Kanard on 43 Things

...and they went back, and I didn’t finish clearing up the boxes.
I will keep the goal up for their next visit :)
I want to get rid of all the moving boxes still.

May 20, 09:34AM PDT | 1 cheer | 0 comments

Record life's happenings, ideas or share thoughts every now and then. (read all 52 entries…)

Childbirth pain. 1 month ago

Funny how the conversation came about, I don’t know why but when I accompanied my constipated child to the bathroom, from under the stall she asked, does it hurt a lot when you have a baby?
I said well yes it does but you forget soon after and it is so worthy.
So worthy? what does that mean?
Well it is like when you work hard to buy something you want, you save all your money, and buy that game you have been wanting, if when you play it it happens to be a boring or too complicated game, and you don’t play it ever again, your work was not worth the effort, but if it is a wonderful game that you play over and over it was worthy.
When you have a baby you is like a reward for the pain, and if the baby grows up to be a good kid it is even more worth it. My kids were so worth the pain you know?
She said I got it, thanks!
Then when we went outside she saw some kids trowing rocks at the ducks, and she told me: mean kids! We should go tell their moms, and we should tell them that their pain was not worthy.
Oh man, there was a explanation after that, like sometimes good kids do bad things kind of thing… but she made me laugh so much with that.

May 17, 10:43PM PDT | 4 cheers | 0 comments

See my family happy and stress-free. (read all 6 entries…)

Free my home of codependency. 1 month ago

This might be a difficult task, though neither my husband or I are addicts, we come from a history of codependent family behaviors.

While my husband’s family dysfunction was easy for anyone to spot (abandoned by dad, raised by stressed abusive mom, alcoholism, step fathers etc), my family was a look awesome on the surface (married parents, brothers, sisters, dog, cat. etc) and the shady diluted codependency was behind walls, with the roles of codependency being played (family hero, scapegoat, enabler, adjuster, mascot…almost in that order too some double ups and mixed roles). I believe my parents did the best they knew how, but it is now our job to step further from the codependent root.

My husband did great considering what he was put trough, he is a responsible father who has come a long ways from when he first begun being one. I hope I have made progress as well, though I struggle every day to make the right parenting choices, and to feel sure about them as well.

It sucks to admit we didn’t started right, we started being strict make society happy kind of parents putting a whole of stress in our children to conform, and we are now evolving to a more natural approach.
It is costing us to peel the parenting style skin in which we were brought up, and to let go of expectations, and to stop trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations as well.

We already caused some damage with our previous choices, and we now have to repair it, and shelter our kids from further damage.

Because my previous family is still dysfunctional we have maintained a healthy distance, which is perceived perhaps as uncaring by us in their part and made us a target for their unfavorable gossip, and silent accuses from those who love to play victim, therefore the distance makes even more sense now, since the contact we have serves only the purpose for them to corroborate the information they got from gossip and get more material for their bonfire.
It is sad that the conditional scale applies to grandchildren as it did to children, that attention and love have to be bought, and expectations met; and because we don’t play the game our kids appear to miss out on something, however I rather them learn to make healthy relationships even if they are with people who are not blood relatives, than make them be subjected to conditions and emotional blackmail.

As far as relatives we will continue the way it is, holidays, birthdays and similar occasions will bring us together, they will continue to compete to their “best at this or that” and try to trip each other and me even when I dropped out of the race a long time ago.
So all we can do is to continue to love them from a healthy distance, and keep making approaches every now and then to see if their waters are a bit less judgmental and a little more welcoming.

There are some healthy signs arising from my kids since we veered our parenting, they like themselves, they go for their choices and know we will love them no matter what. They are are themselves and not someone we tell them to be, they follow us out of conviction more often, not blind obedience. They are not our made up puppets, their life is theirs to live.

There are some tune ups we have to do, and challenges will come all along the way, but at least we are not in a state of denial anymore and we have taken the steps to guide our family towards a better direction away from codependency.
No matter what, I know I won’t be a perfect parent at the end of the day, but I will do my best, just like our parents and their parents did, but with a different approach.

May 17, 10:43PM PDT | 2 cheers | 0 comments

Home:	Texas, United States
Member since:	Apr 30, 2006
Birthday:	February 12

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