As planned, drank a pint of German beer Friday night. It tasted good but made me flushed. So, I decided to drink water and felt better. Saturday had 2 pints of German beer, wasn’t flushed, felt great. But both nights I fell asleep around 8:00p.m. And Saturday morning I slept until 10:30!! That is soooo not like me. Last night, no beer, in bed and asleep by 9:00. I’ve had really vivid, weird dreams lately too.
Bored. I think that’s what it is. I’m bored. Without alcohol it’s just me. And it’s worse this week because I pulled a tendon in my knee and am in pain, so I can work out. However….it is still nice to wake up in the mornings and not feel like shit. I got all the laundry done this weekend, I did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom and did some studying. But I miss getting buzzed on alcohol. I miss the numbing peacefullness. sigh
Boyfriend came into town for the weekend so I ended up drinking a little. But not much so I don’t feel disappointed in myself for falling “off the wagon” whatever that means. Friday night I had 1/2 a beer and didn’t really like it because I don’t like Michelob. It was more for washing down the spicy wings I was eating. Saturday, I had 2 German beers while sitting at an outdoor cafe. I got deliciously intoxicated, then fell asleep at 4:00p.m and slept thru the night. Sunday and Monday I had a couple of beers also. I woke up feeling fine each morning and not upset with myself as I sometimes am in the morning after drinking. BUT…the bad things is that my craving for alcohol has come back. That physical and emotional craving for the numbing effects of alcohol. Today is Wednesday and I did not drink last night. I won’t drink at all this week and will probably have a pint Saturday night, as was my original plan. Alcohol is very powerful. I had no idea how difficult it is to lose its grip. It’s like a clingy 2 year old.
I hadn’t realized what a good buddy alcohol was. Guess it’s true…you don’t miss ‘em till they’re gone. Ok, so maybe alcohol was a sneaky, lying, bastard of a friend, but a friend none the less. No one is perfect, right? ;-) Seriously though, alcohol was my companion. I would look forward to that numbing buzz that I knew was in my near future. But I don’t miss it enough to start again. It’s more just a realization of a dependence. One thing about being sober 24/7 is that I’m thinking clearer. Unless it’s just a coincidence or I’m delusional, I think I’m thinking clearer even when I normally wouldn’t have been drinking. Like at work, for instance. Also, my complexion and coloring is better. Especially in the morning. I don’t have those dark circles under my eyes so much anymore. But I am realizing how utterly alone I am in this world. That part is scary. Even for a confirmed introvert like me.