JedHakuro

I want to stop hiding my emotions and allow people to see me for who I really am. It sucks, but I’ve been doing it for so long that even in the most strenuous and emotionally breaking of situations I can still sit there and smile. Even though my heart is being torn up on the inside.

There was a girl whom I cared about since we were in grammar school and I had feelings for her for a while. I always talked to her late at night, did homework with her, and held her hand whenever I could. I actually thought we could get together and make it “official.”

There was even a moment where we danced to “All My Life” by K-Ci & Jojo where everyone said we were meant for each other. And I still have the picture with me today.

Yet, one day a guy whom she barely knew came into her life and asked her out. She talked to me about it and even though I really told her that I didn’t want her to go out with him and I really wanted her to be with me, she decided to go with this guy.

I was heartbroken and devastated. She was my best friend and I refused to let this come between us. Even if she wasn’t with me, I’ll do my best to make her happy and be there when she needs me. So whenever she fought with him or argued and cried over him, I listened. I held her when she couldn’t stop crying, I made her laugh when she refused to smile, and I held her close so she knew that someone would always be there for her.

Then one day, after her friends and family argue with her over how much of an “asshole” he was, she came to me and asked me for some advice. She told me how much it hurts that he cheats on her and how hard it is to talk to her family. I told her she should leave him also, and she got mad at me and yelled at me. I was hurt and yelled back. And we both walked away without another word.

She eventually broke up with the guy after he had sex with her and dumped her for a younger girl, and when she tried to fix our relationship, I couldn’t even talk to her face to face. In my heart, I was yearning for a girl like her to be with me, but I refused because she knew how much I cared and yet pushed me away. I was angry.

We eventually argued and attacked each other and talked about one another. Then a year passed, then two, then three, and I was about to graduate from high school when one of her friends told me about her and how she felt about me. I have been through many different relationships since then and I got over her about two years ago.

Yet her friend told me that I should know that back in 8th grade when she was making her decision. She really wanted to be with me, but didn’t know why she couldn’t choose me. I told her friend that it was okay that she didn’t choose me because I already knew what type of person she was the second she chose him over me.

And even though we’ve been through a lot, I’m honestly happy that she isn’t in my life anymore, even though after all this time I still have a hard time with relationships because I can’t trust anyone anymore with my heart.

The last thing I remember saying to her was “Goodbye Joy. Good luck with whatever.” And even though I try not to regret it, I wish I could of said “I loved you” instead.