JudithKD

to that part of Boston.

Also, I have a commitment from a friend to buy the paperback mysteries I have on consignment, about 20 books.

Yah!
jkd

and I ended up telling her about this goal and 43t.

-This is what I wrote as a first draft.- My problem with this is that it will blow whatever anonymity I have here, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. This WAS my first draft, but then it got tweaked and tweaked and added to and… in the way that writing happens. NOW it’s the current version of the piece!

I feel “safe” here,as much as I ever have. And to give that away potentially is not an idea I cherish.

Anyway, what I wrote is below. jkd

Allow myself:
-to take my wants and needs seriously.
-to be disciplined about my wants, without fear.
-to create the environment I want in my home, because I deserve it.
-to believe that others can truly like me as I am.
-to fulfill the potential I have.
-to get rid of the guilt, shame, and fear that keep me from
doing the other items on this list.

In 2004, I closed my brick and mortar bookshop and wanted to finish my novel. I asked the counselor who diagnosed my PTSD* if she’d be a life coach for me, and she said that she thought I had to deal with the PTSD, as that was what she thought kept getting in the way of my writing.

I lost most of my social contacts when I closed the store. I love my husband dearly, but I was used to seeing and talking with many people in a given day. Being alone with him at home while we both worked on computers was rather isolated.

In 2005, I found 43things.com by accident. 43t (as it is called) is a social networking site where you list goals and then comment on your goals and others’ and cheer each other on. My list currently has 42 things on it and I’ve marked 555 items as complete.

My manifesto (above) is the first item on my list…”Allow Myself.” I’ve written 28 entries on this goal, the basic goal has been cheered by 57 people (you can’t cheer more than once for a given entry). But the 28 entries I’ve written have generated 107 cheers and 97 comments since I first posted it, almost exactly two years ago.

Having others involved in my day-to-day life is rare for me, that’s not something we do in my family nor my husband’s, and something I’d always wanted. The 43t community have given me the support I needed to tackle the PTSD, abuse issues, and other struggles.

I am pretty sure that this type of emotional support is not what the creators of 43t envisioned when they started the site. But at least for me, it has been a unique support mechanism.

I’ve drastically changed my life in the past 5 years, in no small part because of the website and the people there. My PTSD flashback, which haunted me most of my life, is now simply something that’s part of me. I usually recognize it as it appears, but fear of it and triggering it no longer determine my behavior, as it has for most of my life.

Dealing with PTSD and/or any other long-term emotional change or altering habits is hard. It’s difficult, soul-searching work, requiring fortitude, guidance, and support. Between my husband, counselor, and the 43t community I found the tools I needed to help me to make the required changes. It wasn’t easy, but it very worthwhile!

I’m still working on my “manifesto” and may be for the rest of my life. I reread it occasionally to remind myself where I’m headed. Using a list of goals to better your life is what 43t is all about, and I have profited greatly from my time there and the 43t community.

*Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

finally…

There is a part of me that is really glad that I learned (long ago) how to do this stuff.

Once I got it, that I have to do this the same way I changed from thinking in pictures to words in the mental hospital and dealt with the PTSD flashback, and that it was like me talking to people, then OK.

In some ways it is HUGELY satisfying to work HARD and clean up the mess.

It’s really frustrating when I stop and can’t get started again for a while. But that poor wounded kid needs time to be sure it’s safe, and she freaks out so easily when things change, so I need to give her the time and grace she needs to adjust. It’s okay.

Now I’m doing something I know how to do. That doesn’t make it easy or less stressful, but I know how to do this. There’s an internal switch I set somehow. All the bad stuff, the terror of change gets put aside. Not abandoned, not fought against, just moved over so I can do things. There’s a lot of internal checking that goes on, much of it in my sleep. I half waken many nights with an internal dialog going on, much like the one I remember having as a kid about how to protect myself (I was 3, 5?). I don’t remember much about what is discussed, but I know I’ll half waken several times some nights when this is going on.

It isn’t an argument with heat, but it is a long and involved discussion.

I did some variant of this when I quit smoking and when I could feel my period coming and PMS. If I could catch it right, I could stop the reaction, mostly.

I do NOT know what I do, nor is it terribly important. The important thing is that I’m doing it. It won’t be a straight line, but it WILL get done, or at least that’s what’s always happened in the past….

Yeah!
jkd