TLC special “I Eat Thirty-Three Thousand Calories A Day.” My stomach was grumbling because I only let myself have corn for dinner and it wasn’t enough to satiate my appetite. I decided to have a toasted almond granola bar. I sat and ate it with my eyes averted to the screen. I couldn’t look at the fat rolls, the puckered skin, the shame in their eyes. I was slightly nauseated. I felt their shame. I couldn’t finish watching it even though I’d seen it before. After I turned the TV off I came to my computer and looked up the nearest meeting for Overeaters Anonymous. I could walk to it from my apartment. I burst into tears. I’d never go. I don’t share things like this in public. I even edited what I shared with my therapist when I had one, no way I’m standing up in a crowded room with all eyes on me and announcing I have a problem. I’m a size 12 right now. I’ve been a size 12 for the past six years although I’ve gained a good 20 pounds. I somehow manage to wear the same size and not look like a stuffed sausage. But my clothes looked a lot better when I was twenty pounds thinner. I’ve been wearing double digits since I was in fifth grade. 10 years old and a size 10. I’m 21 now. My 18 year old sister barely fits a size 2 and she eats a lot. The difference between us is she stops when she’s full. I stop when the food is gone. Food consumes me even though I consume the food. I think about it all day. When I look in the mirror naked I see what my sister would look like if she wrecked herself. We have the same shape, but mine has been damaged by food. I’ve decided, that I’m going to stop. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to do and not just say. I don’t know what I weigh right now but last time I got on a scale it was around 187. I’m making a public committment to change that. I’m tired of hearing I have a pretty face, or a unique look. I want to be the entire package.