Krystiana

I want to not feel anymore.

At least temporarily.

But I can’t.

If I can’t be happy, I shouldn’t feel anything else, either.

I’m not allowed to be happy.

My whole fricking life, and it’s always the same.

Should I seriously be crying over something that hasn’t even happened yet? Or am I just preparing myself for it to happen?

And I’m not even talking about a loved one sick and dying – I could excuse that.

No, I’m talking about waiting to be broken up with. And I’m waiting because I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I skipped out before I found out what his answer was.

I had a dream. I had just bought a van, and I picked him up in it, and we decided to go for a spin. We got lost and I had to turn around. I pulled into this driveway and discovered that the driveway was all gravel – really, really deep gravel. The van started sliding around, completely out of my control (despite not even pushing on the gas). He reaches over and grabs the wheel, and he steers us back onto the road. As soon as we reach the road, I notice that there’s no floor in the van. I look at him to comment on it, and he says, ‘there’s nothing you can do.’

And there isn’t. I can’t make him love me, I can’t make him feel better.

There’s nothing I can do except cry.