LuCyBrInZe

I am three weeks SOBER!

Went out with my chain smoking best friend and I was good. My brother came back from college and he’s been here for about four days, and I’m gonna be able to handle it. I’m so happy.

HOWEVER, I still have an urge here and there… but, it should go away. I actually quit the 19th of nov. i had 5 cigarettes when my brother was home for Thanksgiving, so my new date became 11/26… I’m only making this point because since the 19th I have saved myself over $100!! It is a GOOD motivation piece, but it’s not better than getting rid all the health risks and stinky breath/hair/car/room/clothes….

I think I’ll say i’ve done this after the 3 month marker. I take things in threes…

so i told my self on nov.19th i’d quit. And I went a week. My younger bro came home from school and he kept coming in my room, Wanna have a smoke? Because this is practically a ritual when we’re together. So finally at say, 2am I was like FINE. And that was actually on the 24th. And so on the 25th and the 26th I had an additional 4 cigarettes. I was so happy when he left! And since then. No cigarette at all. 2moro will be my 2-week marker.And he’ll be coming home again for Christmas. FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS. But, I think I’ll be okay. I’ve been hanging out with my chain-smokin best friend who I’ve been able to handle…

I don’t really hate smoking AT ALL. I just feel so much better.And I think I can concentrate more and sleep better… at the same time, I’m trying to replace coffee with tea to eventually replace tea with decaff tea, and just go decaff altogether…

We were living together since day one. I left him two days before our three year anniversary. Because I had been a lost girl for a long time, I questioned my love for him. I cheated on him a couple times, kisses only. Everytime I was WASTED. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. There are so many things about him, that I admire, love and miss. I told him I needed to get my life together, and after I left, I went crazy. It was the first time I had been away from him. I stalked him, said some terrible things, and he said I pushed him away. I did. A month after I left, he started seeing this girl. Seven months later (now) he’s still with this girl. He’s told me that he talks to me more than her, that he’s with her because it makes him feel good, that he still cares about me a lot. But, I’ve done too many hurtful things, and I have. That even if he wasn’t with her, he couldn’t be with me. It sucks. I realized I love him deeply, and that I want to make it work, I stopped drinking, smoking both weed and cigarettes. I’ve stopped partying, and it is HARD, but I want my degree I ALWAYS complained about. I want a life of independence and no worries. I want to be proud of my self and have job security, financial security. I Hurt him so much and it kills me. The thing is, I know this has been my struggle for a long time, and I lost a lot of self respect and confidence I want more than ever to gain back. We just started talking nicely to each other. We are calming down. And it’s so freaking hard for me. My birthday is coming up soon, christmas, a wedding and even Valentine’s is close. We talk about getting back together and it’s the only reason why I even think about wanting him. Because otherwise, I respect his happiness and understand I was in the wrong. But, I also know that I needed to do this, that even if he wasn’t with her, I still couldn’t be living with him without having a clear direction and a solid path in life. At least, for the time being. He says, it’s going to take a long time before he can consider it, and this BREAKS MY HEART. Two days ago was the last time I called him, and this is one of the longest periods of time that we haven’t talked. Two freaking days. I called him, so many times since I left, and I hear about people backing away and giving them space, and I think if I had done this, we would of been okay. I mean, he’s still with this same girl because he’s such a goddam good boyfriend and so attractive and I’m sure he likes her too, right? He tells me, that it hurts him that I cry and I need to think about myself and not him because he’s not going to put himself back with me right now. Should I just get over him. Or should I always keep that spot open for him if he ever comes back. What if I continue to back off from him, is it too late? I want to call him so bad! I have been so weak. I left to do this, and it’s really just blown up in my face. And all my fault too =(