Trainer is away next week. He deserves it, but … it’s AWFUL!
All beginners lessons are cancelled except one on Wednesday.

But I got the book, I was shown many things to practise, MANY things; I have enough to do next week, without Trainer.

My stance isn’t getting corrected EVERY time now. Isn’t that SWEET!

Also, Trainer said my sitting position at the meditation was very good.
So, he thinks, I got it in me.
So, I have decided to think so, too. 8)

Another news: a few weeks ago I gathered all my courage and asked Sifu if I could join the reading sessions which take part after the meditation.
_{(Sifu has written a book [Krieg der Bergdämonen, available only in German] which is much about… well, I think it’s Zen Buddhism.)}

Again he wasn’t inclined to let me attend.
Those sessions have been going on for a while and have advanced a lot.
But I was in (carefully dignified but honest) begging mode again.
He asked me if I had read his book
“Yes, once.”
“What do you think of it?”
“I like it. It’s clear and without fluff and blah. I found several things in it which I could apply to every-day situations at once. Other parts, most parts, I don’t really understand though. That’s why I want to attend the reading sessions. To understand.”
“Oh well.
Join us for three or four times and then give me feedback.”

That, to me, was the perfect solution.

Because, yes, I feel like testing and giving feedback.

I call Sifu “Sifu”, because he is a Master of Kung fu. He truly is, his school is a special place indeed, as far as I can tell (and I am good at recognising such things) with a pure spirit.

Still, Sifu is not my spiritual Master.
I am not looking for a Master. He is more advanced than me in many ways, but that doesn’t mean I am going to crouch at his feet and wait for him to enlighten me.
I want to know what he has to say, and I compare this with my own knowledge and experience.
And learn, yes.

So, I have attended three reading sessions by now.
It turned out that they didn’t read anything any more, but talked about experience with practising silence, sense/feel the spinal column, do things with full attention and stuff.
Sifu, stern and quite aloof, did say good things. I found no reason to distrust him.

Heh, and last reading session he dismissed the whole group. He was (in my words) really pissed off, coz people don’t practice enough but only come to the sessions, apparently, he says, ‘waiting for the spiritual honey to drop into their mouths’.
He said “It is a pity, pupils used to kneel in front of the monastery for three days and nights, begging for admission. Those times, unfortunately, are over…”

He is starting a new reading cycle in September, which is very good for me.

On the other hand…
This time I wasn’t among those he criticized, I am much too new for him to be disappointed with me… X)
But I am not sure if I am stubborn enough to satisfy his expectations and demands re practising…

At the bottom of all this I am growing more and more grateful every day that I started Tai Chi, and that I found this school.
That it exists in the very city wherein I live.
Places like this are rare.
It feels like what I have yearned for since I first learned about martial arts.

I am grateful!

I found a book yesterday, the first book on Tai Chi that I was able to find, and lo! It is about the Zheng Manqing form (the one I am learning) and was affordable. Yöh.
It looks a bit stupid, the book, but it’s good for looking stuff up when I am practising at home.

I am still at the beginning of the second part of the form. But my stance is slowly getting better.

^{not me}

So exciting! X)

But I’m gonna write about it anyways.

Three or two weeks ago I asked Trainer if I could attend the meditation session which are held each Wednesday. They start at 9pm and are guided by Sifu.
Trainer said “Very likely; go and ask Sifu.”
I said “Oh well, it was just a thought. I’ll think about it some more.”
“Go ahead! Why hesitate?”
“There’s one things that bugs me: Tai Chi ends at 8, meditation starts at 9, what am I gonna do in the hour between?”
“Hm, I see”, said Trainer.

Colleague (who trains Kung fu at the school) said that I should practice my Tai Chi during that hour. There are two accessible training areas, and there’s always room for s/o training by themselves at the edges.
And yea, that’s what he’d do (and does), bless his heart.
But me, I’d feel stupid doing my Crane Embarrasses Itself next to the Kung fu cracks.
Specially if Colleague was among them. X)

Also, I didn’t see Sifu for a long while, so I couldn’t ask him.
Also I have never ever talked to Sifu before, so…
relax, Vetch, take your time. 8)

Last Wednesday, before the session, trainer wants to know if I have asked Sifu re meditation.
“No, I haven’t seen Sifu, and there’s still that hour to fill.”
“You will stay and train with the advanced pupils; keep in the back and do your form. And then, when Sifu comes for the meditation, you ask him.”
Okaaay… gulp
I was VERY excited. I was thrilled to be allowed to stay with the advanced.
It’s not a super special privilege, it happens often, some of them train with the beginners, beginners train with them; Trainer is helping if s/o has problems with joining their proper sessions.
But nevertheless I was thrilled.

Advanced training was hardcore. There’s this stance, when you raise your arms as if you were hugging a tree and stand still for minutes. Beginners do this sometimes, for, dunno, 2 minutes or so. Feels great, no prob.
The advanced pupils do it for about half an hour… or so it felt. I think it was 10 minutes. I only managed it coz I was very very VERY stubborn and determined not to show any weakness in front of the advanced pupils.
Then I kept in the back and did my part of the form, and this was the first time I really started to sweat during Tai Chi. The atmosphere was much… deeper than during the beginners’ training.

After the session Trainer rushed to the door, and he beckoned me to come, and there was Sifu.
I asked if I could join the meditation. He said
“Have you any experience?”
“I have meditated for myself, years ago.”
“No guidance?”
“I had books…” oh, this is not going well
“You have no experience with real meditation whatsoever?”
“I used to be a Buddhist” desperate…
A ghost of a smile and “Oh well then. Join us.”

Meditation was…
to be honest if felt like the tree-hugging experience. I still manage the semi lotus position, no prob, but I felt as if a current of electricity was running though me. Well, I was very excited, and also, again, determined not to show any weakness by correcting my position.
Oh well, this is going to be great for me.
I hope to be allowed to join the advanced training again, hopefully every Wednesday. I am not sure, but I very much hope I may do that.
Coz I will definitely join the meditation every Wednesday from now on.

Best moment of that day was seeing Colleague after the meditation, the atmosphere very quiet, very inspirited, very solemn, and him wearing his Alien Sex Fiend t-shirt.

Heh, I totally love ma Colleague. 8)

Today I have started to try and do the first part of the form in both directions; regular and inverted. I am not good at it, but my left leg wants it.

<|8)

^{Vetch needing a shave  X) cough  Zheng Manqing}

This week, Thursday, was AWFUL! Utterly, utterly awful. I learned that I even did some of the Qi Gong moves wrong, which we do as warm up.
Then, when we did the form, my stomach was making impossible yet extremely audible noises, which embarrassed me so much that I lost my balance at the second step. It’s a simple, totally unspectacular step to the left, and I lost my balance.
I felt like running out of the moo kwoon (which is Chinese for dojo, or so I read) never to come back.
Instead I went on with the form, and when I came to the end of the first part I realised I had forgotten what Trainer had shown me last time.

Oh, it was crushing, I was really frustrated. Trainer didn’t show me the forgotten moves again, instead I had to practice the ones I still knew. Which was well enough, coz my stance was as bad as usual.

But practice I did, with all my heart. Also Trainer explained something to me, which proved to be very helpful.

But—I had thought I was going to be good with Tai Chi. After last Thursday’s session I knew I’ll never do it properly.

Came next session, Wednesday, yesterday. I was there early and sat in the waiting area. A young man joins me, who has as much of the form as I have; we did train next to each other last week.
He asks me how long I’ve been doing Tai Chi.
“Since the end of March” says I, “then, at the end of April I dropped out for a bit, and since May I go twice a week.”
“March last year?”
“Erm… nah, this year.”
“You are so advanced! I started in November!”
Oh. Oh oh oh, that was SWEEEET!
I mean, my stance is still bad, and other pupils’ praise is feeding my poser ego but, I am sorry, in truth it is worthless.
Trainer (and later, when I am more advanced, Sifu) are the ones to tell me how I am doing.
Oh, but still, I felt like flying. 8)

Then, when the session starts, Trainer corrects my stance, as he always does, always, always, every time he looks at me.
And as always I try to keep the correct stance, to feel it, to reproduce it by myself.
We start with the form, we are told to stop and stand still, he goes around to look at us and correct us. He looks at me, says “good” and walks on.

YÖÖÖÖÖÖH

Okay, I know I’m gonna get corrected again and again; but there IS HOPE!
Oh happy happy Vetch!

We also were shown the last part of the first part again, and I do think I kinda got it now.

Happy Crane Jumps With Joy

edit
Ooops, I just realised that I lied to the young man. I took my first lesson Feb. 22th, so I have one whole month worth of training more than I thought.
Meh. X)
I will tell him; and also, he only goes once a week. No wonder I am advancing somewhat faster than he.

Trainer has shown me the last part of the first part of the form. 8)

Meaning: I got the first part of the form. YÖH!

BUT

my stance is AWFUL! Every time trainer has to correct me. And every time I then realise that the good stance is very straining. That’s why I (unconsciously) avoid it, I think.

Well, this is a very useful, healing lesson for my whole life. Keeping my balance, to walk in beauty doesn’t come by itself. It takes practice and effort.
And it will stay this way. It will always demand effort.
Trainer says our Chinese Grandmaster says “It must burn badly.”

I am sure that the effort will become less, or perhaps easier to bear, with more training. But I am far away from that.

So, I am really thrilled that I have completed a small part of the form. But I am also frustrated that my stance is so bad.

Well, I got a mirror and a living room with space. Practice. Stubborn.

P.S.
I have invented another stance:
Crane Embarrasses Itself

In my case “a phase” means an intense time when I am infatuated with something (sometimes s/o).

I notice I am beginning to get into a Tai Chi phase. GOOD!

I didn’t mention yet that I am not going once a week any more, but twice.
I have changed my contract with the beginning of May. And then I have missed some lessons due to me moving into my own flat.
And then I have skipped some more lessons due to emotional plague.

Trainer had told me several times that to make any progress I should at least attend 2 times a week. And of course Trainer is right.

Three times is what the school offers, and as soon as I am able to (am having a different date every Monday) I will go 3x.

Meanwhile, in this here lovely new and big flat I have left my living room very empty, and I have started to train at home every day.

Stubborn. May this phase last and become a part of me!

Even though it’s raining. And very windy. And I was going to take the bus. But no bus in sight and I was worried I’d be too late, so I went back and took my bike.
Well, I wanted to train my thighs, so there.

Stance got lotsa corrections every time teacher checked in on me, and I was worrying I might just never get it by myself.
Then, after going through the form as far as I know it, I stood on one leg, hugging my knee to my chest, stretching, and teacher said: there you are.

So, there is hope. 8)

I also invented a new move: Crane ties Shoelaces. I do it at least four times every day. 8)

We’re four now. It’s spreading!

I suspect it’s the healing influence of New Colleague. He has a gift of inspiring people. 8)

I also think I am gaining some weight again. I have to find balance; I can’t be too skinny, doesn’t look good at my age at ALL, but I am far from skinny as of now.
I also know that my body wants to regain her most, erm, expanded shape; so I need to be disci stubborn. But not ascetic.

Stubborn. And to walk in Beauty. 8)

argh

This week
for the first time
I realised that I need strength for the stances in Tai Chi.

Yea, well, for some reason I didn’t think that was the case…
It looks so easy and slow and effortless; and with all my knowledge about martial arts (and Tai Chi is one of them) I am amazed about my naïveté.

Well, Trainer is correcting my stance every time, and I am slowly slowly beginning to feel and realise what a good stance feels like. Perhaps, in a few months, I can get there without him correcting me.

Am now training my thigh muscles.

Teacher also said “You’re getting there”, so there is hope.

Stubborn. 8)

I’ve stopped with the gluten thing. I am still eating less than I used to, but as I don’t need to watch out I don’t see why I should spend so much money on special stuff.

No sugar goes very well. am having raisins, figs, honey, of course.

No meat goes very well, too. New Colleague who is vegetarian also helps a lot by being setting a good example. And as we’re now 3 vegetarians at the facility we get vegetarian food more often.

I have by now lost a few kilos. Dunno how much, but my trousers don’t really fit any more.

I am also drinking much more than I used to. Less coffee though. Instead green tea, herbal teas, and most of all stinging nettle tea.

No surprise: I feel better altogether, and several little ailments have vanished or gotten smaller.

So, onwards. Stubborn. 8)

^{this ⇡ is the 24-Beijing-Form, which is Zheng Manquing’s form boiled down.}

I skipped the lessons, I didn’t miss them. I was busy with my evil Hag.

Today I went, even though I didn’t want to. But I knew I had to go. Thought Trainer would a bit be annoyed, but he was nice and said to s/o new “For Tai Chi you need to be stubborn. You have to go even if you don’t want to.”
That’s something I’d have called “disciplined”. I think “stubborn” is a much nicer word.
Coz me, I know I am very bad with discipline, but I can do stubborn.

After the hour today I know why I am doing it (skipping the lessons made me forget).
And wow, I was bad. I need more practice.

Stubborn.

is what I am doing. At the facility I am making seedballs, sometimes clients join in, and quite a few have taken some of the finished seedballs with them.
One told me that the ones he’s thrown are sprouting.

I have thrown a few seedballs early last year, and I am very glad to spread this now. 8)

finally, finally!

The forecasts for Capricorns in 2012

- of my beloved We’moon calendar – well, I’m not so hot on it’s art, too kitschy for my taste. But sometimes fine, sometimes good texts and poetry, and most of all: I buy it every year (since 1994) for its excellent astrological data.
Which has nothing to do with Tai Chi, but I wanted to mention it. 8) -

well, the last sentence of that forecast says: “Sports or creative physical workout heal and strengthen your core.”

And, like so many other people, I have been thinking about doing some kind of workout for, dunno, 3 years now. When I moved to Munich I started to train TaeKwon Do again, but I soon stopped. I hate pain and I hate panting.
Yea, I’m a whimp re pain; as for the panting: unfortunately there’s a physical abnormality in my, erm, nose (I am lacking the voc), which results in me getting out of breath very very quickly.

I was planning to join one of those machine studios and just train my muscles. I have visited two to check them out. The people there, the vibes told me GET OUTTA HERE NOW. Not my world. At ALL.

But I still thought I just had to find the right studio.

Then, at work, a new colleague joined our team, and first thing I noticed in his application: he does Kung fu.
Oh. Oh oh oh!
Coz, for some reason in the last year my fascination with martial arts had changed from Japanese to Chinese.
That means: I have started to watch heaps of Chop Sockey movies. Hong Kong Kung fu films. Sweeeet!
And I really really thought about training Kung fu.
(I really did think about going to sea when I had my J. Conrad’s Typhoon phase. I am like that.)
Now, as I know too well from the movies, a big part of Kung fu is panting and pain.

I talked to Colleague about it, and he recommended Tai Chi.
And I thought, yea, that sounds like the thing for an elderly lassie like me.

That was in January. It still took me a long time to decide the school close to where I work is not to my liking, and the school where Colleague trains Kung fu looks awesome.
I decided to go there, I told everyone about it, and then, some weeks later, I FINALLY made it and took a trial lesson on Feb 22nd.

And since then I am training Tai Chi once a week. We’re doing Yang style, or so the website of the school tells me. I don’t know anything about it.
What I know: it is slow, it is very hard, coz there are so many things I have to concentrate on.
It is very frustrating and very very boring, coz I have been shown about 4 moves by now, and all I do is repeat those again and again
and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and-
you get the gist.

It is also the BEST, it is perfect, it is what I want and what I need.
After each lesson I feel energized. I know that sounds corny; specially coz I am still a bloody beginner and am far from doing it right.

by Walter Moers

Sequel to Die Stadt der Träumenden Bücher (The City of Dreaming Books), which is an AWESOME, wonderful magical book.

This one started very well, delightful, but soon I was wondering where it was going. And why there were pages and pages of blah. When I reached the end it got clear: this is a first part, a 2nd book is going to follow.
It is a first part coz Moers didn’t finish in time, but has a contract and was put under pressure by his publisher.
Looks as if he added a lot of blah to fill enough pages for 1st part to be published as a book.
He should have been left alone until he was done with telling his whole story.

For me the story is ruined.

A pity. I will not buy this one — s/o lent it to me, and after the first few pages I was excited and determined to go out and buy it asap. Not any more. I’m not sure if I’m interested in the 2nd part any more.

Curse on greed. Not Moers’, but his publishers’ who destroyed something that was going to become wonderful and magical.

by Umberto Eco.

Good read. Cruel and clear sighted.

And still, for me Eco’s best book will always be Foucault’s Pendulum.

“I can put the Great Tradition in one word,” he said calmly. “Privilege.”
_{R. A. Wilson, R. Shea: Illuminatus!}

From time to time I am looking at my goals and at the cheers I am getting for goals.

my older goals have more cheers, that’s normal.

Still, it has always irked me, right from the beginning, that certain goals get cheers all the time
eg.
“Things I am getting”

My old, now discarded
“Get a new camera” was a real burner. Everyone cheered it.

Not so cheery goals are the ones that really matter, eg. this one.

Probably takes some thought, whereas “Things I’m getting” is something everybody understands at once.

I also understand that folks, of course, will not cheer what goes against their own conviction.

Eg. me, I could never cheer any “pro life” goal; actually, I could never cheer any goal by any one who has a “pro life” message on their list.

And another thing:
it is time, HIGH TIME, to deal with things that matter. Eg. you “pro life” people: you do realize that all those poor tiny unborn will need a planet where they can grow up on?
Oh, and a community where they are loved and can learn healthy social behaviour?
And perhaps we could also start and care for the living, y’know, those that ARE on the planet already.

Just sayin.

There is a big German pagan board. Among pagan and magic boards in Germany it has been and still is (as far as I can tell) the best.

I have been a member since June 2009. I have met some good people there. Now, during the zenith of the recent FullMoonEclipseLesser-ConjunctionMercuryRetrograde session, a friend of mine has been banned, and I have left shortly after.

I still have my account, I just deleted my bookmark. If s/o wants to PM me I am ready for talk.
But that doesn’t happen.

The banning of my friend was a reaction to something else, to undercurrents that have been there since I know the board.
There are things that you Must Not Talk About.

Friend got banned, and no one mentioned it. No one. She just was gone, poof.
She was a very active member, and well liked by many others. When I left there was ONE, who openly asked why she got banned.
One, after me.

I did ask, after I noticed there’s no way of carefully talking about things in the board’s chat.

I did ask, after somewhere else at the board two people started to really get mean with each other, and it was clear that the reason for this fight was something underneath that no one talks about.

Do you know the chapter in Watership Down, the rabbits in the warren that get fed and finally caught and eaten by humans? They Do Not Talk about certain things. Eg. the wires that catch and suffocate some of them to death.

I did ask why my fried got banned, not because I wanted to defend her, but because I wanted to TALK about the currents and wires that trap people at that board now and then.

Means of communication.

I did ask, and after I had posted that question I sat in front of my computer and felt real fear.
Real fear.
Coz I had broken the tabu.
I thought I’d triggered a BOMB.

You know what happened?

Nothing.

They ignored the question and kept on talking about other things.

That was the point when I left. Coz this is sick. And scary.

I am not part of that kind of sickness.

<|8)

yesterday, Thursday:

No gluten: ✔
No sugar: ✔
No food after 7pm: ✘

I have decided to take the “after 7 pm” off the list. I’ll put it back when/if there’s a chance of me accomplishing it.
Instead I’ll add

No meat ✔

So, today, Wednesday:

No gluten: ✔
No sugar: ✔
No meat ✔

No gluten: ✔
No sugar: ✔

Cool!

Vetch?

Shush! Don’t talk to me.
I made a goal about not talking to myself!

Unless asked. And I am asking you now:
what about food after 7pm?

What about it? It was good.

Just checking.

argh

I mean, yea, I know, I’m late to pick this up…

And it’s not really a surprise. But I think my days here are numbered.