HappinessForMe

It’s hard to let go of the past sometimes because you don’t even notice you’re held back by it. How much of my personality is inherited from my past experiences? probably lot of it, good AND bad. I want to let go of the past that anchored beliefs in me that are now holding me back. The distinction is going to be half the work right there! I can’t deny where I’m from but I can’t let it define who I am if it’s know what I want it to be. Does it make any sense? To me it does…in the end, I want to be able to say “I have been believing, doing, saying things in a way that doesn’t work for me, let’s try something that works” As for mistakes, they are lessons I will proudly carry with me and wear as badges of courage for having tried something and being able to recognize it’s behind me and I am moving forward to a better approach to life. Voila!

When I went to bed last night, I started doing this NLP thing as part of my losing weight goal. Because this time I don’t want to diet, I want to find why I’m eating beyond the nourrishment point. So here I am, writing my goals, and then going through why I want to reach these goals, and then another list for how I’m going to reach my goals and then it hit me. What is standing between being the person I always wanted to be and who I am now is just excuses. All the things I love and admire in other people are things I can do myself! Stop being jealous, envious and indulge in self-pity! There is no excuse strong enough to keep you from being who you want to be and love every bit of it!!

I know I have been through a lot of abuse in my young life and sometimes it makes me wonder if this is not some type of rewarding behaviors that I accept because it gives me some attention and love. Some is the keyword. I know it’s not true love but it is some attention. I keep accepting the way people treat me sometimes and I start feeling sorry for myself but it gives me instant gratification and significance. The problem is that I don’t feel proud … I mope around for a while but it gives me nothing, it stops me in my tracks, I start hating myself and not seeing the good in me.
This behavior is not conducive of being happy and I want to stop it. I want to understand better and find better ways to take care of my needs for significance and attention. I want to get attention because I did something special and amazing, which I know I am capable of. I just have to allow it.
I don’t want people’s pity, I want people’s admiration, affection, jealousy (sometimes hee hee)
I want to become the adult me I am supposed to be.