Ashley Amato

I'm doing 11 things
Recent entries
stop being so paranoid
Don't know why, but it needs to now

I have a feeling about why I am so paranoid, but not sure if it’s right or not. I am not confident in myself anymore, and I’m honestly over living most of the time, but for some reason I’m still here, and I keep thinking, as impossible as I think it is, that maybe, just maybe, there really is a reason I’m here, and that I can make a better life for myself and for others, but then I also think about how there are so many people on this earth, and how there have been so many different ways of living for people in our history, and even today…different cultures, places, ways of thinking, feeling, living, speaking, there are so many different ways of things, that I don’t know how to figure out the meaning of it all. I try to think positively and even daydream/fantasize about things being a certain way, in my head, with my thoughts, but it’s just thoughts and if I had a real job, or anything worth concentrating on, I wouldn’t be able to be doing that. I get really paranoid at my mom’s work, where I’ve been helping out for a while now, and where I used to work. She’s the CFO of the company, and I know most of the people that work there. I used to be a really nice person, and I got along with pretty much everyone. People used to say that I was “too” nice, and I had a big heart. I used to care more about others than myself, but now it’s the opposite I think. I feel very selfish, but I don’t feel like I’m doing it intentionally, I just can’t seem to find the balance between taking care of myself, and doing for others. It’s not like I really do much for myself anyways, just eat, sleep, shower, try to get out and function in the world and have feelings, thoughts, and opinions about things again, but I just don’t feel normal anymore. My mom is getting really frustrated with me too now, and I get frustrated with her too, and myself, and sometimes I feel like things would just be better of without me. I feel like I bring misery to everyone around me, and I don’t feel like it’s “a choice”, like I can just make myself be nice, happy, loving, caring, giving… Sometimes I wonder if I really am paranoid, or if it’s real the things I think about. I know paranoia is real in it’s own way, but maybe what I am paranoid about, I have a reason to be, because it’s true, and not just me thinking it. I really hope there’s a heaven, because I can’t stand this place anymore…and I don’t see the point in living, if you can’t even be happy and make others happy, but that’s my opinion.

I want to stop wasting my life in the past and learn to live in the present
I can relate very much so...

ugh…I keep erasing what I’m writing…I guess I keep accidentally pressing this one button that deletes my whole message. Aaaanyways, I just wanted to say that I have pretty much every goal you have, even if it’s not on my list. lol This goal is the one I just looked up, and that’s how I came across your profile. I struggle with this a lot…mainly a relationship I can’t get over…or at least forgive myself for anything I may have done wrong in it, and stop blaming myself for what I did, and feeling like it was all my fault it didn’t work out. I have other things I feel guilty about as well, not having to do with that relationship…just myself, and how I feel I haven’t REALLY accomplished a lot in my life. I’m very scared of being independent(supporting myself, and figuring out what to with my life)! I worry(and always have) about the future a lot. I have enough to worry about in the present, and still I seem to worry about the past and the future, even though it does me more harm than good, and yet I continue to do it over and over and over again. Sheesh, what’s it gonna take?! Well, I’m trying to work on it, and I hope the best for you as well…I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way…as well as the other things you want to work on! Keep pressing on…you never know what kind of difference you could be making in someone’s life, or may be preparing to make in the future, but don’t worry about it now…just believe that’s it’s possible, and that if you really want to make it happen, and have faith, it can and will!

stop contradicting myself and being confused all the time
I do the same thing

I question everything I do. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel like I don’t walk right, talk right, eat right, think right, everything. It’s really weird. I’m sorry you are confused as well. I hope things will change for you. :)

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