HoHumSigh

As planned, drank a pint of German beer Friday night. It tasted good but made me flushed. So, I decided to drink water and felt better. Saturday had 2 pints of German beer, wasn’t flushed, felt great. But both nights I fell asleep around 8:00p.m. And Saturday morning I slept until 10:30!! That is soooo not like me. Last night, no beer, in bed and asleep by 9:00. I’ve had really vivid, weird dreams lately too.

Bored. I think that’s what it is. I’m bored. Without alcohol it’s just me. And it’s worse this week because I pulled a tendon in my knee and am in pain, so I can work out. However….it is still nice to wake up in the mornings and not feel like shit. I got all the laundry done this weekend, I did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom and did some studying. But I miss getting buzzed on alcohol. I miss the numbing peacefullness. sigh

Boyfriend came into town for the weekend so I ended up drinking a little. But not much so I don’t feel disappointed in myself for falling “off the wagon” whatever that means. Friday night I had 1/2 a beer and didn’t really like it because I don’t like Michelob. It was more for washing down the spicy wings I was eating. Saturday, I had 2 German beers while sitting at an outdoor cafe. I got deliciously intoxicated, then fell asleep at 4:00p.m and slept thru the night. Sunday and Monday I had a couple of beers also. I woke up feeling fine each morning and not upset with myself as I sometimes am in the morning after drinking. BUT…the bad things is that my craving for alcohol has come back. That physical and emotional craving for the numbing effects of alcohol. Today is Wednesday and I did not drink last night. I won’t drink at all this week and will probably have a pint Saturday night, as was my original plan. Alcohol is very powerful. I had no idea how difficult it is to lose its grip. It’s like a clingy 2 year old.

I hadn’t realized what a good buddy alcohol was. Guess it’s true…you don’t miss ‘em till they’re gone. Ok, so maybe alcohol was a sneaky, lying, bastard of a friend, but a friend none the less. No one is perfect, right? ;-) Seriously though, alcohol was my companion. I would look forward to that numbing buzz that I knew was in my near future. But I don’t miss it enough to start again. It’s more just a realization of a dependence. One thing about being sober 24/7 is that I’m thinking clearer. Unless it’s just a coincidence or I’m delusional, I think I’m thinking clearer even when I normally wouldn’t have been drinking. Like at work, for instance. Also, my complexion and coloring is better. Especially in the morning. I don’t have those dark circles under my eyes so much anymore. But I am realizing how utterly alone I am in this world. That part is scary. Even for a confirmed introvert like me.

Pretty amazing, huh? I’m thinking back to any other time I quit for a week. The only time I have in the last 20 years is once when I was on some medication and the doctor said don’t drink at all because it will make me violently ill. I was on that medicine for 10 days, I think. And I really missed drinking then. Maybe cuz I was in a lousy marriage and pretty depressed. Maybe because mentally I wasn’t prepared to quit drinking. Yesterday some guys were drinking beer and offered me one and I wasn’t even tempted. But then, that’s not a real surprise. It was 2:00 in the afternoon and the beer was Miller Lite. Ugh. I’m a beer and wine snob. Or was. Still am, I guess. I decided that I’m gonna buy a cappucino machine for myself. Kinda a reward.

I decided to forgo my pint of beer last Saturday. Want more time to have stopped before I start again. So, maybe this Saturday. Then again, maybe never. I’ve told people now too. Only one friend said “good for you!”. My stepmother said I’ll probably start drinking again. And no, she wasn’t being a pessimist or trying to knock me down. I think she thinks it’s just a weird body phase. Also, I don’t think she realizes how much of a problem it has become for me. She lives on the other side of the continent. My b/f that lives 350 miles away was surprised when I told him I hadn’t had a drink all week, and even more surprised when I told him I didn’t miss it.

It is now Saturday morning and I have decided to forgo the Saturday night Pint. At least for this week. I want to make sure I’ve stopped for longer than just 6 days before I see if one Pint a week will work for me. I’m feeling blue and depressed but I think that has more to do with the other crap going on in my life right now than missing alcohol. Working, studying, working out, cleaning and paying bills this weekend. Can you think of anything more fun? le sigh Well, I did save at least $30 this week in alcohol not purchased. And I remember years back when I was on a really tight budget getting drunk and ordering chinese food. Which was not in my budget to do and I always regretted it the next day when I was sober.

Well, it’s Friday. Never thought I would last this long. Not a raging alcoholic…but definately a problem drinker. A pint and a half of beer every night after work. High test beer too. 7.7 or higher ABV. Which is alot for someone who is small and thin. Had a very stressful 2 days this week and didn’t even want a beer. But yesterday I was wishing I had a beer in the house. Funny thing, yesterday was a good day. But I just missed that old buddy beer, I guess. My skin looks a little better already. More color in the mornings. This morning I have a headache and it’s nice to know that it’s not a hangover, but a sinus headache. Probably from the weather. But it is nice to be able to know that. Also, my head feels clearer at work and I think I’m remembering things better. The best part is saving $$. I figured out that I spend about $240 a month on beer and/or wine! My plan is to have my pint of beer just on Saturday as a kinda treat. Then it will only cost me $20 a month. But if I wake up on Sunday and feel like crap I will forgo my Saturday pint.