Luxurious

Omg I can’t believe it! I went from 278 to 257! So I actually lost 21 lol! I’m on my way! I am gonna try to lose 20 more before July 30th. That is another goal that I have. But I am SO proud of myself for doing this and if I can do this, then I can do anything. =)

Ok so I finally got my ass in the gym! I am SO proud of myself. It was not as scary as I thought it was going to be. There were PLENTY of people there alone lol, and it was very calming in there. I caught on to the machines that I liked quickly! I just need to learn how to work a few more buttons and i’ll be set! I go every morning at 6am. That is the best time because you’re fresh and there are less people in there so it’s nice and quiet. YES! I am on my way! I slipped and gained like 5 or 6 pounds so I have to lose those again to reach my 20 pounds goal lol, but I know I can do it! =)

Ok like this is really sad…I was 3 pounds away from losing 20 and now im probably back up 5 or 6 pounds. My over all goal is 100 but this is just to start me off and I feel like sometimes I can’t even do this! What is that? Sometimes I sleep late and when I get up I don’t feel like exercising. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable because my roommate is in there with some friends or something and I don’t wanna look stupid lol. I should have gotten a single room but i’m trying to be more social but it’s not working lol…

I could go to the gym…but i’m still scared for some reason. I mean I REALLY wanna lose this weight..but at the same time..am I
scared or something? Sometimes I wonder if I am scared of actually losing this weight and looking different. Maybe because I am so used to looking a certain way? Maybe because I am so used to doing certain things the same way and I am scared to change my life?

Even though it could truly benefit me and be the best thing I have ever done for myself? Why is that? Why am I scared to become a better person, to live a better life? Does anyone else experience this crap? Sometimes I just cop out because I think that I won’t be able to do it anyways. I don’t know. A lot of fear just controls my life. But at the same timeeee, I am SOO tired of looking in the mirror and seeing this discusting thing! I just want to wear a normal size and be a normal person. This is a real strugle for me. It is painfully frustrating…It really is.

I want a workout buddy to go to the gym with but I am too afraid to ask anyone. What is that lol? I wish I just wasn’t so afraid and I wish that stuff didn’t happen to me in the past so I wouldn’t have to deal with this now. If that didn’t happen, then I wouldn’t be going through all of this crap.

I know I can overcome but it is SOOO hard…I just wanna be a normal 18 year old and just have fun and live my life.