Leigh91

throughout growing up, people have talked to me. most of them people I don’t or barely knew.
They say I have a sense of calm and am very easy to talk with.
I’ve lost a friend of mine. someone I couldn’t help and I regret everyday when I think about it…
What could I have said to make him feel better or change his thinking on life. hes the one I didn’t know what to say to.
I really want to help people, and I love helping people.

I just hate the times I can’t….
I want to right my wrong and help as many more as I can.
and being from abuse… I can relate to many people.
I just hope in the future I will know what to say and when so I do not lose another.

It makes my heart hurt knowing I could have done more if only I had… known what to say.
If hes out there I wish him the best, but I know hes dead.
either from suicide or a gun fight.
I just didn’t know how to help him…
I keep in touch with a lot of people I’ve talked with. they have helped me and in some ways I know I’ve helped them.
people of a lot of different age groups too have talked to me… I am only 17, and when a 32 year old speaks to me, it makes me feel like I am an adult and my opinion matters, He said he feels like he could just hug me like I knew everything he was going through and would understand.

but I failed. I tried and prayed but I just didn’t know enough…

I need to make things right and reach out, be a better person and move on from my own nightmarish past.
Someday, I’ll find someone like that again. and I wont fail to help them.

I would like to learn how to forgive my “father”.
All my life… wasted.
I have done nothing for nearly 18 years but grow, do school, draw, and most of all take care of my mother. shes so sick, and all I’ve ever known was taking care of her.

Because of my “fathers” abuse, and not taking the lead like he was supposed to – my mother did all the work. when I was 8 or so, which is as far back as I can recall, I’ve been helping her.
and now shes so sick… once shes gone, there wont be anyone who needs me anymore.

Sure, I have brothers and a sister, but gl getting close to one of my brothers, but sister is moving far away and my other brother is…
I don’t know.
I need someone or something to need me.
it’s all I’ve ever known… and thanks to that thing in my house, I’ve been forced to live a blank life.

I love helping people, but it makes me feel so empty sometimes…
why?
I don’t know how to live without her… it’s all I know.
How can I forgive my “father” for something like this?

It’s just tearing me apart inside…
and it’s sickening.

Hello, again…
for nearly 9 years now I have been the target of gossip.
I can’t go to town or the small stores without getting stared at, or stared down.
people say I’m a slut, and a whore but I can really say I’m none of these things.
I am however a cutter. which in my mind is to no fault of my own.
I’ve been helping take care of my mother and I am in the home study.
as of this moment my chest hurts so bad I think my heart just may break in me and I might not be anymore.
I’m so depressed… my pain doesn’t go away and these people never leave me alone.
It seems like people are always trying to prove me wrong, make me a liar, or anything else to that nature. I am 17, almost 18. my father is abusive and plays a big role in why there’s so much talk about me in this town. he tried not too long ago to beat on me ….and for what? I didn’t make coffee that morning.
my heart hurts so much that if I die tonight, due to my OD or my wound infection…. they can just say I died with a broken heart.
I feel so alone.
I don’t know what to do half the time…
when I was 13 or so someone told me – “That is a lovely dress, no one would ever know what you do under it. you hide it well!”

who…. the hell would tell that to a child? I wonder… well
I tried tonight.
ya know,
to take away my own pain.
but,
it didn’t work.
think I’ll be okay?
anyone have any advice?
I think I’ll go take some more medicine.
maybe that will make my pain go away.