I'm doing 24 things
It hurts too much to continue on this path of unhappiness. This path of predictability of my relationships that are doomed to fail. Will my fairy tale ever come true? Possibly, yes. It will be better than a fairy tale, but it’s up to me to make it happen. I have to stop doing the things that are harming me. These guys all have the same traits in common. Starting with my father. I am not enough for them, but at the same time, I am too much. I am too much, yet not enough to be deserving of their love. Not funny enough, not sexually enough, not spontaneous enough. Not caring enough, not nice enough, not strong enough. Too verbal, too emotional, too opinionated, too independent, too anxious, too clingy, too dependent. Too smart, too pretty, too good, too crazy, too strong, too bitchy, too annoying. I have been told all of these things, not always with words, but sometimes with them, yes. Contradicting, yes! Who am I? What they say I am or who I know I am? I lose myself in them. They tease me. With their words, I am their everything. But their actions cannot follow through. It hurts my heart deeply. I give my life for them. I give my love, my life, my body, my time, my energy, my soul, my everything, my all, if only they will see and give me a piece of their heart. It never happens. I am angry. I am mad and hurt and bitter inside. I give my everything. I gave my everything. My soul has been torn apart for love. For a taste. For counterfeit moments. Moments of deceit that seem like peace, but cause a hurricane inside of my heart and soul and mind because I know the truth. I sense the truth. It’s all pretend. If only I could grasp something real. If I could grasp that there is someone that loves me, just because. And to hold on to that truth because I know how weak I am without true love. I am capable of destroying myself in search of it. I have no strength or courage to be alone without a sense of love. A hope of love. Lord, is this a re-run? Or is this my moment of freedom? Is this another fake breakthrough? Or is this going to be peace and clarity of myself for once in my life? Am I going to learn to love myself enough to stop giving myself to bad people? Am I going to sense your love so deeply that I can move on from my destructive behaviors of myself?
LiveLife7's Life List
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1. grow closer to God
1 entry . 4 cheers116 people -
2. do missions work
19 people -
3. travel the world
1 entry . 1 cheer17,824 people -
4. learn to dance
1 entry6,250 people -
5. stop thinking so much
1 entry221 people -
6. be smashingly interesting
4 cheers105 people -
7. Stop being a spaz
2 entries4 people -
8. have no fear
1 entry . 3 cheers85 people -
9. leave my city once a month, leave my country once a year
2 cheers504 people -
10. Live in the present
1 entry . 1 cheer304 people -
11. make a difference in the world
2 cheers881 people -
12. Learn another language
3,582 people -
13. Be honest with myself
219 people -
14. learn to cook
7,836 people -
15. be fearless
517 people -
16. work out
457 people -
17. pay off my car
528 people -
18. never settle for anything less than I deserve
426 people -
19. just do it
1 cheer116 people -
20. learn to scuba dive
2,507 people -
21. start my own business
8,290 people -
22. depend on myself
20 people -
23. stop being self absorbed
2 people -
24. stop
1 entry85 people
How I did it: Although we broke up in March after 6 months, we were still "together" until June. From June to November, we were apart for six months living in different states but he still had my heart. I didn't get over him, even though I thought I had a few times. We still talked everyday or every few days. We met up in the beginning of November to hang out and say goodbye because he was going back home to his country. I guess there was always a smal… Read how I did it…
LOL I look down at my “things i’ve done” list and it says “be nicer” which i guess i accomplished earlier…funny stuff
I am sick of being afraid of this life. What is so scary? What is holding me back? Where are these irrational fears coming from? After realizing that 95% of my life is ALWAYS great, why am I so afraid that everything is going to end up so awful? I am SICK of fear, maybe it’ll leave me alone now that I’m willing to stand up to it and tell it to LEAVE ME ALONE! Most of not living I blame on anxiety or hypoglecemia, which is true, I guess, but I’m sick of that, too! I am so over it!! I want to live and have fun and enjoy life!
