Kikula

I have an several email addresses, but the only thing I really use them for is to sign up for things. What’s the deal? I should be using it to email people, thats why I signed up for one.

• I will try to no longer be afraid to approach that guy that I have a crush on because I’m afraid I’ll give him the wrong impression or that he won’t like me.
• I will try to no longer be afraid to try something new.
• I will try to no longer be afraid to say ‘no’ to someone especially if I don’t want to do what they ask of me.

Living inside your head can come in handy. For example, on elongated trips, before you go to sleep, at 3 am, and etcetera. But, recently it’s becoming an obstacle in my daily life.

• Ever since I was a little kid I’ve been living an imaginary life inside my head. I’ve had scenarios that have lasted for weeks, months, and even years. Like, cogentdiversion said if I wrote this stuff down I’d have epic novels coming out the wazoo. I’ve made up romances, trips, vacations, events, occasions, and all these other things all inside my head. It was like my secret life. Lately though I find someone who catches my eye, whether it be a musician or someone in real life. And, no matter if I know them or not I always daydream and give them a personality that would fit them to my needs and to what I already know about them. And, I ALWAYS become emotionally and affectionately attached to this person. I’ll always have some daydream about how they and I will fall in love together in the future. Each scenario is different, very realistic, and could possibly be true, but isn’t. These daydreams always affect my life because I’ll usually mix their daydream feelings and their normal feelings together and miscommunicate what they really mean. Also, I’m beginning to feel that these daydreams are holding me back in a way. I’ll be afraid to approach someone I don’t know because, I believe, subconsciously, I fear that they will not portray what they are like in my ‘dreams’ and that they won’t like me even though I become emotionally and affectionately attached. It’s tough, but I hope I can do this.

• In the past several months, I’ve been choosing to live my ‘secret life’ instead of focusing on my schoolwork and although it’s the end of school and there hasn’t been much work I’m afraid it’ll start to affect next semester’s work.

• In my head I always say things to people that I want to say but never can. For example, recently my friend, who is trying to be a good friend but really isn’t, has been telling me this dress that I’ve got is out of style and ugly. In my head I tell her “You’re no fashionista, how would you know?”, “This is my life and I can make my own decisions,”, and the ever popular “You’re just jealous that I’m prettier than you,” (though this should probably not be said out loud). But, I catch myself replying to her “Oh, yeah. I guess,”, “Well, I can’t return my dress,”, or just a “Yeah,” when I really just want to tell her flat out “No, I don’t care what you say.”

• Sometimes I think that the life I have now is unfulfilling and ‘not good enough’ because I compare it with my imaginary life. I should be content with how my life is.

• It’s hard to talk openly about some of the things in my life with people I know because of the way I perceive them in my ‘inner life’. I’m always afraid they’ll act the wrong way and ruin my ‘inner storylines’.

I do not want to totally get rid of this safe haven I have, I do want it to stop affecting my life in such a way that I believe I have a problem. Well , at least I know that I’m not the only one dreaming up and alternate life.