Hoffy

Being able To tell someone special how i feel about some things, even if it was hurtful
Being told the truth
The fact that i have started To change some of My Old behaviour that wasnt good for me or people around me

3 weeks now without alcohol..
I know i have had this goal for a long time now, and i know travelling through Central America this year did not make it easier to achieve this..
But now when i`m back home it is easier to avoid alcohol..
During these 3 weeks i have had really bad urges to drink, mostly in the first 2 weeks, but now i don`t really feel like drinking, and that is a feeling i would very much want to keep:) I feel better when i don`t drink at all and my wish is to keep this up for the rest of 2013.. I need all the willpower i can possibly mobilize to achieve this goal.

Why do i want to do this?

(1) I have a history of depressions and i have used alcohol as “self medication”. This has only made my depressions worse, and i also think that sometimes the pain has stayed longer because to much alcohol causes the brain to lower the natural levels of dopamine and serotonin.
Less Dopamine means: less ability to feel happiness, motivation and less energy, low ability to concentrate and less power of initiative.
Less Seritonin: Higher levels of anxiety, more ability to feel fear and lower self-esteem etc..

(2) I do less things i regret if i don´t drink.. I have done some “stupid” things being drunk.. I have said stupid things i later regret, started fights and so on and so on..

(3) Every time i have tried to escape a problem or escape pain with alcohol, the problem or the pain did not go away (surprise!) Sometimes the pain or anxiety did only get worse. And i created new problems instead of solving some..

(4) I have only ONE brain! It is a fact that drinking too much destroys pathways between brain cells..Sometimes it´s better to forget, but not everything..

(5) I don´t want to get more addicted than this.. I feel i still have control over this, but for how long if i keep on drinking the way i have done?

In my attempts to be happy (or at least as happy as possible) i tend to think that happiness means lack of pain.. I now realize that a life without pain is impossible to achieve.
All my life i have lived with the illusion that happiness means total absence of pain or misery.. Who ever told me that lied.
There are thousands of reasons for pain just by being a human being.
Think about it.. Living also means loss of friendships, lovers and important people, by death or other circumstances. Living sometimes means loss of other important things, like a job, education, opportunities, health or youth..
Loving someone means you´re feelings might be hurt, you might hurt the one you love or you might loose her or him.. Love hurts, living hurts..
Why all this pessimism all the sudden?
Because the more i try to avoid or escape pain in my own life, the more real the pain becomes.
How many times have i tried to escape pain and depression by drinking alcohol? So many times i cant remember, and for so many years now. The problem with alcohol is that it makes depression and anxiety worse, and you´re source of pain does not go away. Instead you create new problems along the “road of self medication”
How may times have i given up on things, challenges and relationships because of fear? The fear of pain that comes from being hurt, or the fear of failure.. Many times..
How many times have i destroyed relationships because the thought of being hurt have been to much to handle? A couple of times..

Living with the illusion that happiness means absence of pain has only given me more pain.. The more i have tried to avoid, escape the pain, the more real it get´s.
What i have learned instead is that: Being able to live a happy and fulfilling life means learning to accept painful thoughts, feelings, memories and situations and still function. To accept does not mean the same thing as saying: “Yes, it is ok, and i will do nothing about it”.. Some things you cant change, but you can learn to live with it, and some things you can do something about, but it´s only once you accept something that you can actually do something about it..