JessicaS

I really did feel upset about a call I got this morning from someone I haven’t spoken to in 7 years.

Honestly, I think I have some very negative feelings about the late
teens- early 20s time in my life. There were a lot of really empty
times. With boyfriends and female friends alike, I put so much of
myself into being there for people who were severely depressed,
suicidal, had substance abuse problems, issues with physical/sexual
abuse, etc. Practically everyone I knew at that time fit the bill. I neglected myself in favor of people who could never appreciate me or reciprocate.

(Not to say that I’m angry with them in particular. I’m really not.
None of them were “bad people.”) I guess I’ve just changed so much
for the better that I resent being dragged back into that place and
the person I was at that time. This is the second contact I’ve gotten from someone in the past couple days saying their life was miserable and how I was so wonderful and how they messed up and on and on. I’ve moved on from that chapter and I’d like the respect of being left alone. I’m not sure why I’m being contacted, though I suppose it’s probably not for my sake. I’ve grown up a lot and I’m not hanging around to pick up the pieces for people who don’t care about their own lives.

I think I had a real fascination with people who were very troubled,
partly because in some way I felt I could relate to feeling pain.
(Maybe in some ways I still do have that fascination—-though now from far away). More than I realized then, almost the entirety of friends that I made between the ages of 18-23 were in an awful place. I hung out with a lot of people who felt that no one was there for them, and that they had nothing. I thought that I could do my part by being everyone’s lifeline. I feel a little foolish and more than a little used. There were a lot of periods of darkness and depression for me at that time too and I’m sorry I never believed then that I could live the kind of life I am living now (though clearly everything is still a work in progress).

All this is to say that you have nothing to worry about. There are no positive feelings, no feelings of longing for men in my past. Other than G (who was not a part of this), I will not welcome any contact with exes (or former friends from this time). They have no right or claim to me now.

Technically I completed this program a few months ago. While it certainly helped me physically, I think it made an even greater impact on my mental state. It was the thing that really kept me going during one of the most difficult times in my life.

Unfortunately, since moving and not having access to an indoor track, I’ve totally given up on my running. Still, I give myself credit for the accomplishment. I can’t believe I was able to run three miles, almost effortlessly.

This has been the hardest, easiest year of my life;)