Hydriad

Michael left his wife just a few weeks after this post.

The situation has worsened not improved. Instead of coming toward me as he promised, he has simply tortured me by stringing me along.

Just before he left, he asked me if I would be there for him if he left. Even though I thought I had come to terms with a life without him, I said yes. He left… but then pushed me away.

He seems broken. The act of leaving his home and (in his mind) losing his children has sent him into a state of depression. I honestly think that he sees me (or at least his feelings for me) as the cause of all of his pain.

We have tried to get together but the second it seems that we are reconnecting, he runs away again. At this point he barely communicates with me except to sms me about once a week. I still message him almost every day. (I need someone to steal my blackberry).

I am unable to even think about opening my heart up to anyone else. It was one thing to accept that we wouldn’t be together for the sake of his children. It is quite another to accept that we both destroyed our families to be together but can’t be because the process was too hard.

I tried corresponding with a couple of guys from a dating site. I just couldn’t go through with any of it. I was very open about my situation wtih Michael. One guy asked me the right qestion…. he asked what I would do if Michael came back and told me that he loved me…. the answer was that I would accept him with open arms and throw away anything or anyone else to be with him.

It is the truth…. and until it isn’t true, I can’t subject anyone else to being with me.

I am gong to mark this one as done.

The answer is, I am done enough. I will always be incredibly disappointed about this episode in my life… but that is ok.

I had to push away the love of my life.
My best friend broke my heart and treated me really poorly.

I am disappointed that Michael did not have the strength to be honest with himself a year ago.

I am disappointed that because of that, he used me.

I am disappointed that he choose drag things on for months… bouncing back and forth and causing me substantial heartache (and depression).

I am disappointed that he didn’t consider me enough of a friend to tell me to my face.

I am disappointed that I allowed myself to believe him… that we were some how different.

I am disappointed that I will not get to share in watching his children grow.

I am disappointed in the fact that someone I love has destined himself to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

I am disappointed that his children will grow up in a loveless home.

I am disappointed that I didn’t walk away months ago.

BUT, those things will always be true… I just won’t fret about them as much.

In the meantime… I am moving on.

I was miserable about losing someone that I loved. But honestly he made it easier by being an absolute ass. By treating me the way that he did, I am able to say that he doesn’t derserve me.

Am I over him yet? No… but I feel like I have walked a step closer to the door.

I was also lucky enough to spend some time with my ex (and my son) yesterday. He is a great guy and will hopefully be my friend forever but I really did make the right choice in leaving. Even over a year later, we are able to get extremely tense around each other within a short time. The funny thing is that we are both trying so hard for the sake of our son and we still get completely edgy around each other. It helped me remember that the last year of our marriage was nothing more than a low grade cat fight.

So here I am.

I am alone but the good news is that my son is the cutest thing on the planet, I have a good job, I love my little house, and I am pretty damn cute. So there is hope yet.

Where to go from here?

I had the honor to know an old couple who had been together since high-school…they were both in their 80s before Betty died from cancer…I knew them both for almost 5 years and since the day I met them, they always held hands… That is what I am looking for. I wish that I knew how to find it.