MzMasquerade

i dont know if i can do this.
i dont know how it starts to get better.
i dont know how to make me do the haaaaaaaaaard work.

i really just don’t know. maybe in a few months I’ll find myself having kicked into gear in healthy habits and working hard. Or maybe I’ll still be here and struggling just the same- wanting and aiming to get better with every new day but realistically only staying stuck. How do you start?? I think I know what to do, I’m just not doing it..

YUCK YUCK YUCK i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate this.

it’s been, 2 hrs since i woke up. maybe another hour or so til family comes home again for the day. i’m so restless. part of me just wants to eat something nice, part of me needs to be thiiiiiin and the rest of me wants to just forget it all and escape. I want a cigarette, i want to taste nice foods, i want to be drunk off my tits, I want to be spaced out of my brain on i don’t care what.

I know i already said but I’m SO restless. I should go and do something, anything, a change. I’m going to go be with my dog for a bit :) That’ll be enough. just small things is all you need to do. I’ve only gotta hold off til my parents come home, but then it just gets harder really because its not a matter of waiting out a few hours, it’s a matter of making lasting, effective changes and actually making things happen. EUGH. did i say eugh? EUGH!!!

nighttime, it’s always nighttime that gets me.. eugh.

not so bad, but less than perfect, and perfect’s what i need. I’ve done it before, why is it so hard to do again?

i’ll try to do better tomorrow. Feel like I need help though, i’ll be alone for the day with not much to occupy me. hmm sounds like an inevitable outcome to me. well at least i already know it’s gonna be tough.. not that that’ll help when i’ve stuffed my face and am feeling like shit. I really have to make it through tomorrow, i have to START this thing for real. I’m not here to indulge this, i’m not here to keep on wallowing.

i’m here to make me ok again. i’m here to get thin. that’s really terrible.

bah look at that black and white thinking – all or nothing. and the constant switch from wanting to overcome to consciously driving it further and harder. you must see it in my posts.

oh well. bottom line – do better tomorrow. scared that its gonna be a real disaster. trying not to talk myself into it. believe woman! believe!

erk. let you know.