compared to how i used to feel about myself, once i left behind literaly after moving all the negative people, vibes, scenes, i spent more time with myself just doing what i enjoy and literally my own thing, i have become more independent which i love not needing to rely on anyone else’s opinion other than my own on what looks good, i mean i’ll still have moments where i’ll ask for reasure ment but nothing like it used to be. i ahve become more confident and its great. i don’t need anything to bring me down, i hope this feeling never goes away. i want this stability and confidence to eternally stay. i’m still humble of course, but also a bit more talkative to just say my thoughts outloud again, yet still remain mysterious enough to keep them ineterested ;)
i hadn’t realized when i stopped but recently i noticed i had, and i’ve been much happier with my self and more confident which i never really felt before. i mean i still have my shy momemts and what not, but i haven’t felt like that in a long time, which is great. because i’ve done it all on my own. i just had to let myself accept the compliments and realize that i have qualities other people admire.
i absolutely fucking loved sf, so much i already wanted to go back as soon as i left. i took tons of cool pictures and i just loved the atmosphere of the bay, i actually just got back beginning of october! :)
i havent been on this in a long time but i stumbled across a post i had made reading past posts onmy blogspot, and i was just saying to myself, i feel i have truly embraced myself. i feel like i just needed to get away from everything else i used to care about to truly find myself again and embrace who i am. it’s been and enlightening feeling to rediscover myself, and feel comfortable. i suppose all needed was time to myself? or just time in general. it feels great. i realized i’ve stopped comparing myself as much as i used to to other people and girls and just admired the qqualities i like of others instead of putting myself in an emotion of sadness and un satisfaction for not being like them. i’ve been much more content and i feel like people have noticed this about me, and compliment or point out that i am different than others but in a positive way which i really love to hear. :)
but theres only so much i can do, being just one person and give so much attention. if i could hear that i truly helped someone out, like saved their life or helped them become a better person something or that sort idk, not change but help even just by listening even if i dont completely understand. there’s a lot of people who need help.
i realized this once, after reading book my teacher recommended to me last year (which was possibly one of the best things i could have read at that moment because it related with so many things going on in my life at the time..it was a book by carlos castaneda and the teachings of don juan. the book was filled with many great philosophies i really liked, i remember wrote in a lot of them down). however, i feel it’s alot easier to realize this than to actually follow through with it, especially when you like someone and they just make you nervous.
i originally did not want to move out here, but my parents had better opportunities after the recession hit..
i was very against it at first and moved back within two months of being in las vegas and trying it out. i even enrolled in school but i wasn’t getting my proper credits and it was a huge mess.
it was my senior year and i was bummed thinking i was going to miss out on all the events; prom grad night and walking on graduation with my friends, so i moved out back to california and lived with my aunts, it was horrible! my mom had to come out and live with me until i graduated because things were difficult living at my aunts house, i hated most of my living situation at the time, having all my things in storage, and not having my own room, or being able to have friends over, due to my aunts living conditions.
the only things i had to look forward to were weekends with my friends, i had some of the best times of my life..but then after graduation, reality started to hit me and i knew i needed to get my things together or else i’d get stuck.
ironically sin city, known for being notorious and wild, ended up being where i got my shit together.
i now have a job i love, and attend the art institute of las vegas.
i still have obstacles and miss familiarities but i try to remind myself why i am here, and how my life has improved…usually bittersweet. i’ve definitely grown up a lot since moving out here, and gotten many new experiences i wouldn’t of had if i would of moved.
when i first moved out here i wrote on my about me, “living in sin is the new thing, new year, new life, new experiences” and it has definitely been just that.
my mom used to work with people who were deaf and used sign language, as a little girl i remember glancing at the sing language books just out of curiosity and found it interesting.
i recall being on the bus once and this lady recognized a deaf person and immediately started a conversation with him after that moment i remember being so curious as to what they were saying because the lady was laughing so i wanted to learn sign language because i found it so impressive and want to be just as impressive myself.
sounds scary, and exciting at the same time.
i can’t say i’ve ever really been in love with anyone
...yet
i’ve always wanted to travel around europe, and see all the places i learned about in school. i want to see where all the history had taken place in my textbooks and possibly be a part of it and make some history of my own(;
i specifically would looove to travel to england.
after moving, although i’ve struggled i think i’ve gotten better at this.
i know since moving i’ve become more independent and less worried about what strangers think, because i notice myself thinking ‘i don’t care i’ll never see these people again’ i used to think this but i’d have the comfort of friends with me, this time i really had no one by my side when i moved. which at first i struggled;
like when i would shop, i would feel blah, and wouldn’t really buy any of the clothes even though i thought they were cute, its like i needed that other voice to tell me ‘this looks good’,
but now i realize ive become more used to being on my own than depending on a friend or companion to be with me at all times, because i’ve grown to start liking my alone time and shopping by myself because i can take my time or go to whatever store i want and spend as much time trying stuff on:)
i still have other things i need to adapt to but im getting better at it.
we all have insecurities, if i had so and so’s body or whatever i’d probably still find some other flaw.
i dont want to keep noticing things i’d want in other people but notice the things i like about and in myself.
i feel like this is a way to truly be confident, once i am comfortable. i read a post by someone who made me rethink my physical confidence, that said
“Your body won’t stay beautiful forever, sometimes you have to let go of your looks and be yourself.”
which i found motivational because it’s true no one will ever be young and beautiful forever. after your looks fade what else will you have left if you have no personality?
i want to lose thirty pounds. i want to see myself actually accomplish something and see results right in front of me.
i want to make all those people feel like they fucked up taking me for granted!
i know i need to get my license.
i want to wasting my parents gas and money. which is why i’ve even stopped wanting to go out as much, aside the fact i don’t feel it’s worth having them drive me to and from places to hangout with people i hardly know out here.
i also want to be able to get out of situations (parties) without having to rely on friends to be ready to leave.
dont appreciate something until it’s gone.
it’s bittersweet knowing i’m not stuck in pasadena and have somewhat moved on, yet still miss my old familiarities.
i feel like although i know i have good things in my life, i take them for granted when i get stressed out by all my priorities. i’ll think about how i’d rather be back home but i also know the truth is if i were back in california i wouldn’t be anywhere near where i am in life right now, with both school and work, and living circumstances. i know i’d be more distracted and fucking up if i were still there, and still unhappy about not having my own house and living at my aunts house.
i know i’m doing better for myself here, but feel like i still take other things, generally other’s for granted and i wish i wouldn’t and could show them how much i really do love and need them in my life.
