JustBeYourself

Helpless, without even a clue,
Angry at losing my youth,
Terrified about what to do.

The child cries,
I cry for the child,
As part of me slowly dies.

Hope and courage is lost,
In its place comes pain,
As my heart starts to frost.

Now the child is with me,
And with me she shall stay,
This must have been meant to be.

Slowly my heart warms,
Slowly the frost melts,
With this precious child in my arms.

Still helpless, without a clue,
Only sad about losing my youth,
Still terrified about what to do.

Only now I have reason to be here,
Only now I have reason to love,
The reason is this child I hold so dear.

I wrote this about a week after my sister and brother-in-law died.

To be a good mom. I know I have to be for my niece but I don’t know the first thing about being a parent. My niece just wants her mom but I’m all she has now and that breaks my heart. I’ve got a full-time job and I go to night classes at the local community collage, when I’m gone she is either with my older brother or she is with one of my really good friends.I wish I could spend more time with her but unless I drop out of collage I don’t see how thats possible.

When she starts crying I just feel so helpless, when she did this earlier I would just give her to her mom or dad and they would make her stop somehow but now their gone. I just don’t know what she wants or how to be the mother she deserves.

I asked one of my friends who has a son and she told me that after awhile you just know what to do but, as much as I’d like to believe that, I’ve had her for a little over a month now and I’m still clueless on what to do. I made her her own room, new and old furniture, painted the walls pink(thats her favorite color), got her a nice little bed, and put some pictures of her parents in her room, but she doesn’t sleep in there instead she sleeps in my bed with me. I don’t know why but her being there beside me asleep terrifies me, I guess it just makes me realize even more that I’ll never see my sister(her mom) or Ryan(her dad) again. I hate when she picks up one of their pictures and says I want mommy or daddy, mainly because I want them too. I’m getting off track again and I’m sorry, just having myself a pity party.

The reason for me writing this is to hopefully gain some advice from other mothers out there on how to be a better mom because without ever giving birth, thats what I’ve become-a mom. I love my niece but I don’t know how to do it, but I’m the only one who can. So please mothers, tell me what to do?

Since I got my niece I realized just how bad smoking in my house was so I’ve stopped smoking in it and I even cleaned the entire place so now it doesn’t smell like an ashtray anymore. It’s so much better for my niece now. I’ve also cut back greatly on my smoking! I may be dying for a cigarette but I’m still so proud of myself, I may be the only one but I don’t really care. Plus playing my music will get easier now (I hope).