RUNRGRL is trying to fix what has become broken

Somewhere along the way we’ve lost a lot of things, they’ve become buried but not so deep they can’t be found again. I know what I need to do differently and the only place I can really start is with myself. We “talked” tonight and that is something, I don’t think the conversation could have been more honest or more overdue. I’m tired.

There are days when the demands of Motherhood seem like they leave little room for “much” else. Truthfully I’m lucky that I have as much balance as I do, but still I sometimes feel I don’t have much left over. But in recent months I have been reflecting on how fortunate I am to be a Mommy. The worse thing I could ever imagine would be to lose one of children, second to that would be to lose my partner or to lose my own life and the opportunity to watch my children grow up.

I bought a People Magazine a little while back that featured Patrick Swayze on the front cover. I wanted to read about how he has been doing in his fight against pancreatic cancer, but instead I ended up reading the story about Matt Logelin. It was a heartbreaking story about life and death in the span of 27 hours. It started with the birth of his daughter and “ended” with the death of his wife. He had been blogging during his wife’s pregnancy to keep their families involved in what was happening and he continued to blog after his wife’s death, sharing his experiences bringing up his precious daughter Madeline and coping with loss of the love of his life and mother of his child. I thought about how Liz (his wife) never even got a chance to hold her daughter and I realize how incredibly lucky I am. My daughter loves her bedtime ritual and I have sometimes felt slightly impatient to move on with things and start enjoying my alone time, but now I soak it all up, knowing these days will be gone before I know it and I will be lucky to get a kiss goodnight. My son is a Momma’s boy through and through, it has been trying at times and I have dreaded the day when I try and drop him off at Playschool and he clings to me, screaming and bawling for me not to leave. But now I am trying to stop and live in the moment. He is all about his Mommy, I can’t leave without hugs and kisses, and everytime it’s 2 of each and they are always so heartfelt. He loves to come up to me and just drape his arm across my neck for little cuddles, he doesn’t want me to leave after reading him stories and tucking in and prefers I stay until he’s fallen asleep. One day he will not want me to hold his hand or kiss him in public or in front of his friends.

Words just fail me.