Lissa1613

I’ve said for years that I was going 2 do this and this year I am actually getting started on my goal! I am so happy and excited! I’ve put some stuff on layaway and have a few bought and stored away. I have 6 kids 2 buy for in my own family and a little something for all my nieces and nephews but getting a little at a time is really so much easier and makes it more manageable for a girl who HATES the whole week before Christmas shopping routine.

I guess it’s not so difficult to tell my sons that I love them. I do it all the time. I tell them why, or little things about them that make me love them for being so different from each other. Having this on here tho reminds me that it is something I need to be mindful of doing, so that I don’t say it out of habit, without the meaning it should have. The harder part is saying it to David. I do love him so much & there are tons of reasons why but it seems that lately we are fighting so much or feeling hurt about things and saying the words can be hard for me. I kind of feel like if I say I love him while we are angry with each other, it makes it seem like things are alright when they aren’t at all. I know that isn’t what it is, tho. I think this all ties in to another of my goals, the not arguing thing. I have been managing to say “I love you” to him lately, even when I am so mad I don’t even want to look at him. At least once a day. I try to remind myself that it’s one of my goals and that helps motivate me to do it. Plus, it seems to be helping with things.

I really love David and I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else, don’t want to. It’s just so hard to accept that he would actually want to marry me, since I’ve been through this so many times with other people and never even got a ring. I am scared and don’t want to commit to something and work toward it when I don’t think it will happen. I want to marry him, I’d even do it in a courthouse, but I am too afraid and I really think I don’t make him happy, so I don’t know why he’d want me to be his wife. I need to find a way to acceptthat he loves me enough to actually want this, not just saying it to keep me with him for now.