JanesCalamity

It’s been more than 2 and a half years since my breast reduction. I still have absolutely no sensation, and I’m still disfigured, misshapen, lumpy, asymmetrical and WAY smaller than I ever wanted to be, and way smaller than the surgeon said I would be. The doctor who was going to do my reconstruction, including some skin grafts, has retired, and the other surgeon in the practice said that was kind of “old school” and that he wouldn’t do that technique. The best they could do for me was tattooing and putting in an implant to replace some of the lost volume. But they were quick to point out that that wouldn’t fall in the “reconstruction” category for the insurance, so I would have to pay out of pocket. And I’m poor.
I’ve been so depressed. I have to look at this horrible disfigurement every day of my life. The numbness is heartbreaking…so is knowing I’ll never be able to feel anything again the rest of my life. I can’t find shirts to fit…because if I buy them to fit my body, they hang and gap out in the chest because I have nothing left to fill them out. I told the surgeon MANY times, PLEASE do not make me disproportionately small. He said I’d be probably a C cup. I’m maybe a B on one side, and way less than an A on the side that had the most damage. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe I had healthy tissue before the surgery and now I’m left with scarred, lumpy crap that is way too small. Healthy tissue I can never get back.
The only boyfriend I’ve had in 10 years left me after this happened. And the other day I visited my massage therapist and even he said I looked better before the surgery. I couldn’t stop crying and had to leave.
Usually this surgery is a real boon to women’s self esteem. It has destroyed mine. And you don’t realize how much our society fixates on breasts until yours are ruined. I can’t even say that at least I survived cancer. I lost mine for no other reason than that I wanted some relief for shoulder and back pain.
I was already an unattractive woman…this just made things worse. I’ve had people tell me that unattractiveness isn’t as much of an issue the older you get. With this added disfigurement, I’ll be 80 before this doesn’t matter anymore. I guess I’d better get used to being alone.

I used to enjoy drawing so much. In high school I couldn’t keep from drawing. Or at least doodling. Now I just don’t do it. Even my doodles are boring. I wonder what happened? I mean, I used to see possible drawings or paintings all around me. Now things seem kind of flat and uninspiring. I love looking at other people’s artwork…but when I come to a blank piece of drawing paper myself, I totally freeze up. Hmm.
The only drawing I’ve done lately is a little sketch I did quickly with some grey marker brush pens. I didn’t take much time with it, and there are obvious errors because I couldn’t erase anything. But I kind of like the quick sketchiness of it, and, perhaps more importantly, it’s recognizable. At least to anybody who recognizes Judson Scott from about 25 years ago.

I have a digital camera, but I can’t get it to take clear pictures of anything close up. I can’t find anything in the instruction book that will help me. See the picture of the tiara? Blurry. Crap. Useless.
That’s why I had to use the other picture.
But, here’s proof that I make my own, anyway. I could add lots more, but they’d all be blurry, too.
Crap.