Мила

1. Spent some time reading a good book today

2. My room is squeaky clean

3. I wore eyeliner for the first time in probably a month, I love it!

4. Today was a good emotional health day. I looked over my summer goals and said, out loud, you’re going to do all of these things.

5. I read a few parts of this Russian book I have. I didn’t really get it. But I recognized that I was reading Russian at least, so the past two years haven’t been a waste.

I’m tired of thinking about this buuuut yesterday I came home feeling upset about a whole bunch of things and The Guy was one of them. I realized this was really, really stupid for a few reasons:

1. In mid-April I clearly remember lying in bed one night thinking, uhhhhhh do I actually want this? Not really!

2. There are guys I like. There are guys that like me. I really like guys that like me. (But not in real way, you know?) Maybe I could say that I didn’t like him as much as I felt (and how reliable are feelings, and how accurate is me saying that now?)

3. I am NOT going to give the time of day to someone with a mental disorder they don’t have under control, nor someone who acts like a beaten puppy. These are HUGE reasons to totally forget about him!

4. Things felt off, or at least when I think back there is a small nagging feeling. (Is there a part of me that’s TOTALLY okay and maybe a little relieved that this is over?)

I had to decided to be over it. Because I can feel sad and mourn my losses for months and months, I really could. But I found out enough of what’s going on to have the closure I need, that was five days ago. I had my time of intense “what the hell is going on” (last part of April). I had my time of readjustment (the past three weeks). And really, it was 2 1/2 months, I decided to get over it almost 3 weeks ago. It shouldn’t take me longer than that.

So today. I have my way of getting over things. It includes: emotional eating (bad yet effective), Kelly Clarkson and Pink other good songs from whoever, eyeliner (and lots of it), cleaning my room, and deep conditioning my hair. And time does fix things. He hasn’t been around long enough for him to be more memory than real person.

I’m still a little sad and whatever, but this is not the worst outcome by far. I’m fine with never ever talking to him again.

1. I went to school to see a friend who’s leaving for Russia soon and saw a few other friends. So it was a great day (until I came home and was reminded of how much I’d prefer not to be here.) Bright side of #1, when school starts I’ll be around basically all the time and I’ll see my friends more. At least I won’t miss my family? In the long run, I think this is the better choice.

2. We were talking about how important education is and how it’s terrible people don’t value it more. It’s a nice to hear that for a change.

3. I wore my red dress

4. I am REALLY super-duper upset about a lot of things right now so I made a list of things I’m super-duper upset about and another list of things I’m going to do tomorrow (like put on eyeliner, a skirt, clean my room, eat food that makes me feel good, and sleep in). I also spent a good half hour looking at pictures of animals, which actually did make me feel better.

5. Okay, this has to do with The Guy. First, I resisted the urge to be a crazy girl, I’m grateful that I told myself that I’m strong on my own, don’t need to hang onto people, and I’m grateful for the people in my life and my situation.
Second, when I was talking to L about it, I teared up a little bit and said I’m so upset that I thought he was normal and things were great and then this. I’m grateful that my thought came out like that: I’m upset because I was blindsided by his actions when I had other expectations.

6. I was bummed to leave my church, but the one I just visited this past Sunday has small groups, so I might really like it.

7. While eating my feelings in bed with a bowl of noodles, I COMPLETELY forgot that a lady I met today told me about this denomination of churches in the area that connect with Russian churches. She gave me their information. Um, MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD, JESUS AND RUSSIAN, CAME TOGETHER FOR LIKE THREE HOURS TODAY. What could this lead tooooooo?