Iwantobespecial

I will remember for a long time that afternoon and the insight I gained from my friend. Since then, I began to notice I wasn’t the only person who gave off that same signal.
We worked together, we were both single and went out socially to the same function. That evening we were going to a party at a friend’s house. I knew almost everyone there, and she joined me simply to meet guys. During the course of the evening I spent a good amount of time socializing with a group of friends, mainly men. While I was talking and joking, thinking I was being charming, polite and funny, she was observing me.
As we were driving home she said, “I want you to know what I saw tonight. The way you are, you have a really nice way with people…
but you do send a signal that says you will let them get only so close.”
Thinking she was joking, I looked and replied, “What are you talking about? As if it impossible for me to have any unknown defenses. She paused and smiled back as she repeated, “I’m telling you, you send off a signal that says no one is to get too close. Everyone picks up on it.” With that, she stopped talking and let me ponder her words. She wasn’t asking me, she was telling me. It wasn’t open for debate. I could tell she was serious, but I honestly didn’t know what she was talking about.
I was stunned and wanted to defend myself; but, because I trusted her, I considered her words. It hit me. Have I ever let anyone get close enough to hurt me. Yes, once.
I’d become the Tower with a moat around me.
Time to dismantle that which is conditioned.
False-to-fact.
It’s nice being safe, but it can also be lonely.

“The Grapes of My Body.”

The grapes of my body can only become wine
After the winemaker tramples me.
I surrender my spirit like grapes to his trampling
So my inmost heart can blaze and dance with joy.
Although the grapes go on weeping blood and sobbing
“I cannot bear any more anguish, any more cruelty”
The trampler stuffs cotton in His ears: “I am not working in ignorance
You can deny me if you want, you have every excuse,
But it is I who am the Master of this Work.
And when, through my Passion, you reach perfection,
You will never be done praising my name.”

-Rumi

If I become strong enough and capable enough to meet my own needs
I’ll never have to feel vulnerable
never have to face possible rejection
was this my secret motto
do I have “receptor sites” in my body for the experience of someone loving and actually anticipating my needs
make coffee for me?
although the heart longs for love it’s just as important for a heart to be free
warning
don’t get lost in only the freeness
it’s longing in love and a free heart, simultaneously.
It’s you
calling me
your heart
loving me
I allow myself to need you
and own it
It’s not easy
I want to
I want you
It’s as uncomfortable as trimming the shrubs because I love them
for as long as I can
even though they may soon not be mine…

52 and birthing myself.

thank you love
July 2 2009