Glorie_Box

I don’t want to spend Christmas apart from my ex because I’m still in love with him. But I don’t know if he feels the same about me, at least in terms of spending time together or not. I’ve toyed with the idea of flying down to see him, but

A) I don’t know if he’d even want to see me

B) Perhaps going to him instead of him coming to me means I’m disrespecting myself

C) This is extremely unhealthy behavior because I am supposed to be getting over my ex. God has helped me to find some peace, but I still miss him and I think because I haven’t found someone to fill that void, I keep wanting him back.

I let myself imagine that I was going to visit him for the holiday like in the old days when I was always flying to see him and it made me feel really good. I felt excited and eager and like I was going home to somewhere comfortable.

I dreamed a few nights ago that I was talking to him on the phone and he mumbled something. When I asked him to repeat it because I didnt hear him he was like, “I was just saying it would be kinda nice if you were here or whatever. I mean, you know, like sometimes.”

And I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relieved and I was like, “Oh my Gosh, I was thinking about flying down for Christmas.”

Then we started laughing and making plans. Wistful thinking.

I wish he would give me a sign that he feels the same as I do. I don’t even know if he loves me or is in love with me anymore. Maybe he hates me. Maybe I hurt him so badly he can’t love me anymore. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

I’m going to bed now.

Gah, I am doing much better with my meals, but I snack on stuff I really shouldn’t. Today, I ate an entire bag of M and M’s. I wanted to purchase a small bag of them because I was craving chocolate really bad but they only sell the full size bars at the super market. So I got one of those “tear and share” bags of peanut m and m’s.

About 430 calories. I intended to eat half the pack and give the rest to my roomie. NOPE. She was sleep when I got home, so I kept nursing the bag.

At one point I put them on her desk and walked away. but then they started calling my name, so I went back and polished offthe bag. Damn it. I have got to find some healthier snacks other than yogurt which is quickly getting old. Oh no, got gas.

So I am eating a lot bettter, but today was bad because i snacked quite a bit on the wrong things—including a few handfuls of hot tamale candy, a bowl of lucky charms and of course these 3 pieces of chocolate.

Darn it! I mean everything wasn’t too bad—there was whole wheat spaghetti, tomato sauce w/ground up onions, jalapenos, and green peppers + garlic, then i had a chicken breast and some black beans when i came home.

so yeah, now i have a ton of disgusting gas. it feels good when i poop, but all day my belly kind of hurts and feels bloated.

OUCH! i wonder how long it will take for my body to adapt. im also considering getting on diet pills again. i really hate taking them, but i want to get skinny. hough i mainly want it for me, i also want to do it so that whenever my fiance sees me again he will be like, “Damn, she looks good!” so even if he’s with a new girl, he sees what he’s missing.

I also want to increase my chances of finding another mate.