JonGQ

i have been speaking to a friend of mine tonight, who is experiencing similar thoughts and emotions that i and many others, over the years have and spent alot of time contemplating. its the transference of love from one to the other. from child birth through to adolescence, there is, for men, a unique bond for there mother as the sole care giver and provider of unconditional ‘love’. as we leave this maternal bond there is a feeling of emptiness which quickly turns into the pursuit of affection towards the opposite sex. my mate and i were trying to figure out if the ongoing feelings that we felt for past lovers stemmed from the longing for the lost affection or for the person that we had fallen in love with.

if so, are we looking for things that we want to see in others and overlooking the rest, to fill the void?

is our minds inventing feelings to fool us into believing that there is ‘one true love’?

does love even exist?

are we doomed to keep repeating the same cycle, love to love, until we settle for the mother of our children?

is this the reason people cheat? a chance to find the ‘one’?

is it possible to love more than one person at a time?

the concept of ownership (‘my girlfriend’) seems to play on peoples mind. sex seems to nowadays, be the only thing to define ones relationship, in that the ‘just friends’ mentality has that we can do everything that couples do (laugh, flirt, hang out, etc) and not ‘be’ together.

is sex the only thing that keeps us exclusive?

if not then can a platonic relationship/connection be classed as cheating?

is there such thing as ‘platonic love’?

or for love to exist does there need to be sex/ physicality?

Using the common definition of love, does love need to exist for there to be sex?

is this where ones sexuality stems from… an intense mental/emotional connection, and the desire to express these feelings sexually?

one would think that the correct formula for love is mental+emotional+physical=love. a trinity of the three. for example… if one is not physically attracted to there mate, or they dont connect emotionally then love is a difficult to perceive.

then how can one still be in love, after the physical intimacy has ceased (‘the break up’)?

is the feeling of love just a set of emotional memories?

is wanting to ‘get back’ an ex-lover, the desire to re-live old emotional memories?

in order to fall in love again, given that a benchmark has been set, does the new relationship need stronger, more powerful set of emotions?

thoughts to ponder…

Right at the point that i thought i was on the top of things, i head down the same emotional spiral… when she and i broke up we both were quite hurt (understandably) and we went our separate ways. this happened about 9 months ago, and since then, however regrettably i have kept my distance to allow each of us to move on. my feelings for her have always remained the same, but i tried to move on and get on with life. i have not discussed this with anyone for a few reasons, one being that i hate the feeling that other people might think that im week, immature, or stupid. i know im not these things and its something i have to overcome myself, but im getting there. the other reason that ive kept quiet about it is the fact that (this may sound a little righteous) i feel as if im wiser than the majority of the people i know, and when i talk about stuff that is anything more than the day to day, i get blank looks. i help people get through things just by being there for them and talking, they feel comfortable with me and ask advice which im happy to do as i enjoy being needed and helping people.

During the months after us breaking up we engaged in a silly game of trying to hurt one another and a lot of nasty things were said. i acted out of character.

now here is my problem, it had been 4 months since we had seen each other, and both of us had other relationships during this time, so i thought i was over it. i had got on with life. two weeks ago i bumped into and we caught up. something happened to me that has messed with my head… it sounds silly but my heart started racing at a mile a minute i got a hot flush and was shaking even after we parted. ive never had anyone have that affect on me, it was quite surreal (but enjoyable as well).
over the years, i have been on a soul searching quest of sorts, trying to find out what i believe in, how the world works, how people and the mind works. i dived into books, internet, documentaries, tv shows, talked to people and had some quite intelligent conversations with them about psychology, philosophy, biology, human behavior and body language. i study NLP and communication techniques to better deal with people. all for personal interest. i am now no closer to the answers than i was at the start.

some of the things that i thought i had answers to are coming unstuck, i took on the belief that love was natures way of pair bonding. chemical, physical and emotional reactions to create the environment for the survival of the species. somewhere beneath all the logical explanations ive created for myself, im getting a strong feeling that its not as simple as evolution. see pair bonding is great to a point, it explains the feeling i got, but not why it has only ever been her to make me that way. why not other women ive had relationships with, or even ones i haven’t. i dont even miss my own mother as much as i miss her now. its not making me depressed though, i dont feel lonely or lost. i dont know what im feeling… more empty than anything else, none of my friends would even come close to understanding the things i know about the world so trying to gain insight from people close to me is a lost cause.

its funny the only person who i could talk to like this was her.

its not even a case of “not knowing what you’ve got till its gone” ‘cos i knew what i had.

i dont know even what i want, i dont know if i want to get back with her, or be friends, or to stay away. i dont know if she hates me, still has feelings for me, or doesnt care at all. does she get that feeling when she sees me or does she see me the same as all the girls ive been with and not cared about.

i understand that attraction is not a choice, neither party can consciously control the feelings they have with logic, so trying to convince her to forget everything that had happened and start again would feel useless. the ‘social friendship’ level is awkward because we knew so much about each other. i saw her again on friday night and it was like we had so much to say to each other but couldn’t because we were not alone.

i dont know what to do, i want to see her but i dont want her to think im trying to get back with her, i want to talk but dont know what about, i want to meet her but dont know what for, i want to tell her how i feel but dont know how to word it. im too nervous to call and find it lame to sms, im more of a face to face communicator because i like to intuitively read body language and make people smile.

this is whats in my head, i dont know if you can help but if there was anyone who can it would be you.