LetMeStand

I’ve tried this so many times. And it’s really really difficult for me. The brain cells smoking occupies, the activity, the habitation of idle time, the hand to mouth motion… those are all really big draws for me. The most irritating thing of all is that when I know I have things I need/want to be doing… but want to put them off… having a cigarette is a way for me to feel like I’m successfully completing an action at least. It’s total bullshit and I’m sick of it… but I have a neighbor who is my smoking pal and I work at a bar and there are just so many opportunities to fail at quitting that I’ve not pulled it off for more than a week or so! ANY support, advice, words of encouragement or warning would be GREATLY appreciated!! I really want smoking to stop eating up at my health, my mood, my guilt and my wallet!

I was so close last night. My day had far too much drama in it for my comfort level and I was out for drinks with friends and wanted a cigarette SO BAD. But was with friends who don’t smoke… so I thought and thought about sneaking out and bumming one from the back patio… but they’d smell it on me instantly when I came back so instead I told my pal next to me that I really wanted on and she distracted me from the idea. New necessity. I need a safety plan. hah. I was told this by a couple people and just kind of laughed at it.. but seriously.. the couple times I’ve REALLY WANTED TO SMOKE have been when i was upset over something and wanted a few of my brain cells occupied by the hand to mouth, inhale exhale motion. And I want not to have to rely on my friends to keep me in check.

I had approximately four cigarettes last night :-O

Which in itself doesn’t bother me… because that’s quite a difference from the half pack to full pack a day I’ve been doing before this previous week… but still. I really need a huge break in order to full get it out of my system and my lifestyle. SO. Little set back… but it’s ok. Back on the wagon