I'm doing 1 thing
This disease has taken so much for me. I want to be strong, but I’m not. I want to recover fully, but I feel that I’ll always be plauged with this. Anorexia has robbed me of my dreams, my aspirations. It has seperated me from my family, my friends, and the happy girl that I once was. I want so badly to let go of this disease, but it seems to continue holding on… I’m better now in many ways compared to my past, however, there’s so much more that I need to improve on. I don’t know where I stand, or how much longer I can remain in this phase of life. It’s stagnant, living’s managable. But I just feel like life could be so much more…
I was always a competitive child. If someone had a larger shoe size than me, I would grow angry even. I had to be the best at everything, in my own little mind. However, one cannot stand ontop constantly. There’s always someone faster, stronger, or something more than you. I learned this lesson the hard way- by living in denial.
At age 11, I took the word failure to a new level. Everything that I did seemed to be classified under this category. I could never be good enough for my expectations, my standards. I wasn’t the best athlete, like I once though I was. I wasn’t the smartest, like I had once felt. I wasn’t the prettiest, and no boys in my class liked me. I was an outcast. I was miserable.
I began to focus upon my body for comfort. Thin, that was it, it was something that I could have, something that no one could take from me. Thankfully at that young age, I had no concept of calories and/or nutrition, so no damage was done physically. Although, I mentally harmed myself to the extreme.
Stats were always in my mind. My cousin weighed 60 lbs., my best friend was 63. Even though I was taller than both
