I truly have made progress on this. I believe I have at least. This weekend my roommate kind of got a bit snide with me, said some comment that really doesn’t matter. It did get under my skin, but I didn’t let this bother me. I was heading to bed anyway and had to be up early to go see my family. I left our apartment Saturday morning and went about my business. Sunday night I came home, and I really didn’t want to be around anyone so I just went into my room and left him alone.
This morning I get a text from him asking me if I am done pouting. Personally, I really wasn’t mad at him. He has this habit of always saying something to put me down and actually hurts my feelings more often than not. I used to go to my dad’s when ever he did this. I guess in that sense I was running away, but only to a place I felt more welcome. Then he sends this text saying that the only thing I am good at is running away just like my mother.
That was a bit of a low blow. I have gotten over what happened with my mother leaving and have come to terms. I also have gotten over the comment he made to me on Friday. In all honesty, I really was not upset. I wanted to spend Easter with my family. Now, things are rockier than ever here. He has this habit of just ruining things. I don’t even feel comfortable around him anymore. He used to be my best friend, now we are just two strangers living in the same space.
I don’t think I was running. I am pretty positive that I am facing my own demons. I just wish the one person I care about the most would actually notice this, instead of pushing me away.
It’s been awhile since I have been on here. Also, has been awhile since I have actually written anything. It has been quite disappointing really knowing that I have let myself down. However, tonight I am not dwelling on the past indiscretions and failures. Instead I have charged forward and have begun again. I have taken up my pen and have let myself go. I have made a promise to myself that I will not stop when I hit a wall because all obstacles were meant to be overcome. Sometimes we just need a bit of a reason or maybe even a little kick. Now – my break is over, I am back and I will not let myself down.
It’s time to revisit this goal. Starting tomorrow I will be going to my local coffee shop to begin the process of writing once again. I’m thinking a change of scenery may be very helpful for me.
I’m doing me and it feels so right. :D It’s hard to explain exactly how I am doing this, but at this particular moment in my life I know that what my heart wants is someone else. And I found him, it has been a long battle but the ups and downs have been well fought. It may not be set in stone at the moment but it feels great. My heart led me there, now I just need to make sure I keep it whole :)
Well, I had time to find the job of my dreams.. Didn’t work in my favor. Therefore, I have consolidated my large amount of debt into one monthly bill and begin paying on it next month. Ah.. the joys of a student after college.. Now, to make the loans disappear forever is a step closer :)
This is the hardest thing I will ever do.
Did it again.
I am trying so hard to make this cycle end.
I think this one will be accomplished very soon. My wake up time is now around 8am.. but I just got a new job where I will have to be to work by 430 am.. not an ideal way of becoming a morning person but I think it will most certainly help :)
I just want to thank cats5kids3 for my postcard from New Jersey!!! You have made me a very thankful and happy person :) Almost there!!! Also, I want to thank her for showing my postcrossing!! Now, my collection begins for the whole world!!!! :D
Well… I got the figure for what I owe last week…. How do I make 35.000 dollars go away really fast????
Not possible. But I am going to start chipping away.. Yay for a second job :)
I can’t even pretend to be happy about this…
Why did my father say a private college would be the best choice???
Today I woke up early, which is unusual because as of lately I have been sleeping in until I decide my bed is no longer the place I want to be. It is not very often however. Over the past couple of months I have lost interest in the person I am, I have no motivation, no goals. I am tired of being that girl. Today, I am starting over. I am going to set out and do everything I had planned to do once I graduated college. No more feeling sorry for myself or allowing myself to waste my days.
1. I am going to write every day, and not just say that I will. My life is going to be about doing, not standing idle.
2. I am going to take charge of my health and remember what it is like to eat right, exercise daily.
3. I am going to get in touch with old friends and begin making new friends.
4. I am going to do what I want. I will get my masters degree, I will find a better job and I will not back down.
5. I am going to remember that I am fearless.
By getting back in touch with my own reality, I hope to make myself the person I always wanted to be. Instead of living in my head, I am going to take charge once again and find my reason to wake up every morning and be.
“Don’t let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you.” Les Brown
This is my motto. I live in a time when dreams seem to be scolded and lives told how to live. I am tired of living in a place that tells you that you do not have a chance to make your dreams come true. I am done with the negative, today I begin to live for one person and that person is ME. I think it is time to start being selfish and start living.
Another moment with my Best Friend Rach. We spent hours watch youtube, and became obsessed with this video
Which in turn made me obsessed with the song. I love it. I love singing to it, and even more than that I love the best friend who understands everything this video means :)
This is embarrassing. However, when I was 17 my best friend and I stumbled across this band of 3 brothers and fell in love with their random, silly youtube videos. From there on out, we bought into the Jonas Brothers. We attended 3 concerts, bought all of their albums and were crazy fan girls. It was great. Yes, I do still listen to my random Jonas Brothers cd’s. And it will always bring a smile to my face! The year 3000 may not have been originally sung by them, and it may not be their best. But every time my best friend and I go on a road trip we put in the Jonas Brothers turn it to track 13 and jam out to the Year 3000. The Jonas Brothers will always remind me of one of the best friendships I have ever had.
Here we go. Reality check. I have had the same job for 3 years. And the entire time there has always been one person who consistently asks me out. I say no every time. Yes, it may seem juvenile and maybe I should finally give the guy a chance but the problem is I just do not like him. Therefore, saying no is the easiest thing in the world.
However, last night he attempted to get into my psyche. Now, this is a frightening adventure for anyone. I know I am messed up, and have plenty of issues that I am learning to deal with. But hey, I don’t like to be reminded of them especially when its a 19 year old who believes that the only reason I keep saying no is because I fear the idea of love.
Now, this is where he is right. According to everyone I know, I have no emotions. Or I have some, but the moment a guy tells me he likes me or attempts to get me to settle down, well I run faster than lightening. It’s not that I don’t have emotions, its just they are terrible. I hate feeling tied down. So, I am admitting it. I have an issue. I refuse to settle down and be in a relationship, I am simply not good at them.
Therein lies the problem. Am I just not good at them or do I refuse to be good at them to save myself?
I don’t know why I bother asking. I know the answer. I’m good at playing it safe, I’m good at being by myself. I’ll admit it gets tiring and every know and then I fancy myself finding a man. However, as of right now the only thing I want is a bowl of ice cream, a book and some music.
Oh, just forgotten photographs
To remind me of the past
Oh, but I can still see everything just fine
Who needs pictures with a memory like mine
This is the first song I had ever heard by Brad Paisley. My grandma played it for me, and when I was 9 or so it didn’t seem to be so important. But when my grandma passed away in 2001 this is the song I listened to over and over and over. I could hear her soft whisper as she sang. Now Brad Paisley is one of my favorite artists, for one reason alone. Every time I hear him sing, I can think of my grams humming along as she dusted her front room, swooning to his voice. Those are the memories I will always remember and the memories that make me smile.
This song is one of the saddest songs I have ever heard, the way its sung and the lyrics just break my heart. However, this is one of my all time favorite songs.
Tell her she is all that’s beautiful
Tell her everything’s my fault
Tell her this is not what I had planned
Tell I am moving on
Hmm… I think I am going to go jam out now :)
All is lost again
But I’m not giving in
I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away
This song always reminds me to never forget who I am. That I am stronger, smarter, and better than I believe. It reminds me to keep my head up no matter what comes at me. Because in the end, I will not lie aside. I will come up strong.
Someone told me I was beautiful today. And to be honest it put a smile on ky face, a skip in my step and led me through the day. Sometimes all you need is someone to remind you what your worth.
One of the best songs ever! I may only be 22 years old but The Vault is one of my all time favorite albums. I can picture myself now singing along with my father :)
Just listen. Pure beauty.
Honestly anything by this man is moving to me. And picking just one song is hard. But this is definitely my pick. For this reason:
I could try and point the finger but the glass points in my direction.
Honestly, she is one of the most talented young woman today. I believe her story is inspiring and I must admit that I most definitely look up to her. Her new album drops on September 20 and I am so excited. She has only gotten better in this past year. And this song, just beautiful, inspirational and she sings it with such power.
It is a much watch! Enjoy :)