JP

I’m so so sorry to everyone. After I got back from tour (which went wonderfully by the way!!!!), I returned to my house to find that I had lost all internet access. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to sort it all out. Bought a new router & even changed my internet service provider, but to no help. It’s a mystery – complete mystery. PC working fine/router working fine…. it has to be the lines/server somewhere – but both companies now have claimed nothing is wrong.

So…. I just want to let you know that it might still be awhile until I can catch up with you all (it’s not that easy finding time at internet cafes to do everything I’d like), but so many of you are in my thoughts & wishes.

Please forgive…. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Heaps of hugs to everyone

much love
JP

I’m suddenly not going to be around too much over the rest of this month. And no, JP is not doing another disappearing act again. I’m actually going to be going on a small tour of bits of England with an Irish folk-band of sorts. Their original pianist has been dropped for some reason and the tour starts THIS SUNDAY !!!!! (I started rehearsing with them today)

I hope to use this opportunity to improve quite a number of my goals. Firstly it is a good job with good pay, it is also a good opportunity to get to know some new people. For the first two weeks we are not that far from London, so I might be able to get home some evenings (or early mornings!!) But for the two weeks after that, we will be basically touring in a van and staying in a rented cottage. There are seven of us altogether – so I really have to use this opportunity to be comfortable with them, and to chat with them, and to share with them. And yes, I am quite nervous about it all – not about the music, but the fact that I am suddenly jumping into territory I have not really been in before. I am going to be spending a month with the same people – I am going to be seeing them every day – I am going to have to talk to them every day. What a truly wonderful opportunity has been laid at my feet – this is such a chance for me to apply myself and build up courage and confidence for the future.

So I’m not sure how often I will be able to get to a computer over this month. I will miss you all, but I promise that I will be back as soon & as often as I can. I really believe that this opportunity has only come up because something within me is ready to embrace it – and I would not have been ready to embrace it if I had not been here and had not received all the support that I have here.

So I want to thank you all – I want to leave big hugs here for everyone. I’ll come back soon and let you know how it is all going.

All-encompassing HUGS for all my 43T friends!!!!!!!!
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(you can share these out too)

I confess… I almost did a disappearing act. If the truth is to be told, I have actually been getting quite down of late, and I feel that some of this might sound I’m ungrateful. Being on this site for the last month or so has been so wonderful. Truly wonderful. Because for the first time in my life I am sharing who I am, and telling people what I feel and I don’t feel so alone in the world anymore. But the more people that I am sharing with here online, the more it accentuates how lonely I feel here. I truly feel so lonely I’m getting more upset about it each day. I keep trying to tell myself that this is a good feeling that it means that I am not lying to myself and that I am open about my humanity and what I need in this life now. But I have been turning all this positive sharing into something quite negative. That’s why I tried to run away the other day. I wanted to feel where I might go emotionally if I severed ties with people here. I was also beginning to worry that I might have some dependency issues too.

Well… I’m back now because I think I do need the help here to boost my strength. It is ok to want that. It is ok to admit that I can’t do things on my own. I just have to find a way to stop this desperation that I am beginning to feel inside. This is not the right feeling to have in me if I am to find people in the flesh to be with. However much I long for someone to be close to, I don’t want to cling onto the first person that comes along. I’m really finding this hard. I really don’t want to feel like this – this is a new sadness, and it is beginning to eat away at me.

So… I promise that I will not run away from here again. One day, I might be able to stand up straight and walk away in confidence, but not run and hide like this. I will not do that again. I hope I have not sounded ungrateful for all the wonderful support that so many of you have given me. I just wanted to come clean and tell you that I am struggling here. Things are going very well in terms of work, and in terms of my speech , and in terms of how I am, how I share, how I’ve opened up – but I’ve never felt as lonely as I do now – of course I’ve always been lonely – but I’ve never felt it like this. This hollowness. I wish there was an easy way out of this feeling. I fear there is not one. This hurdle is a mighty big one & it’s going to take more courage than I think I have within me at the moment. I’m using all my strength just to stop myself from going down that emotional spiral. I’m trying so hard to just focus on work, and looking after myself, and creating stuff – but I’m feeling my emptiness all the time.