Hoffy

3 weeks now without alcohol..
I know i have had this goal for a long time now, and i know travelling through Central America this year did not make it easier to achieve this..
But now when i`m back home it is easier to avoid alcohol..
During these 3 weeks i have had really bad urges to drink, mostly in the first 2 weeks, but now i don`t really feel like drinking, and that is a feeling i would very much want to keep:) I feel better when i don`t drink at all and my wish is to keep this up for the rest of 2013.. I need all the willpower i can possibly mobilize to achieve this goal.

Why do i want to do this?

(1) I have a history of depressions and i have used alcohol as “self medication”. This has only made my depressions worse, and i also think that sometimes the pain has stayed longer because to much alcohol causes the brain to lower the natural levels of dopamine and serotonin.
Less Dopamine means: less ability to feel happiness, motivation and less energy, low ability to concentrate and less power of initiative.
Less Seritonin: Higher levels of anxiety, more ability to feel fear and lower self-esteem etc..

(2) I do less things i regret if i don´t drink.. I have done some “stupid” things being drunk.. I have said stupid things i later regret, started fights and so on and so on..

(3) Every time i have tried to escape a problem or escape pain with alcohol, the problem or the pain did not go away (surprise!) Sometimes the pain or anxiety did only get worse. And i created new problems instead of solving some..

(4) I have only ONE brain! It is a fact that drinking too much destroys pathways between brain cells..Sometimes it´s better to forget, but not everything..

(5) I don´t want to get more addicted than this.. I feel i still have control over this, but for how long if i keep on drinking the way i have done?

In my attempts to be happy (or at least as happy as possible) i tend to think that happiness means lack of pain.. I now realize that a life without pain is impossible to achieve.
All my life i have lived with the illusion that happiness means total absence of pain or misery.. Who ever told me that lied.
There are thousands of reasons for pain just by being a human being.
Think about it.. Living also means loss of friendships, lovers and important people, by death or other circumstances. Living sometimes means loss of other important things, like a job, education, opportunities, health or youth..
Loving someone means you´re feelings might be hurt, you might hurt the one you love or you might loose her or him.. Love hurts, living hurts..
Why all this pessimism all the sudden?
Because the more i try to avoid or escape pain in my own life, the more real the pain becomes.
How many times have i tried to escape pain and depression by drinking alcohol? So many times i cant remember, and for so many years now. The problem with alcohol is that it makes depression and anxiety worse, and you´re source of pain does not go away. Instead you create new problems along the “road of self medication”
How may times have i given up on things, challenges and relationships because of fear? The fear of pain that comes from being hurt, or the fear of failure.. Many times..
How many times have i destroyed relationships because the thought of being hurt have been to much to handle? A couple of times..

Living with the illusion that happiness means absence of pain has only given me more pain.. The more i have tried to avoid, escape the pain, the more real it get´s.
What i have learned instead is that: Being able to live a happy and fulfilling life means learning to accept painful thoughts, feelings, memories and situations and still function. To accept does not mean the same thing as saying: “Yes, it is ok, and i will do nothing about it”.. Some things you cant change, but you can learn to live with it, and some things you can do something about, but it´s only once you accept something that you can actually do something about it..

I get it.. It is what it is..

I cant change the situation, what happen happen.. I cant change her.. The only thing i can do is to accept the fact, try to understand why she did what she did, and then change the way i think about it.. Everything happens for a reason they say..

Why? Because i will start my studies Sept this year and they will mostly be in English. I`m not that use to read in English. I´m more use to speak English after some serious traveling but reading: a new challenge for me..

I have got a BIG book in psychology (700) pages and my plan is to read at least 30 minutes everyday in this one..

So. 4 months has passed already. What have i achieved so far? How has life been?

Jan, Febr, Mars: Well, first 3 months i traveled again, through Central America. It was a lot of fun but still this time i realized that i´m done traveling for a while, which is good because my next journey will be studying at University..

April: Took some time to get back into “routines” once i got back to Sweden.. I found a job (boring, but good money) and my plan is to save up as much as i can before i start studying (Sept this year) so that i dont have to worry as much about money once i start..
Spent a lot of time “soul searching” to and i find new things i need to accept, want to change or improve etc..

My top 10 goals so far..

(1) Move to another city: Once i made up my mind about where i wanted to study, it became easier to make up my mind about where to move.. Closer to the University.. I have two cities i want to move to. I made an “ad” on a webpage for switching apartments.. I`m on my way now..

(2) Personal study and research time: I can set this goal as done.. For now.

(3) Read the Bible everyday: Well…No..
I will change this goal to : “Challenge myself more”

(4) Quit alcohol: I´m doing better and better.. I become more and more aware of why i drink.. I have been using alcohol as an “escape” from pain.. I have a history of depression and alcohol has only made things worse for me.. I´m currently going to therapy and this helps me long term.. Let´s hope i can get rid of this self-destructive habit once and for all

(5) Break the habit: Doing better here.. I have some help from a friend with this and that´s what helps me right now

(6) Start as E.P: No.. Dont´t want to anymore.. So no..

(7) Gain one kilo of muscles: I love to exercise! Problem is i do it for a couple of months, but then i loose track and i quit, just to start again a couple of months later.. I just feel like i want to get some good results once and for all that´s all.. I have 8 months left to do this.. How? I don´t know yet.. I don´t really enjoy going to the gym. I think i will give “Thai boxing” a try.. Might give me some adrenaline as well

(8)Record 3 songs with my band: The band is no more..So no more songs there:( I will find a new way to be creative when it comes to music

(9)Play music everyday: I don´t know why this has to be so hard? I love music.. I think something that is holding me down is that i think i suck to much everytime i start to play.. I know it´s just in my head. I need to change focus here..

(10) Read 10 psychology books:
1: “The power of thinking without thinking” -Malcolm Gladwell
Interesting book about the power of our subconscious.
2: “You´re many faces” -Virginia M.satir
About the power of our emotions. How they can change from time to time and that we need all of them.

Since the age of 15 i have been struggling with feelings of sadness and emptiness.. I find different ways to fight the “demons” away but sometimes it all falls down and i feel like an emotional wreck.. This is my reality that i have to work with..I will probably be like this for the rest of my life so i might just make the best out of it..
Depression has been a part of my life from time to time.. I do all that is in my power to fight it and it takes all of my energy so i have little left to do the things i would like to do, and after a while (sometime months, sometimes half a year and sometimes longer) it slowly goes away.. But then after a while it all comes back to me.. My latest depression was last year and i did well fighting it.. This time i will do my best to keep happy.. I will find ways to do this, because the more i get aware of the power my thoughts and feeling has over me, the more i can de-dramatize them, and slowly im getting stronger and stronger..

I did it!

The boxes with crap that has been standing in the closet for as long as i can remember is now officially “decluttered”.. My storage place in the cellar is cleaned out and the boxes with stuff i will keep are now stored there.. This too me one day.. Funny thing is i have been thinking about doing this for a couple of years now, instead of just dong it.. Huh time to face the facts: i`m a master of procrastinating..Time to change that!

It’s over.. Talking To My brother yesterday helped me realize our time With the Band is over. The Circumstances has changed and we might not be able To Ever play again, and if we do it might not be until another year has passed. My brother keeps on playing his drums on his own and My friend With the guitarr, i guess he has 1000 new projects.. It’s been almost 2 monts now scince we “broke up” and i need To move on To new things.
I have To see this as an oppurtunity To find new ways To be creative when it comes To the love of My life: Music..
I accept this as a new challenge in My life

Sometimes reslizing the truth is painfull! But i guess thats the Way it has To be. You have To accept things as they are and feel the pain if nessesary To be Able To move on or act

Lets just F…ing do it ok?

For how long have been avoiding this? Too long:) I have so much crap just laying around taking up space..
Im thinking now that spring is finally here and the sun is up and the birds are singing and everything, i will take advantage of my new found energy..

I just created an “ad” on a webpage for switching apartments..

Even though i recently came home from a couple of moths travelling through Central America, i feel like i`m back in the comfort zone that everyday life gives us if we don`t fight it..
I don´t want to take the easy way anymore..I just started working at a new place, and that was a challenge for about one week. Now i`more bored than ever, even though i know it´s just for a couple of months before i start my University studies.. Hopefully studying will bring me enough challenges to keep me away from boredom..

I just realized that my psychology course will be mostly in English, and i thought it would be in Swedish, but one book (over 1000 pages) will be in English..
I`m not use to study in English, so this will be a great challenge for me.. I have 4 months to get prepared and read more English literature. My plan is to read a bit English everyday. My friend has the older edition of the book i will study so i have borrowed it from her and i will dig into it

The more i think about it, the more i realize how much denial has been a part of my life.. Survival mechanism i guess.
My brain keeps coming up with new ideas about things i think i need to accept, maybe i´m taking it a little bit to far and should just relax a little bit hehe:)

Anyhow.. One thing i know for a fact is that i need to challenge myself more, all the time.. I get easily bored when things get to easy, still i tend to avoid challenging myself from time to time.. This will be a new goal for me..

So far in my life i have got my well needed “kicks” mostly out of travelling..I freakin love it! But…At this point in my life i will get back to school and that forces me to get creative here and find new ways to get my kicks..

When i was a teenager i got my kicks from metal music and getting “beaten up” from falling and hurting myself doing stunts on my rollerblades..
Then i started climbing. That was fun for a while..Then i got into travelling, but to be honest, at this point travelling does not give me the adrenaline rush i once got..
Now what to do?

I have figured out what i want to do the next 3 years when it comes to work and education, i will go to University and study Behavioral science, and that is a big step for me knowing what i want to do finally. I`m 30 years old and i have tried out different kinds of work, and i have studied different stuff, but never got the feeling that i was on “the right track”.. This time my decision feels more right than ever..
I know now more than ever that reaching the goal is not the most important thing for me, it´s the amazing and exciting journey it brings me, so i will do my best to have as much fun as possible doing this..
Soo! I got that part figured out (for now). But i`m still not satisfied when it comes to other sides of my life..So i will not set this goal as done, not yet..

I have tried for to long to do this by myself.. I have come to a point where i have got a close friend involved.. And woila, i have already got much closer to this goal than ever.. I think it might work this time..

I have recently discovered the power of acceptance.. Once i start to accept a fact in my life or about myself, that`s when i realize if i should just accept and go on, or if i have the power to do something about it..
I feel like this is a new journey in my life that has just began..

I have had this as a goal for a long time now.. And i think i have been putting it on hold because im afraid of doing it.. And i think that is a strong enough reason for doing it..
I think about it and realize that i have not enough knowledge to go through with this.. I mean i can learn new songs to sing and play but i dont know what kind of equipment i will need. What kind of program for my computer, how do i connect video to sound etc.. So the first step is to start the research..To learn more about “how” to do this

I have finally after lots of thinking, soulsearching and exploring made up my mind about what im going to study. I will study: Behavioral sciense! Yep im really interested in how we humans work (and dont work) and i will get a bachelor´s degree in psychology.. At least this is the plan, and im putting it into action Sept this year.. I have applied and everything so now im just waiting to get accepted at University