Gabbob

Today when I went into work, I found the bulk of my employees crammed into one office having what they called an “employees meeting.” There was obvious tension in the air when I crashed their little meeting. It was clear I was not invited.

Initially I felt like I was being attacked and I was angry and suspicious. I listened to what they had to say. It was clear that this meeting was engineered by two people and the others were just listening.

One of these two I have known since I was 11 years old. She is like family to me. So then I felt betrayed and hurt. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just come to me with her concerns. I am a fair person and I have never done anything dishonest or hurtful or given her any reason not to trust me. ...Except give my resignation and suggest that her branch office be consolidated into the main office for financial reasons.

And then I realized that this is what the meeting was about. She did feel that I had betrayed her. She feels insecure about her job situation and she is doing what she thinks is right to keep her job.

So, then I felt guilty. I am the one that has made her life unpredictable. I am the one leaving the company and upsetting her world. I feel bad that my actions have caused her distress and fear.

My first thought when the meeting was over? “There is a bar a block away and I need a drink.” I haven’t been feeling well since I returned from my vacation. While on vacation, I felt so calm and peaceful. I can’t ever remember feeling so GOOD! But as soon as we started heading for home, it vanished. The nightmares and depression returned. The gross, overwhelming urges to drinking were back. Every night I lie in bed willing myself not to drink. The other day I ransacked my basement looking for the bottle of vodka my husband hid. Not to drink, but just to know where it is in case I “need” to drink. I am smoking like a fish. I have been consuming huge quantities of caffeine because it makes me feel manic. I have not told anyone how I feel or what I have been doing. I have just been waiting for the excuse to drink so that I can BE as screwed up as I FEEL.

The employees meeting offered me such excuse. I was going to go get a drink and everyone, myself included, be damned. I grabbed my purse and my cellphone fell out. There was a text message from a friend. A person I could call, should call, if I was going to drink. I have this thing about asking for help. I don’t know how. But here was this text message just when I needed help.

I sent him a text to see if he was busy. He called me. I didn’t say that I was about to drink. I just told him I was feeling stressed by this meeting. We talked for a bit and that was that. Enough time had gone by for me to gain some distance from my emotions. I didn’t need that drink any more.

Now, several hours later I realize that it was OK for me to feel angry, hurt, and guilty. Those are honest emotions. It is the running and hiding from them that is not honest and not productive. And while I didn’t exactly ask for help, it was as close enough.

And me….once I wake up tomorrow morning.

I am on the road on a very long family vacation. I completed two weeks of my 5 week program and will take up with the last three weeks when I return home. It has been very helpful. I have not been to an AA meeting since starting my vacation.

The urge to drink is still there and often very strong. Perhaps not as frequent?

I am hoping that between this vacation and the program I can get very near 60 days. Then the program has a 16 week weekly after care program. Combined with regular AA meetings, I am very hopeful.

But I can only do it one day at a time.

My father passed away 9 years ago yesterday. He died 2 months after being diagnosed with colon cancer. I was 26. I took on a lot after he died. Running the business. Care of my mother (she has MS). I had a 2yr old and an infant. I didn’t give myself time to grieve. I have been going at full speed since.

When I quit drinking, memories started popping into my head at random moments. Painful memories of him in the hospital, the memorial service, etc. I don’t quite know how to deal with those memories. They make me want to drink. I don’t want to drink. But each day I don’t drink, there are more memories.

I miss him very much, but at the same time I am glad he is gone. He was extremely controlling and demanding and had high expectations. People either loved him or hated him. I did both.

I thought that I should write him a letter. That this might help with the memories.