NIOMATRIX06

I have 94 days clean and boy is God doing a job on me. I’m so happy. Even though really surrendering, pretty much everything, hurts, I know that what God has in store for my life is beyond anything I could ever want for myself.

I can’t get the thoughts out of my head but i’m still going at it every morning. I try to do at least 3 minutes, they say start slow, but I think that maybe I need to do it longer so that I can get a clear head. I’ll just keep on trying

Since the last time i wrote about this goal, I’ve recorded 2 HOT songs and performed once. I’m meeting some really talented people in the business and focusing on getting some live performance gigs. I’m soon to be working with my friends producer who is the Shit. Check out my music at www.myspace.com/niotheone

They say just trust in God and he will do take care of you. I was not sure about going to this meeting tonight. But I know I made a commitment to go to a recovery meeting, everyday for the next 90 days, and the only one I could make it to was late and not in the best neighborhood. However, I went, and it was a good meeting. During the meeting I couldn’t help but think about the fact that it was midnight, I was in the hood and it was raining, but another addict offered to take me home, so everything worked out. I hope and pray that God gives me the strength to keep putting my recovery first, big things lie ahead for me.

I opened a savings account today for my move to NY. I plan on moving there this time next year. I’m serious. When I get a year clean and my foundation is strong enough. I’m gone. It’s time, I was there last week and i fell in love all over again.

I was reading something that said that God is not hard to find he’s impossible to avoid. That right there is the truth. I recently fell off the road again, but i’m back. You’re not a failure until you quit. The thing is that I just can’t be the person I used to be. The life I intended is not what God wants for me. This has nothing to do with Christianity or any religion or anything. In fact, I have my reasons for wanting to explore different ways of having a relationship with God. Meditation being one of them. I believe that I have God inside of me, we all do, and I can’t use the blessings that he gave me to do my will. But it’s so hard because the familiar, though painful, can be more comfortable. I’m in a process that is all about changing and being of service to others. And it’s like I didn’t choose this, but God chose me. I don’t really have a choice. It’s like surrender or die. My way just doesn’t work. Whenever I decide I want to take my will back I crash into a brick wall, and insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. But the thing I love about God is that for me he always shows me that he loves me and that it’s okay and that as long as I’m alive I can pick myself up, get back on the road and try again.
It’s scary though because I have been recently hearing about people dying because from taking their will back and I don’t want ot die. So for anybody reading this, please pray for me, pray that I stay surrendered and that I can learn to enjoy living God’s will even more than I do already. Because trust me I love my life now and the direction it’s going in, but sometimes honestly I do miss the chaos, anyway if nobody told you they love you today, I do.

Wow I haven’t been on this site in soooo long and it just brought back so many memories. I’ve been in my recovery process for 9 months and it feels like i’m light years away from all that confusion. That’s not to say that there’s no confusion, because that would be lying. However, I have new confusion for the most part. All the old confusion has to go, no, HAS TO GO! I say that because I had almost 8 months clean and relapsed, because I returned to people, places, and things. Had some money in my pocket, looking good, feeling good and I had an emotional lapse. I was angry because I felt it was unfair that I was an addict and couldn’t just have a wild night on the town like “normal,” people and an old friend, the same one i was just reading about in past entries, cheered me on and I used.
Almost had 60 days a week ago. One of my dreams came true a week ago, I performed my very own music at a festival, to a great response and to make a long story short i relapsed, with that same friend. See what i’ve come to internalize at this point is, insanity, is repeating the same mistakes expecting different results.I thought it would be okay after the last time because now he understands the seriousness of my disease. That shit is called rationalizing.
It’s funny because I happened to stumble across this Christian cd entitled The Frustration of Liberation, by Bishop T.D. Jakes. He talked about how you can take the devil away from some people, but sometimes you can’t take the people away from the devil. He also talked about how some people, like myself are so used to pain that, altough pain is painful at least it’s familiar. At least when I have chaos in my life I feel normal. However, I have come enitrely TOO FAR, and I refuse to go backwards. The difference today is I don’t beat up on myself anymore, this was a minor setback. I failed but I am not a failure. I learn from my mistakes now. I swear things beyond my wildest dreams have happened to me and I haven’t even been in my process for a year, that’s how awesome God is. I realize that when you look backwards instead of where you are going you, are extremely likely to crash into a wall. But today, for me if I crash and my car is not totaled, I take it to that mechanic called God, get repaired and continue to travel from there. Not to say I won’t make anymore mistakes because THAT would also be lying but these days, with 7 days clean, and a new perspective, i intend to make new ones.

I will be clean and sober for 5 months Feb. 5th if it’s GOd’s will that i live to see that day, it’s unbelievable, life is good

That’s all I can say. Every since i’ve put God first things have really been on the up and up. I don’t get high or drink any more, if that’s not proof of a Gos existing then i don’t know what is. I go to church every Sunday whether I want to or not, i pay my tithes and give and though i may not agree with a lot of the things that are preached ther i agree with most of them, espescially with the fact thatGod gives unfailing love and that he is forigving and he provides. And he disciplines those he loves….Amen to that. Oh yeah and i’m not perfect nor do i think i am..

I’VE BEEN CLEAN FOR 6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!! Rehab and Church really work. I reccomend profeesional help to anybody. Recovery meetings are everywhere and i’m going to a outpatient rehab facility for free. God is good all the time.

God I haven’t been getting enough sleep like i was before but I plan on getting back on track. I just woke up from a nap. But I plan on going back to sleep. My ex has been here for a couple of weeks and they’ve been keeping me up. But tonight I ignored the phone and i feel bad but I gotta do what I gotta do. I have to get back to being focused like I was. Now I’m like addicted to coffee. I just love it. But I wanna stop having to rely on caffiene.

Thank You Jesus, I’ve been clean for three weeks. I’ve been going to my meetings and learning so much. My group is hilarious. We have a good time and i’m fed so much information and inspiration. My friends have a joke about how I can last for 3 weeks doing anything consistently but after that it’s a wrap. But the thing is I don’t have any desire to get high. I feel really good right now. That’s not to say that I can go out and be safe around drugs and alchohol, no not at all, in fact those environments are DANGEROUS, but I avoid that kind of stuff like the plague. Anyway I’m so thankful that God blessed with this program, I recommend treatment for anybody who wants to quit drugs and alchohol. Just do one thing GO TO MEETINGS, when you want to go and when you don’t want to go.In the near future, you’ll be glad you did.

I’ve beeen doing really well with going to church. I only missed church once in the past 2 months. I ‘ve gotten so much wisdom it’s crazy. The hard part is just trying to do the right thing at all times. It’s like because you’re trying to better yourself the devil trys even harder to tempe you and throw you back off track. But I’ve been doing well.
One thing I’ve been doing is tithing. Oh my God, I hate to sound like a infomercial for some “get rich quick with tithing,” thing but it really works. I went to the chiropractor and he gives me 4 free visits because of some miscommunication. My barber tells me my next cut is free because I sent someone to him. I mean, i’m saying to myself, wow that was fast. But it’s amazing. And i feel good about giving my money to something positive, versus paying to kill myself the way I was doing before.

I’m tired. I really have been working my ass off. I was doing good with going to sleep early but then I moved. Now I’m just trying to get adjusted to my new place. Tonight I’d like to get in the bed at 12 a.m.

Well it’s funny how God works after slipping like I did last time I decided that I should probably go back to rehab. However, right now I don’t have health insurance. But last week I just happened to bump into some people that work at the rehab and I inquired about coming back. Anyway, I’m in, only this time they have me on intensive outpatient treatment. At first I was like wow that says a lot, but if that’s what I need then so be it. I’m just so reay to understand this disease called addiction. I want to understand it so I can beat it. So far I’ve met some really inspiring, great people. It’s like I’m excited to go.
I just want to say to anybody who wants to overcome this disease it is so worth it to get professional help, not many people can beat it on their own. I thank God for this help and support.

Today was the first day I woke up and didn’t read my bible. See this is how it normally starts, things begin to go good for me and I forget about God. But I won’t let that happen this time. I’ve been good. I’ve been going to Bible Study for the past couple of weeks, and I’m off on Sunday so I will be at church getting the word. I’m telling you, I don’t know about anybody else but going with God works for me it’s the only thing that works for me. I fail sometimes but I will because I’m human however I know God is working with me and through me.
I want to be a messenger. I want to help people like people have helped me. I want to be an example of God’s glory. I want to do these things so I will.

God, I surrender. I had a little bit of a crises the other day and I did what I always do, I go to church. Church always has a way of getting me back on track. So why not just keep on going on a consistent basis? That’s the same thing I’m trying to figure out. But after the other day’s escapade I give in and I give up. I am so tired of getting ahead and then being brought back down because I don’t consistently stay focused on having a relationship with God. The funny thing is, I was feeling down because of my relapse the other day and I went to Bible Study. The topic was about affliction. and how God uses it to bring us closer to him.
There were 5 reasons God uses affliction:
1.To Direct Us. In order to be directed we must look at the root of what’s causing us to be afflicted and change our direction.
2.To Inspect Us. To see what’s really in our heart.
3.To Correct Us. We learn the most when we are scorned.
4.To Protect Us. God uses affliction to slow you down so you won’t really hurt yourself.
5. To Perfect Us. We must learn from our afflictions in order to become better people and help others.

After that class I was just amazed because at first i didn’t understand why god allowed that to happen to me when I was really trying so hard to be better. It’s just that I was doing so much to get my life together but I was forgetting him in the process. But now I feel like I am glad that happened because other wise I would have just kept running around with the same tired people wasting the potential that he has blessed me with. I can no longer continue to try to do it my way. I give in, whatever God wants I want. I surrender.

P.S. That’s not to say that I will be perfect, because that’s impossible, but I sure will try harder.

But we get up. Well as I’m sure you can probably tell by the title I’ve fell. But that’s okay. Damn day 6 I smoke and drunk, and day 7 I smoked. That’s okay because I’ll top that with being sober for a full week.

Day 5 and no drugs or alchohol. I can keepit up, I know I can. It was hard today. I just got back from the gym and happened to see the weed person. Thank God she didn’t stop me to have a conversation.

I wanna smoke so bad but I can’t. I haven’t smoked weed in 5 days but I know I can’t. I took a voice lesson yesterday and my voice is not where it needs to be. My boy is in The Lion King, which is here in Philly right now and he snuck me in. Although I saw it in Europe, it was still amazing to see. I was almost in tears because it was so beautiful and you could see the amazement in the audience’s faces. It’s like this is these people’s job. I want that for myself, I do. And I know i can have it.