Lady Goodman

to a lot of my friends, a few co-workers, and my loving supportive boyfriend. hooray!!

one of my co-workers told me this evening that her counter manager (i work in dept store cosmetics) doesn’t like me. that she cannot under any circumstances put Chanel make up on me, which is their counter. that she cannot talk to me, but any one else’s company is welcome. she’s a sort of elitest rich girl, and in some ways quite dishonest. i don’t know why but people who worhip fashion and trends tend to hate me and i never know why.

that’s not all.

the one person that has hurt me most in my life happened to pass through my store tonight too. she was my maid of honor, and in the end, stabbed me in the back very terribly and balmes me for it. i don’t know why, but as soon as my ex-husband and i started to have problems, she decided she hated me and no matter how nicely i would approach her, she never would say. she would only get angry and say something mean and decisive and walk away. she always told me to stop being immature when she was hurting me. i never understood this.

i have recently either identified myself sexually or only begun to question it. again. long story; here’s the gist:

i came out to someone i trusted at 15. she told a lot of people. i went to a small christian highschool. nuff said there.

i sort of had a causal thing with this woman. it was new. i enjoyed. sometimes, thinking back, much more than i enjoy men.

now, here we are. i have a crush on a woman i know. i will never pursue it, rather i try to avoid it. not think about it, not think of her, not fantasize, even casually of kisses, with her. i love my boyfriend. this, however, has been a problem for me for years in relationships with men. i presume it to be similar in any possible relationship with a woman. i am struggling and incredibly sexually frustrated, to be frankly honest.

he knows, or at least, entertains the idea that i am attracted to woman, that i will probably always. the two largest problems with this are:

1) i wonder if i will always have this frustration to deal with? part of me feels that my boyfriend and i need to take a break so that i can better understand my own sexual identity. even that i should have try at a legitamite relationship with a woman to explore it. but that seems awfully unfair too.

and 2) he gets more jealous of my friends who are women and lesbian or bisexual than he does about men. this means that my co-workers, old friend and new ones are all suspect. it drives me insane. and it maeks him insecure, worse than he already is.

what would you do, whoever reads this, whoever has filled these shoes, or understands my head today…..