Mr.T

I am not sure i even have friends ( i know some people but i am not really thinking they are acually my friends). I know it’s sad to say, but maybe i am one of those people who do not have any friends.

I remember I had friends before, when I was at school but we all lost contact because of different reasons(many years ago), to tell the truth, in the last 2-3 years i didn’t let anyone in my life. I pushed everyone away who might could become my friend. I want to be miserable. I’m doing everything to make myselfe miserable. It’s like a small voice in my head who wants me destroy every happy feeling. Than after i destroyed the whole day and i’m alone with my thoughts i feel the pain and loneliness.
Why am i doing this?

There must be a way out of this circle of social isolation.

Time to make some friends!

Some of my other goals are also connected to this goal. i’m not a good person. Always think to negative. I see it every day. It has to change and i hope it will change. I should do something meaningful but also should stop doing things which are bad habbits or mean, stop beeing lazy and find ways to be a better person. I don’t care how others look at me but i wish, i could look at myselfe one day and say: “Yes i made it, i am a better person than before!”.

I will give my best and since i ask myslefe: “What have you done in your life?”. I realized i haven’t done anything meaningful. If i can change my lifestyle and the way i socialize with people, it could make me become a better person. I am mean to eveyone, seldom happy and easy to get angry or sad. My life in China is not easy but until today i refused to change myselfe and let me fit in this society, i always think about somethink i dont like, places where i dont want to be, something i dont want to do and things i dont have. It’s always me, me, me everything about myselfe. I am a selfish person.

I will make everything better and also think about others, i know it’s time to stop beeing selfish and try to change.

This goal with take a long time to achieve. But it’s never to late.

I’m not a happy person yet. I let many things drag me down. I’m not happy with myslefe, with my life and with others arround me. I am maybe a little happy for a moment (not very often), but it’s just a temporary situation, it never feels that i’m really happy with anything. I think to make myslefe more happy should start with make others happy first, be more active and think less about myselfe. In many ways i am selfish and a negative person, i piss many people off just because i am not happy, so i don’t need to make them happy. i even think : if i am not happy why should i make others happy or why should others arround me be happy! (i am ashamed to feel that way). I don’t want to do that to people i love and care about.

It has to change somehow and i set already several goals to change it. It wont be easy. Hope i can have enough strength to change.